I Want To Try My Hand In The Stock Market, But I Also Don’t Know What A Stock Is

If you’ve been paying attention to the stock market or social media over the past few days, chances are you’ve heard some rumblings about GameStop

My (very limited) understanding of this whole situation is that a bunch of people on Reddit found a way to manipulate the stock price of GameStop, and as a result, it skyrocketed and all Hell has broken loose

Seeing everybody on Twitter taking part in this hilarious and someday historical “get rich quick” scheme got me thinking, and I decided that it was about time that I started messing around with stocks myself. I already lose plenty of money gambling on sports, so why not do the same thing with stocks?

But right as I was preparing myself to dive head first into the stock market, I realized something that might be a little bit important: I don’t actually know what a stock is

This shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise, seeing as a few years ago I blogged about how I don’t even truly understand what money is, but enough about that

My only prior knowledge of stocks and whatnot comes from the fact that I’ve seen The Big Short a few times, and I figured that movie would have made me an expert on this sort of thing. Wishful thinking, but turns out that isn’t the case because I still have no idea what’s going on right now

But most of the time in life it isn’t really about what you know, but instead who you know. A few of my friends are finance guys, so I asked them to try to explain what is happening to me. I’m sure they all did a good job laying it out there, but they might as well have been speaking in tongues because I couldn’t follow a word of it. This is exactly what I looked like as they rambled on about hedge funds and shorting stocks

Based on my GIF usage so far, I’ve come to realize that I’m like the Chris Farley of the stock market, and that wasn’t meant to be a compliment to myself

In summation, I don’t know shit about the stock market and I need your help. Can somebody that isn’t as economically inept as me please explain stocks to me so I can get rich in the next 24 hours and quit my job? This 9-to-5 grind just isn’t gonna cut it anymore, so if you understand this sort of stuff please offer me some financial advice so I can transform myself into the next Jordan Belfort ASAP

PS: So apparently Robinhood has shut down trading on certain stocks because of this ordeal, which is very ironic. I mean for fucks sake, you guys are named after Robinhood but you’re now fucking over the little guy and helping out the rich. Makes me think they don’t even know the story of Robinhood lol

Double PS: This video is great. Exactly how I feel trying to explain what’s going on right now

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