I decided to watch the NFL draft last night because I’m a loser, and I’ve been tired all day because of it. The first round of the draft should realistically take 2 hours tops, but somehow they manage to stretch it into an entire night. I wouldn’t mind it being so long if it was atleast entertaining, but it’s actually about as fun as watching your grandparents have sex. Now at the risk of bitching about the draft, here I am bitching about the draft. Being the genius that I am, here are some of my ideas on how to make the NFL draft way better.
Idea 1: Way Shorter Times To Draft
This seems obvious, but it’s definitely the thing that drove me the craziest last night. They give teams 10 minutes for each pick and it’s infuriating. I know these picks are the difference between championships and millions of dollars in contracts, but 10 minutes? That’s overkill. 10 minutes is enough time for me to have sex 4 times and draft a fantasy team of my own, so it’s way too much time for a draft pick. These guys are supposed to be professional draft pickers anyway, so let’s hurry it up a bit. 5 minutes would be reasonable, but for some real entertainment, we have my second idea.
Idea 2: Give Teams 1 Minute to Draft
Could you imagine the chaos? Only giving teams 60 seconds to pick the possible next player to save their franchise would be fucking hilarious. For added fun, they should have a camera at every team’s headquarters and show them panicking while trying to decide what move to make. Imagine having the perfect plan on who to draft and that player gets selected right before you in the draft, so now you have 60 seconds to make a huge decision off the top of your head. Teams would lose their shit and it would be instant entertainment. Running around trying to find some last minute stats on somebody and crunching numbers while collectively shitting their pants. Now THAT is a draft I’d watch. Live look at every single team during the draft when their prospect gets picked and they hear, “You are now on the clock. 59, 58, 57….”
Idea 3: Get Rid Of All The “Analysis”
Part of why they give the unnecessary 10 minutes for draft picks is for bullshit commentary from the talking heads. Who gives a shit? It’s the same thing every single time. For example: One of them says, “I think this team should draft a defensive player, but they could also use some offense”. Then one of the other dipshits chimes in with, “Wow, that is a great point there. Offense and defense are both important in football, so I also agree with drafting either an offensive or defensive player here”. Ya dude, we know. They were also wrong on so many picks last night, so why even bother having them? Just flash us some quick stats at the bottom of the screen (The team’s record last year, who left, who they signed in the offseason etc.) and shut the fuck up. Them doing away with stupid talking segment is a good introduction into my next improvement
Idea 4: Replace The Analysis With Cheerleaders
Instead of hearing the bullshit commentary I described above, let’s replace it with cheerleaders dancing around in skimpy outfits that would make their dads wanna hang themselves. Fuck having a few old white guys on screen talking about nonsense. Let’s just replace that with hot chicks shaking their asses and tits around on stage for a minute while their team decides their draft pick. This would also give men the option to masturbate while watching the draft, which is a true “Two birds with one stone” scenario.
Idea 5: Pay Players On The Spot
I think teams should hand the players a briefcase full of money on draft night. Why you might ask? Because if we know anything about rookie athletes, they can’t handle money. I think it would be awesome to pay them a shitload of money and watch them go absolutely insane on draft night. Hit a strip club, snort coke, buy a $10,000 prostitute and fuck her in a newly bought $100,000 car. You know, shit like that. This brings me to my last idea
Idea 6: Huge Party Afterwards
A lot of these kids are my age and younger, and I can only imagine the stupid stuff I’d do if I got handed a million dollars. That’s why there should be a COPS-like camera crew that follows the players around all night and watches them party their balls off when the draft ends. Draft picks would be getting arrested and failing drug tests left and right, and isn’t that what the NFL is all about? There’s no better way to prepare these kids for their new NFL careers than to get it out of the way on the first night.
So there ya have it Roger Goodell, just a few ways to improve the draft. Being the nice guy I am, I even give you permission to use these ideas next year without even paying me (Not true whatsoever, I’ll see you in court if you try). If any of you have some suggestions for improving the NFL draft, leave em in the comment section. Together, we can turn that snooze fest into an electric night of television every year.