Umbrellas Are A Great Invention, But I Still Refuse To Use Them

Here’s Oli with a quick weather update for the Northeast right now

raining sidewways.gif

It is absolutely pouring in Boston right now, which really sucks because today is Marathon Monday. I guess this is a blessing in disguise for the runners though, because at least this way they can just drink water the whole time while they’re running. Thirsty? Just open your mouth for a few seconds and take in a nice refreshing flurry of rain droplets and you’re good to go. But despite this practical usage of rain for the runners, I am pissed about the current weather because, as a non athlete, Marathon Monday is usually a great day for outdoor day drinking in Massachusetts.

Since we celebrate Patriots Day around these parts, a lot of people don’t have work today. or at least had the foresight to take it off. This day off usually results in everybody openly drinking beers on the city sidewalks and cheering on the runners during their 26.2 mile journey. Marathon Monday is sneakily one of the biggest parties of the year in Boston, but I decided to skip the activities today because I didn’t feel like getting soaked. “But Chuck Taylor, why wouldn’t you just bring an umbrella out with you?” some of you might be asking yourselves. Well I’ll tell ya why: Because fuck umbrellas.

As the title suggests, I understand the overall usefulness of umbrellas. They do a decent job serving their only purpose, which is to keep you dry while outside during precipitation storms (Which is how a douchebag would refer to rain). But just because something works doesn’t mean I’m going to use it. Sure, they’re absolutely perfect for a rainy day, but so is staying inside. In fact, my strategy of staying inside all day is keeping me way dryer than an umbrella ever would. I just checked the forecast, and my couch has a 0% chance of rainfall today. This is actually the forecast forever unless I get a leak in my ceiling, which is likely because my house is old as shit. Regardless, the score is stil Smart Chuck Taylor 1, stupid, good for nothing umbrellas 0.

For most people, umbrellas seem like a good short term solution when trying to stay dry while walking from point A to point B, but I’m not most people. I’m an asshole who refuses to do certain things because I’m also a fucking moron. Despite my overall stupidity, even I know that standing outside for hours with an umbrella is a dumb plan. Why would I voluntarily stand in the pouring rain with a handheld roof over my head for an extended period of time? Holding things sucks, and that’s why we invented pockets and tables in the first place. Although umbrellas aren’t heavy, they are very awkward carry, especially if it’s windy out. Plus, there’s nothing worse than when an umbrella caves in on itself from the weight of the rain and it ends up dumping a shitload of water on you, just like athletes do to their coach after a big win. Except when this happens with an umbrella, it doesn’t have any of the excitement of a championship win and instead just gets your clothes wet and makes you pissed off. I’m also going to have a beer in my hand at all times too, so both hands would have been occupied all day while standing in a downpour and watching people run past me for some reason. Marathon Monday is fun because it’s usually nice out and everybody’s shitfaced, but today? Nah, I’m good. I had a lot more fun day drinking inside and reliving my childhood by watching old episodes of Hey Arnold.

hey arnold

To sum up my anti-umbrella argument: They work, but holding them for extended periods of time sucks ass. Come to think of it, umbrellas are also very uncool. When’s the last time you saw a cool person using an umbrella? Exactly. The only people who use umbrellas are old asian ladies when it’s sunny out for some weird reason. Bill Burr is on my side about the whole anti-umbrella thing, so at least I know I’m in good company

Can’t be roaming the streets with an umbrella because people might think I’m a fag (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). I’d rather be soaking wet than use an umbrella, and if that makes me an idiot (It does), then so be it. I’ll be a wet idiot who sticks to his guns and doesn’t let the weather dictate whether I hold an umbrella or not. Come to think of it, the only umbrellas I do respect are those ridiculous umbrella hats. Wearing one of those things is the ultimate, “I don’t give a fuck” look, and if it rains again next year on Marathon Monday, you can catch me drinking beers at the finish line looking like 71xCuN17bHL._SY355_.jpg


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