There have been plenty of times in my life where I did something that made me feel like a degenerate. For example, one Thanksgiving Eve when I was 16, I came home blackout drunk, made a mess cooking food, stripped down to my underwear for some reason, and passed out on the kitchen floor. I woke up on Thanksgiving Morning to my mom slapping the shit out of me, which was completely justified given the circumstances. I was still way too hungover to eat anything at Thanksgiving Dinner, but while trying to force some food down, I ended up dry heaving and threw up into my own lap right there at the table. Happy Thanksgiving!

Now as bad as that story is, that’s only one day out of my entire life, and believe me when I say there are plenty more where that came from. As somebody who is an idiot, gambles frequently, and is no stranger to drugs and alcohol, degeneracy is just one of those things that I’ve come to accept as a personality trait of mine over the years. I no longer occasionally feel like a degenerate; I am a degenerate

Well something happened to me last weekend that definitely falls into the degeneracy category, and it was pretty funny so I thought I’d share it with all of you. Basically, my bank froze my account due to possible fraudulent activity, but turns out it was just me gambling on the 2020 Presidential Election like an asshole

As you may have noticed by now, I’ll bet on pretty much anything. If I was able to put some action on local Little League games, I’d be sitting in the stands at the park near my house every Saturday with a 12 pack of beer, screaming my lungs out at those 5th grade children any time they struck out or made an error that negatively affected my bet. Politics is no different, and even though I’ve discussed on here before that I hate politics, I am more than willing to bet on various aspects and outcomes of an election because I love gambling

So when the 2020 Presidential Election finally arrived last week, I just couldn’t help myself and felt that I had to bet on it in some capacity. My usual bookie wasn’t offering any election lines because he said it was too much of a hassle, so at that point, it seemed like I’d be sitting this election out

But as Election Day went on and I watched the live odds for who would win certain states, overall, etc. bounce up and down right in front of my face like a pair of Double D tits on a trampoline, I couldn’t control myself anymore. I called an audible, and I decided to deposit $750 into an account for an overseas book that I hadn’t used in a while but always trusted. The deposit went through fine (so I thought), and just like that, I started gambling on the election like any true American would

Fast forward a bit in the story to last Saturday. The election was now over (depending on who you ask), and I was done thinking about my Election Night bets and was instead focused on Week 9 of the NFL. Saturday afternoon is usually when I make my NFL picks, and then afterwards I make a shitload of Draft Kings lineups that never win me any money, but that’s beside the point. I went to deposit $100 into my DK account, but it failed. I tried again, same thing. I didn’t think much of it, assuming it was a problem on their end, and just went on with my day

Later on that night my card declined again at the liquor store, and boy was that embarrassing. Having your card decline on a small purchase with a bunch of people behind you in line always makes you feel pathetic, and I’m ashamed to admit that this used to happen to me a lot back in the day

But why was my card declining now? I’m an “adult” with a “real job”, and I knew I had enough in my account to afford the Twix and 18 of bud light that I was trying to buy, so what’s going on here? Did somebody hack my bank account? Am I a victim of identity theft or something? But most importantly, how was I supposed to get drunk now?

I started to get a little nervous, so I called my bank immediately to get this all straightened out. After getting transferred around the usual 25 times, I finally ended up talking to some dude in their fraud department who told me my account was frozen due to suspicious activity. Right when he said that, I thought back to Election Night and knew that had to have something to do with it. But I played dumb, and I nodded along and verified as he listed off all of my charges over the past few weeks

He finally got to my Election Night deposit, and he goes, “OK so I think I found the one that did it. On November 3rd there was an international charge for $750. Do you approve this?”. I said yeah, and as I hear him typing away he starts laughing a little bit and says, “What were you doing, betting on the election?”. I couldn’t believe it, but thankfully I had the foresight to say no. Snitching on myself over the phone while talking to my bank wouldn’t have been smart, and admitting to gambling internationally would have certainly ruined my Saturday, so I’m glad I wasn’t honest with this guy and at least dodged a potential legal bullet

Now here is what makes all of this so funny to me. The fact that he immediately laughed and asked if that charge from Election Night was gambling-related tells me that I’m not the only asshole that this happened to. This guy probably spent his entire week unlocking accounts and verifying international deposits to overseas books because of idiots like me that were gambling on the election, so it feels good to know I’m not alone in all of this

And there you have it. Just a quick story from last week that I thought was funny and wanted to share. I’d say I’m going to change my ways, but in reality I’m locking in a full slate of NFL picks as we speak. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if my bank locks my account again next week when they see my $1500 Venmo labeled “Week 10” to somebody named “Not my bookie”