Tonight after work I turned on my TV, and lo and behold, Forrest Gump was on. There must be some unknown law that says Forrest Gump has to be playing on 1 channel at all times or something, because that’s the only explanation for how often it’s on. I don’t mind it though, seeing as Forrest Gump is probably my favorite movie of all time. Alongside Goodfellas, I physically can’t scroll past either of these movies when they’re on because they are such Bona Fide classics. I think that everybody’s phone should get an alert message when those movies are about to start, similar to the alerts you get for bad weather or when a toddler in your area gets kidnapped. But despite my love for Forrest Gump, something has been driving me nuts whenever I watch it lately: That blonde bitch named Jenny.

My hatred for Jenny grows more and more every time I watch Forrest Gump. The amount of abuse she puts Forrest through during the movie is infuriating, and I just want to reach my arm through the TV screen and backhand her like a large black pimp keeping one of his hoes in line.

First of all, they were childhood best friends, yet she treats him like shit the entire movie. Forrest is constantly going out of his way to protect her and always letting her know that he loves her, but instead of appreciating everything Forrest does for her, she just continues on being the selfish junkie bitch that she is.

Jenny is such a wannabe loser too. She’s one of those people that spends her days taking up whatever social cause her and her unemployed friends think is cool that week. She’s the classic hippy girl stereotype that we all knew growing up, and they’re the absolute worst. They usually have a dream catcher or tribal symbol tattoo, wear stupid peace chains and feather earrings and shit, and believe that they’re some kind of rebellious crusader for justice, despite not doing a goddamn thing. They’ll constantly talk your ear off about how “Woke” and “Free spirited” they are, which really just means they do a bunch of drugs, bang a lot of random dudes, and then complain when no good guys want to settle down with them.

After a few years of following The Grateful Dead’s tour bus around, she met back up with Forrest again. At this point I would estimate that she had slept with everybody on Earth except for Forrest, so she finally came to her senses and rewarded him with some well deserved sex. And what happened next? She got pregnant! I know it takes 2 to tango, but I don’t blame Forrest for this unexpected pregnancy one bit. Wearing a condom is for chumps, not war heroes like Forrest Gump. Plus, I imagine she spent most of her life popping Plan B pills like M and M’s anyway, so she after she abandoned him the next morning, AGAIN, she could have at least done Forrest a solid and walked her ass to CVS. The second that Jenny told Forrest that the kid was his, Forrest should’ve been like

Another forgotten fact about Jenny is that she had AIDS and probably gave it to Forrest. They never actually say AIDS in the movie, but she dies of a “new” illness that they don’t understand yet. This was the late 80’s to early 90’s at this point, and AIDS was becoming the talk of the town. Seeing as she engaged in a long career of traveling the country injecting drugs and banging strangers, I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that she had AIDS. Which brings up a much more important question: Did she knowingly infect Forrest with her gross AIDS? I don’t know because the movie doesn’t really tell us when she found out about it, but if she did, that’s fucked up. Knowingly infecting someone else with AIDS is a death sentence, and this realization makes me hate her even more.

Forrest spent decades of his life chasing this dumb broad around, but he really should have been out getting the plethora of ass that he rightfully deserved. Forrest Gump was a millionaire American war hero, but unfortunately, he let his own kindness and mild-retardation get the best of him

I feel for Forrest though, mainly because I think we’ve all been there at some point. Overly promiscuous girls that love doing drugs are my kryptonite, and I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing girls just like Jenny. I can’t judge Forrest for chasing after her because if I existed in the Forrest Gump universe, I would have loved to run into Jenny back in the day and hopefully have a drug fueled sex- session with her (Before the AIDS of course).

I guess the main point I wanted to make in this blog is that Jenny didn’t deserve Forrest Gump in the slightest, and that it sucks to see another good guy like him succumb to a hot whore’s curse. She treated him like shit and kept leading him on by popping in and out of his life every few years, just to mess with his emotions because she was a succubus. If I had a nickel for every girl like Jenny that I’ve caught feelings for, I’d have enough money to buy majority stock in Bubba Gump Shrimping Company.

I mentioned before that this is my favorite movie, so naturally I have a favorite part. It’s tough to narrow down because the whole movie is so iconic, but I think my favorite part of the movie is when she literally dies of AIDS. I stand up and applaud in my living room every time that part of the movie comes around.

Forrest Gump is all of us, and all of us are Forrest Gump. On that note, peace out to all of the dudes like me and Forrest out there, and God bless us on our endless and hopeless pursuit of girls that either don’t deserve us or are completely out of our league