As most of you probably know, today is Friday the 13th. I don’t know the origin behind it, but for some reason we’ve all been told that Friday the 13th is supposed to be a day filled with bad luck and unfortunate accidents. I’m a somewhat skeptical person, which can clearly be seen by some of the crazy conspiracy theories I’ve convinced myself are true over the years (Coinstar machines stealing my money, Stephen Hawking being dead for years etc.). Well I’m proud to announce that I have successfully survived yet another Friday the 13th. If you’re reading this, you have also survived another attempt by the universe to bring bad luck into your life, so give yourself a round of applause. But don’t be mistaken: All of you survived today because of chance, whereas I survived because of experience.
I’m sure most of you are wondering how I manage to outsmart the universe at every turn and survive so many Friday the 13th’s with ease, so get your notebooks ready. Surviving a day of supposed bad luck comes easily to me, mainly because I’m unlucky all the time. My life is already filled with enough setbacks and misfortune, so whenever Friday the 13th comes around, I just think to myself, “Again? Alright, time to suck today’s dick I guess”. (Not literally, but not that there’s anything wrong with that). Because of the overall monotony and shittiness of my everyday life, Friday the 13th has become a walk in the park at this point. I went to work today, and it sucked just as much as it usually does. I actually battled a random bout of diarrhea during work all day, and I spent about half of my time there pissing brown urine out of my asshole. To most people, this bathroom situation would be considered a direct result of Friday the 13th and the bad luck that comes with it. However, I get diarrhea all the fucking time, and this was an average Friday for me. I eat like a piece of shit and I drink cheap beers all the time, so it’s no wonder my ass cheeks are touching a toilet seat for an average of 2 hours everyday. To sum up my day at work: I lost 5 pounds via diarrhea, fantasized about stabbing my manager to death, and sprinted to the liquor store immediately after clocking out. I know that sounds like a rough day caused by Friday the 13th, but for me it’s just par for the course.
If there was any time that I was gonna suffer serious injury because of today’s date, it would’ve happened on my commute home. But I managed to cross the street without getting hit by a car, and I successfully made my way into the smelly hopelessness of Boston’s subway system. Just like work, the MBTA sucks so bad in general that today felt no different than usual. There were multiple delays, and the entire train ride felt like being stuffed into a clown car with a drunk Bozo the Clown behind the wheel. Everyday is Friday the 13th when you ride the MBTA during rush hour. So despite being uncomfortable the whole time, the train didn’t go off the tracks and kill us all in a fiery blaze, so I’ll consider that a victory. Yet another example of me being completely immune to the power of Friday the 13th.
My after work activities didn’t change as a result of Friday the 13th either. I’ve spent the last 4 hours on my couch watching playoff hockey, eating pizza, and pouring beers down my throat. It even looks like I’m gonna win some money tonight, as long as The Flyers and Winnipeg keep playing the way they are. I never win bets, so it seems like Friday the 13th might have brought me some good luck this time around. Shit, I wish everyday was Friday the 13th at this point because today wasn’t half bad compared to most of my other days. I’m gonna drink a few more beers, attempt to jerk off if I’m not too drunk, and then pass out like I’m wearing a chloroform face mask. I know there’s still 2 hours left, but it seems as if I’ve survived yet another Friday the 13th (Knock on wood). I hope Jason Voorhees doesn’t show up out of nowhere and stab me to death while I’m sipping beers or stroking shaft, because getting violently murdered by that beer-league hockey enforcer would make my attitude on today do a quick 180. Stick to killing kids at Camp Crystal Lake, and leave Drunk White Kids like me alone.