So last night kicked off the beginning of the Democratic Primary Debates, and in an effort to become more “informed” or whatever, I tuned in. I lasted a valiant 45 minutes before I turned it off and moved onto something more enjoyable, which happened to be sticking my face into a pot of boiling water until my skin peeled off. I will never for the life of me understand people that are infatuated with politics. I don’t know if they’re just really bored or they somehow actually enjoy watching 10 elitist dipshits stand behind podiums on stage and have a pissing contest with eachother, but to each their own I guess. Politics is a world filled with nothing but frustrating arguments fueled by the narcissism of a “My ideas are right and yours are wrong” mentality, and it leads nowhere. That’s why I, for the most part, avoid it altogether on here and in my everyday life. My reasoning for why I live my life like that is mainly because of the question I poised in the title: Is there anything worse than being “The Political Guy”? The short answer is no.
When I say “The Political Guy”, I think we all know what I mean. I’m talking about the people who have this insatiable urge to ruin every conversation by injecting politics directly into it’s bloodstream. Everybody is enjoying their day, and then they step in to loudly announce some policy they support or their disdain for conservatives or whatever stupid thing it is. Remember the Debby Downer skits from SNL? That’s exactly what these people are. As far as annoying personality types go, I think The Political Hardo might be in my top 3 most hated list. We all know people that fit this description, and they all suck.
I should specify that there are 2 kinds of political hardos. The first is the kind that actually does this stuff in person. It’s all about them and they have all the right ideas and beliefs, and anybody that has a different belief is wrong. These are also the same people that have WAY too much time on their hands and do things like attend lame protests and, to put it simply, bitch about everything. This one is also especially tricky because every friend group has one, and if you don’t, then it’s probably you. For example, I have a buddy that has very different political views than me, and that’s fine. The problem is the second this guy starts drinking, he NEEDS to bring up some type of political discussion that immediately kills the vibe and pisses everybody off. I swear he knows he is pushing everybody’s buttons, but these people don’t care. I used to take the bait, but recently my other friends and I have just been ignoring him and letting him converse with himself like he’s schizophrenic and having a meltdown. This new strategy has been great to watch, and I highly recommend it if you know somebody like this. They crave the attention of having their ideas heard and hissing at other people’s ideas, so when you don’t give them the chance to do that, they freak the fuck out. It’s 10/10 comedy.
The second type of political hardo is the social media Political Hardo. These are usually people that you vaguely knew in highschool who get behind a keyboard and post about politics 24 hours a day on Facebook and Twitter. They are constantly sharing biased articles and writing incoherent rants that nobody asked for, and the worst part is they think they’re geniuses for doing so. An occasional tweet or whatever is okay, especially if it’s done in humorous fashion, but the people that sit around and live tweet things like the debate need to do so much less. The easy solution would be to just delete annoying people like this, but I keep these clowns around simply for entertainment purposes. Watching them post their idiotic views, or better yet, argue with other social media political hardos, is well worth it. If you’re ever craving some quick laughs, just go to any local news page on Facebook and scroll through the comments of any story that has even the slightest hint of politics attached to it. I do this anytime I’m feeling stupid or worthless, and I always come out feeling like a million bucks. Watching 50 year olds scream at eachother via keyboard saying things like “Thanks Obama” or “Orange man bad!” is my guilty pleasure.
I’ve never really had a knack for knitting, but whenever somebody starts shouting out their political thoughts and ideas, I get a really strong urge to grab a sewing kit and stitch their lips together. The next time you have a political thought and you think that people need to hear it, remember this helpful piece of advice: Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, and I promise you that you aren’t nearly as smart or special as you think you are. It might sound mean, but it’s realistic. Glad we had this talk.
There’s another debate on tonight with Bernie Sanders and company, and as I’m sure you can tell, I’ll be doing literally anything else. Stubbing my toe repeatedly against a crocodile until it bites my leg off? Sounds better than the debate. Sticking my dick inside of a hornets nest? Sounds better than the debate. I could continue listing off strange self torture methods I would rather be doing than watching politicians lie for 2 hours, but I’ll stop there. I’ve got MLB bets to place and some post work beers to drink.
Oh, and one more thing. This wasn’t me taking any political side either. Just because I used the democratic debate as my example doesn’t mean I don’t find both sides annoying. I think The Far Left and The Far Right should both swan dive into an active volcano, and then leave the world to the normal people that are centrist/apolitical. I guess in a sense, that is my political view.
PS: What the fuck was up with everybody speaking Spanish during the debate last night? Jesus fucking Christ I’ve never cringed so hard. It was the most obvious pandering I’ve ever seen. “Hey look at me, I answered a question in broken Spanish! Vote for me!”. It was so bad I had to tweet about it