Like most Sundays, I’ve been dealing with a pretty bad hangover all day. My first thought when I woke up this morning and realized my hungover state was, “I wanna die right now”, and I’ve had that same thought multiple times throughout the day just to put me out of my misery. Death is a very interesting thing for a number of reasons. First of all, think of how universal it is. I mean, we’re all gonna die someday. Everybody that ever existed died, and everybody that ever will exist will also eventually die.  It’s kinda cool if you think about it that way, but maybe I’m just fucked in the head. There are also so many different ways that I person can die. Get hit by a bus, jump off a building, be old as fuck etc. So I figured a good way to spend this lazy Sunday would be to talk about my personal least favorite ways of dying. Seeing as there are so many different ways of achieving death, I’m gonna keep my answers pretty broad to try to cover a bunch of different ones at once. In the future I might do another more in depth blog about certain ones, but without further ado, lets talk about horrible ways to die!

5. DISEASE/ILLNESS

I’ve always believed that the world is too overpopulated with idiots and we need a plague. But I’m also a selfish prick, so if this ever happens, I hope it happens to everybody but me. Catching a deadly disease would SUCK. Remember ebola? Luckily that shit never really got to the US, but it makes you bleed from every oriface until you die. Cholera is another common disease in 3rd world countries that would suck to catch. You basically shit yourself to death. I’ve had plenty of diarrhea in my life, and I’ve never enjoyed it. So call me crazy, but shitting until I’m so dehydrated that I die sounds very wack. I’ve had a cold the past few days and it’s been pissing me off so bad, so I can only imagine how bad it would suck to have an actual health concern that eventually kills me. I’d rather not, but just think of having AIDS or cancer. Fuck that. It would be a long, shitty death as your body gets weaker and weaker until you’re so weak that your body shuts down completely. Yet despite how shitty dying from a health issue would be, it’s still more appealing than some of the other options on my list.

4. GETTING ATTACKED BY AN ANIMAL

First and foremost, that picture is awesome. The guy was probably taunting the alligator with food or some shit and got his hand bitten off. What a fucking idiot. Taking the number 4 spot on my worst ways to die list is getting killed by a wild animal. Very broad answer because there are so many animals out there, and eventually I might do a list of the worst animals to get killed by, but for now lets keep it simple. This would suck because it would probably be very unexpected and would hurt a lot. I’ve never been eaten by a shark or clawed to death by a bear, but I’m gonna assume that both of them suck balls. A lot of animals eat their prey while it’s still alive too, so your last moments on earth would be screaming from agonizing pain while getting eaten alive. Definitely not ideal, but atleast it would be a quick death in most cases. Gotta think positive, even if you are getting mauled to death by a wild beast.

3. EXPOSURE

And no, I don’t mean opening up a trench coat and exposing your dick to strangers. I mean exposure to the elements. This is another broad answer, but I basically mean getting lost in the woods or something like that and dying of natural causes. This includes things like freezing to death, dehydrating, starving to death etc. because you’re all alone in the wilderness. Atleast Tom Hanks had his volleyball friend Wilson to keep him “sane” during his time on that island. I’d probably just twiddle my thumbs until I went insane, and then wandered around for a few days until I fell off a cliff or starved to death. This is exactly why I avoid things like camping. Head into some uncharted woods with just a tent, a small amount of food, and no basic survival skills? Nah dude, I’m good. Nature sucks, and I’d much rather drink beers on my couch and play Candy Crush. If I wanna experience nature, I can just smoke a joint and watch Planet Earth, maybe open a window to feel the breeze if I’m really feeling crazy. I think the worst way to die of exposure would be getting stuck while spelunking (Which is cave exploring for all you retards out there). Think of getting stuck between rocks, unable to free yourself, and screaming “Help” for like a week until you finally die. Nightmare scenario right there, and I get anxiety just thinking about it.

2. DROWNING

Number 2 is pretty self explanatory. I think most people would agree that drowning would fucking suck. You know that panicked feeling you get when someone holds you underwater in a pool for a couple seconds? Now just imagine that feeling for way longer and until you literally die. Well I guess technically you go unconscious first, thus opening your mouth up and flooding your lungs with water. Either way, you’re gonna have to experience not being able to breathe for awhile, and thats such a bad feeling. I just tried holding my breath for 20 seconds while writing this and I couldn’t do it. My brain kept thinking, “Yo dude, you should probably breathe”. So I did, and it felt awesome. Wanting to breathe and not being able to because you’re underwater and scared would suck, and thats why drowning is number 2 on my list.

1. BURNING ALIVE

Winning this little death contest I created would be burning to death. I burnt myself while lighting a cigarette last night, and I was like, “Fuck, that really hurt”, and it was just my thumb for half a second. Because of my pussy reaction to the cigarette thing, I’m gonna assume that being completely engulfed in flames and experiencing that same pain over your whole body for an extended period of time would fucking suck. Not to mention the fact that you’re obviously freaking out (Unless you’re some weirdo who likes being set on fire) and you’re probably trying to do that stupid stop, drop and roll technique they taught us all in elementary school. Another morbid fact about people who burn to death is that a lot of them actually die from smoke inhalation. Thats right: You actually die from inhaling hot smoke and the smell of your own skin burning off, not just the excruciating pain that comes with it. For that reason, I think this would be the shittiest way to die. Now I also completely understand why people were willing to jump to their deaths on 9/11 rather than burn. I would rather splat on the concrete than get cooked to death, but maybe that’s just me.