Today Is The Ides Of March: My Yearly Reminder That Paul Pierce Is Way Tougher Than Julius Caesar

Based on the title, I’m sure some of you are probably confused and asking yourselves, “What the hell is the Ides of March?” and “What do Paul Pierce and Julius Caesar have to do with eachother?”. Valid questions, so let me try to explain.

The Ides of March is today, March 15th, and it is also the day that Julius Caesar got stabbed to death (atleast in Shakespeare’s play it is). The story goes that Julius Caesar went to a soothsayer to have his future read, and the soothsayer told him, “Beware the Ides of March”. Caesar decided not to listen to the warning, which was a bad call on his part because turns out that soothsayer was legit. Caesar showed up to work and The Senate stabbed him repeatedly, like a blind guy trying to get the straw into a Capri Sun.

Quick little history lesson for ya, but let’s move on to Paul Pierce.

Some of you might not know this, but Paul Pierce got stabbed multiple times too. On September 25th, 2000, Paul Pierce decided to go out for a night on the town in Boston. But instead of a good time, he got a bottle smashed over his head and was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back. His lung got pierced (Had to), and he underwent surgery to repair the damage. Despite all of this, Pierce didn’t miss a single game of the 2000-2001 season.

Which brings me back to the title, and I guess the whole point of this blog. The reason why I said that Paul Pierce is tougher than Julius Caesar in the title is simple: Paul Pierce survived being stabbed repeatedly, whereas Julius Caesar died like a little bitch.

It’s admittedly a strange comparison/argument to make, but that just gives you a look into my stupid brain.

Anyway, after being stabbed 11 times and almost dying, Paul Pierce was back to playing in the NBA a few weeks later like nothing happened. Just got back out on the court and started dropping triple doubles again as if he wasn’t just bleeding to death on a sidewalk in Boston’s Theatre District weeks earlier.

I forget, what was Caesar doing a few weeks after he got stabbed again? Oh that’s right, he was dead because he was a gigantic pussy.

Now you might be wondering why I would even bother comparing these two, but there are actually some similarities between these two legends.

For starters, both of them were leaders at the time when they were stabbed. Julius Caesar was leading the Ancient Roman Empire, and Paul Pierce was leading an equally dominant empire: The Boston Celtics. Well to be more accurate it was the early 2000’s Celtics, who were mediocre at best, but the comparison still stands.

Another thing they had in common was that they both got stabbed a bunch of times, but what a lot of people don’t know is that they also said very similar things after the fact. Caesar famously said, “Et tu, Brutus?” to his friend, Brutus, upon realizing that he had also played a role in stabbing him. Pierce echoed these words, saying, “Et tu, random guy at Buzz Nightclub?” after realizing a random guy stabbed him multiple times. The similarity is mind blowing, and I promise you it is 100% true.

Even though they had some similarities, there were also some major differences. For example, here’s how Paul Pierce reacted to getting stabbed a bunch of times


And here’s how Julius Caesar reacted to getting stabbed a bunch of times


As you can see, it’s pretty clear who is the alpha and who is the omega in this situation. Caesar fell on the ground and died, whereas Paul Pierce (might have) picked up the knife and stabbed himself a few more times just for the fuck of it. I bet he didn’t even take an ambulance to the hospital either, just walked there and stopped for a slice of pizza on the way with the knife still in him because he’s the man.

Paul Pierce is way tougher and better at everything than Julius Caesar was, and it’s not even up for debate. There’s not a doubt in my mind that Paul Pierce could have run the Roman Empire had the roles been reversed, but could Julius Caesar have led the Celtics to an NBA Championship? Not a fucking chance. He was a short white guy, and everybody knows Italians can’t play basketball (Which is a new stereotype I just invented). If they played eachother 1 on 1, Caesar’s ankles would break off of his body. Well atleast thats what I assume would happen, seeing as everything else about his body seemed to be frail.

Quite frankly, I’m sick of talking about this Roman prima donna, so here’s the summary of my argument: Paul Pierce is the fucking man, and Julius Caesar was a little bitch who couldn’t take a stab if his life depended on it (which it quite literally did). How you come out of a life or death situation is what really separates the men from the boys, and Pierce is drinking champagne out of the O’Brien Trophy while Caesar is drawing in a coloring book at the kids table. Caesar should just stick to inventing salads, and leave the heavy lifting to true legends and stabbing survivors like Paul Pierce.

Hey Caesar, you want The Truth? You can’t handle The Truth!


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