So tonight after work, I turned on my TV and Forrest Gump was on. There must be some unknown law that says Forrest Gump has to be playing on atleast 1 channel at all times, because that’s the only explanation for how often it’s on. I don’t mind it though, because Forrest Gump is probably my favorite movie of all time. Alongside Goodfellas, I physically can’t scroll past either of those movies when they’re on. I think that everybody’s phone should get an alert message when those movies are about to start, kinda like the alert you get for bad weather or when a toddler gets kidnapped. But despite my love for Forrest Gump, something has been driving me nuts whenever I watch it lately: That blonde bitch named Jenny.
(Picture taken the day Jenny lost her virginity at the age of 8)
With every new watch of Forrest Gump, my hatred for Jenny grows. The amount of abuse she puts Forrest through is infuriating, and I just wanna reach through my TV screen and backhand her like a black pimp keeping one of his hoes in line. First of all they were childhood best friends, yet she treats him like shit the entire movie. Forrest is constantly going out of his way to protect her, and always lets her know that he loves her. But instead of appreciating him, she just continues being the selfish junkie bitch that she is. She’s such a wannabe loser too. You can see this by the fact that she hung around with Black Panthers, and she was always taking up whatever social cause was cool that week. Jenny is the classic hippy girl stereotype that we all knew growing up, and they’re the absolute worst. . They usually have a dream catcher or tribal symbol tattoo, and wear stupid peace chains and feather earrings and shit. They constantly talk your ear off about how “Woke” and “Free spirited” they are, which really means they’re just a slut that does a bunch of drugs, bangs random dudes, and then complains when no good guys want to settle down with her.
Then one night Jenny’s slutty tendencies got the best of her, and she finally let Forrest become the one millionth dude to stick his dick inside of her. Congrats on the sex Forrest, but we all know what happened next: She went and got pregnant like a goddamn idiot! Classic bitch move on her part. I know it takes 2 to tango, but I don’t blame Forrest for this one bit. Wearing a condom is for middle schoolers and religious weirdos, not war heroes like Forrest Gump. Condom sex isn’t real sex, but I do think he should’ve pulled out and came on her face like the end of a porno flick. It definitely wouldn’t have been the first time Jenny caught a hot one to the eye, and it wouldn’t have been the last either. I’m sure she’d probably been popping Plan B pills like M and M’s for most of her life anyway, so she should’ve done Forrest a solid and killed that fetus before it even started forming. Once that whore said the kid was his, Forrest should’ve been like
Another forgotten fact about Jenny is that she had AIDS. They never actually say it in the movie, but she dies of a “new” illness that they don’t understand yet. This was the late 80’s, early 90’s at this point, and AIDS was becoming the talk of the town. So it was definitely AIDS that she caught during her decades long career traveling the country as a drug addict whore. Which brings up a much more important question: Did she knowingly infect Forrest with her gross AIDS? I don’t know because the movie doesn’t really tell us when she found out, but if she did, that’s fucked up. It’s highly probable because he banged her without a rubber, and I’m no AIDS expert, but that sounds like a pretty good way of contracting AIDS. This realization makes me hate her even more.
Forrest spent decades of his life chasing this dumb broad around when he really should have been out getting the plethora of ass that he rightfully deserved. Forrest Gump was a millionaire American war hero who unfortunately let his own kindness and mild-retardation get the best of him. As Donald Trump would tweet, “Sad!”. I feel for Forrest though, mainly because I think we’ve all been there at somepoint. Hot sluts that love doing drugs are my kryptonite, and I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing girls just like Jenny. I would’ve loved to run into Jenny back in the day and hopefully have a drug fueled sex sesh with her (Before the AIDS ofcourse). I guess the main point I wanted to make in this blog is that Forrest Gump was way better than Jenny, and it sucks to see another good guy succumb to a hot whore’s curse. She treated him like shit and kept leading him on by popping in and out of his life every decade or so, and I think she deserved to die from AIDS. If I had a nickel for every slut I caught feelings for, I’d have enough money to pay an even hotter girl to bang me constantly. Forrest Gump is all of us, and all of us are Forrest Gump. On that note: Peace out to all the dudes like me out there, and God bless us on our constant search for hot sluts that are drunk and horny.