So last night the Baltimore Orioles made history for the second time this season. Their first broken record was that they were they were the earliest team to ever be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, which happened back in June. With a current record of 43-108 that isn’t so surprising, but congrats to them on making the history books for sucking so badly. Then another first came last night in the form of jersey choice
“Wow, what a wonderful sight” I’m sure every blind person in the crowd said. I’ve already blogged about how much being blind would suck so I’m all about showing those who can’t see some love, but I don’t understand this promotion one bit. The whole point of doing stuff like this is so that the group being represented can see the jerseys and appreciate them. For example, for Memorial Day MLB teams wear camouflage uniforms to remind us of the troops serving our country. For cancer awareness, they wear yellow because for some reason we as a society decided yellow=cancer. That’s why I don’t know if the Orioles are aware of this, but one of the biggest complications of being blind is that you can’t see. So when they Orioles did this noble gesture last night, this is what all the blind people watching the game saw
The only way they could have made this a worse night for blind fans is if they didn’t have anybody announcing the game so they really had no idea what was happening besides the occasional crack of a bat. On that note, I’ve thought some other great ideas the MLB can use for marginal groups this season
Mass Murderer Night
For this idea, we’d invite a bunch of convicted serial murderers to a sold out stadium for a night of baseball. After giving them all loaded AR-15’s and improvised explosives once they reach their seats, we’d block off all of the exits so that nobody can leave the park. Besides maybe having too much of a good time, what could possibly go wrong?
Suicide Awareness Night
There is nothing funny about suicide. I was thinking we get in touch with some therapists or other mental health professionals and have them send over their suicidal patients so they can attend a free baseball game to get their minds off of their depression. We would sit them in the top row of the nosebleed section, which also happens to be quite the fall if somebody were to ever decided to jump. All fans would be given razorblades upon entering the stadium and in leiu of commentary, the stadium speakers would play nothing but sad music while the jumbotron shows nothing but sad movie scenes throughout the game. If that doesn’t turn your frown upside down, maybe you should just kill yourself.
This concept is so simple I’m surprised no teams aren’t doing it regularly. Not being able to walk would suck and these poor souls deserve to attend a baseball game every now and then. Thats why I think it would be a really touching gesture to get these folks out of their beds and hospital rooms by giving them standing room tickets to a ball game. The best part about this idea is that they won’t even get tired from standing for the whole game because they can’t feel their legs. Win win situation.
Eating Disorder Awareness Night
A silent killer, eating disorders have become increasingly more common these days. To lift their spirits, we should take them out the ballgame. For added fun, we’ll even give them a chance to go down on the field to compete in a hotdog eating contest during the 7th inning stretch. I mean, who doesn’t love eating a good hot dog? I love food, and I’m sure everybody with an eating disorder agrees with me on that.
Epilepsy is a horrible condition that causes people to have random seizures. Thankfully for them baseball is a calm sport that definitely will not trigger one of these episodes. However baseball can get boring sometimes, so why not host an EDM concert during the seventh inning stretch with lasers, strobe lights, loud noises, the whole nine yards. I can already see the epileptic fans enjoying themselves with their flailing breakdance moves right now.
My brain is chock full of more great ideas like the ones above but I’m gonna stop there. Like I said I understand the overall message was to bring awareness or raise money for blind people, but there’s no way any blind people enjoyed this. They could’ve atleast let them come down on the field and touch read the braille on the jerseys or something like that. Better yet the marketing department could have thought outside the box like I did and wrote a song or some shit about blind people that they could listen to and enjoy. I don’t know, random blog about a random thing I just think makes no sense to do. So remember Orioles: In the future this type of visual stuff might work for just about everything else, but you might wanna avoid something that involves seeing when it comes to blind people. At the very least use the ideas that I listed above because they are all way better than Braille Night.