Today Is The Ides Of March: My Yearly Reminder That Paul Pierce Is Way Tougher Than Julius Caesar

Based on the title, I’m sure most of you are probably thinking to yourselves, “What the hell is the Ides of March?” and “What do Paul Pierce and Julius Caesar have to do with eachother?” Well for all of you slackers who fell asleep in school, the Ides of March is today, March 15th, and it is also the day that Julius Caesar got stabbed a bunch of times and died (atleast in Shakespeare’s play it is). The story goes that Julius Caesar went to a soothsayer to have his future read, and the soothsayer told him, “Beware the Ides of March”. Caesar, not buying a word of what this soothsayer was selling, decided not to listen to the warning. Turns out that soothsayer wasn’t so full of shit after all, because the Senate stabbed him to death on The Ides Of March and left the knives in him to make him like like a porcupine. Quick little history lesson, but back to Paul Pierce. The reason why I said that Paul Pierce is tougher than Julius Caesar in the title is simple: Paul Pierce survived being stabbed repeatedly, whereas Julius Caesar died like a little bitch.

On September 25th, 2000, Paul Pierce decided to go out for a night on the town in Boston. Instead of a good time, he got a bottle smashed over his head and was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back. His lung got pierced (Had to), and he underwent surgery to repair the damage. Despite all of this, Pierce didn’t miss a single game of the 2000-2001 season. After being stabbed 11 times and almost dying, the guy was playing in the NBA weeks later like nothing happened. Back out on the court dropping triple doubles as if he wasn’t just bleeding to death on a sidewalk in Boston’s Theatre District weeks earlier. I forget, what was Caesar doing a few weeks after he got stabbed? Oh that’s right, he was dead because he was a gigantic pussy.

Now you might be wondering why I would even compare these two, but there are actually some similarities between these two legends. For starters, both of them were leaders at the time when they were stabbed. Caesar was leading the Ancient Roman Empire, and Pierce was leading an equally dominant empire: The Boston Celtics. Well to be more accurate it was the early 2000’s Celtics, who were mediocre at best, but the comparison still stands. They also both got stabbed a bunch of times, but what a lot of people don’t know is that they actually said very similar things after the fact. Caesar famously said, “Et tu, Brutus?” to his friend, Brutus, upon realizing that he had also played a role in stabbing him. Pierce echoed these words, saying, “Et tu, random guy at Buzz Nightclub?” after realizing a random guy stabbed him multiple times. The similarity is mind blowing, and I promise you it is true.

Even though they had some similarities, there were also some differences. Here’s how Paul Pierce reacted to getting stabbed a bunch of times


And here’s how Julius Caesar reacted to getting stabbed a bunch of times


As you can see, it’s pretty clear who’s the alpha and who’s the omega in this situation. Caesar fell on the ground and died, Whereas Paul Pierce probably picked up the knife and stabbed himself a few more times just for the fuck of it. I bet he didn’t even take an ambulance to the hospital either. He probably just walked there and stopped for a slice of pizza on the way with the knife still in him.

Paul Pierce is just tougher and better at everything than Julius Caesar was, and it’s not even up for debate. There’s not a doubt in my mind that Paul Pierce could have run the Roman Empire, but could Julius Caesar have led the Celtics to an NBA Championship? Not a fucking chance. He was a short white guy, and everybody knows Italians can’t play basketball (New stereotype I just invented). If they played eachother 1 on 1, Caesar’s ankles would break off of his body. Well atleast thats what I assume would happen, seeing as everything else about his body seemed to be frail.

I’m sick of talking about this Roman prima donna, so here’s the summary of my argument: Paul Pierce is the fucking man, and Julius Caesar was a little bitch who couldn’t take a stab if his life depended on it (which it quite literally did). How you come out of a life or death situation is what really separates the men from the boys, and Pierce is drinking champagne out of the O’Brien Trophy while Caesar is drawing in a coloring book at the kids table. Caesar should just stick to inventing salads, and leave the heavy lifting to true legends and stabbing survivors like Paul Pierce. Hey Caesar, you want The Truth? You can’t handle The Truth!


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