Most of us are probably familiar with the Titanic because of the movie, but the film kinda downplays the actual tragedy. Now I’m not knocking James Cameron here, because the visuals are great and he was pretty accurate in depicting how the ship likely sank. But due to the love story and shit, a lot of people forget how many people actually died and how shitty their deaths were. In fact, its the single greatest loss of life in oceanic history that wasn’t a result of war. Over 1,500 people died in the icy waters of the Northern Atlantic on April,15th 1912, and to put it lightly, it doesn’t sound like it was a very enjoyable boat ride.
I haven’t been on many cruises in my life, but the ones I have been on seemed like a better time than The Titanic. I say that because my cruise trips didn’t result in me swimming in frigid water and freezing to death, so I think I had more fun than Titanic passengers. Most people know the basic story of Titanic (Hit an iceberg, didn’t have enough life boats, shitload of people died), but I feel like nobody really considers how shitty that really must have been to be on the ship. I don’t know about you guys, but I fucking hate cold water. You know when you hop in the shower too fast and feeling some cold water for a few seconds kinda ruins your day? Now just imagine having to tread in water that’s way colder than that at night in the middle of the ocean. FUCK that. The water was so cold that there were literally giant blocks of ice floating around in it, which ironically is what caused all of those people to have to jump in the water for an unplanned midnight swim in the first place.
I really hope everybody on board was atleast a little bit drunk when the ship sank, because swimming in freezing cold water while sober sounds miserable. Anybody who was on The Titanic that didn’t take a shot or 10 before entering the water is an idiot of the highest caliber. The ship struck the iceberg just before midnight, so if you weren’t shitfaced or passed out already, what were you even doing? Being drunk while on a cruise ship should be mandatory, and I’m surprised that hasn’t been written into maritime law yet. There’s no excuse to not have a drink in your hand at all times while on a cruise ship. The last cruise I was on was when I was 15, and even I was drinking the entire time. How are you supposed to have fun in the middle of the ocean without alcohol? Trick question: You can’t.
Another thing that I think about often is what were people doing during the impact? We’ve already established that everybody should’ve been drunk, but I’m sure people were doing other things. I bet 2 people were having an intense midnight game of Jenga, and the collision with the iceberg knocked the tower over and ruined the game. Elsewhere on the boat, there was probably some guy shaving with a straight razor and he ended up slicing his jugular and bleeding to death when the boat crashed. Worst of all, I bet a bunch of people got cockblocked by that stupid iceberg. Guys were probably talking to chicks at the bar and buying them drinks all night and shit, only to have all that hard work get ruined by a giant piece of ice. I’m sure the collision made everybody fall over and spill their drinks and whatnot, and girls definitely started screaming and crying per usual. The guys probably tried to still convince the girls to go back to their cabin and do some sex, but by this point everybody was in full panic mode. The defeated men must have all gone back to their cabins and rubbed one out in sadness, now that they realized they weren’t gonna get laid and are probably gonna die soon. Rough realization, hence why I suggested that everybody should have been drinking heavily.
The “Women and children first’ thing would probably cause some issues today, seeing as apparently anyone can be whatever gender they want. If I were a dude on The Titanic, I’d just say I identify as a woman in order to get on a lifeboat. They obviously wouldn’t have listened back in 1912 because people were somewhat sane back then, but I honestly think that would work in 2018. Step aside crying kids, because Drunk White Kid is getting on this lifeboat before you. Despite not actually having a vagina and really just being a huge prick, I’m a woman who deserves to be saved more than some 7 year old. If I have to put on a dress and call myself Sally in order to not die, then so be it. That’s what survival of the fittest is all about: Adapting to your situation in order to stay alive. Oh, the ship I’m on is sinking and only women and children are allowed on lifeboats? Not on my watch. Time to tuck my dick between my legs, put on some lipstick, and sneak my way onto a lifeboat as a tranny. Desperate times call for desperate measures folks. Maybe I’d even kick it up a notch and put a basketball under my shirt and claim that I’m pregnant. They can’t deny me now, they’d be killing TWO of us. My plan is foolproof, and I’d probably show up to the lifeboat station looking like
I think we can all agree that being submerged in freezing cold water until you die is a rough way to go out, so rest in peace to the Titanic passengers who suffered that very fate on this day in 1912. I wrote this blog to bring some attention to how shitty the deaths of these people must have been, because it’s easy to forget the reality of tragedies like this. We’re pretty desensitized about The Titanic because most people just think of it as a movie, disregarding the fact that 1,500 actual people died in the real incident. Most of those people died because of a lack of lifeboats on board, leading them to have to tread water until another boat arrived. If only those people on The Titanic listened to Mitch Hedberg, they could’ve headed to the bar or kitchen, grabbed some fruit, and potentially saved their lives. The next time you’re on a boat, make sure you stay really drunk and always order drinks with limes in it for your own safety.