So earlier this week, Tom Brady went on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert and drank him under the table.
Tom Brady made Colbert not only look like somebody who has never drank alcohol before, but he made him look like somebody who has never even swallowed liquid before. Brady had time to put his glass down, pick it back up, drink the tiny sip that was left, and put it back down again before Colbert finished. I know he’s the GOAT, but Jesus Christ have some respect for yourself Colbert. Now I’m not a strong chugger myself, much more or a marathon drinker, but even I could suck a pint down quicker than him. This display of greatness on Tom’s part and utter embarrassment on Colbert’s part got me thinking about the concept of competitive drinking, and made me question why this great idea hasn’t become a thing yet. So here I am, leading the charge, to say that the world needs some Beer Fest style drinking leagues.
Sure I like watching the NBA and NFL as much as the next guy, but some NDL (National Drinking League) games every once in a while would make the week suck a lot less. Just like other sports, we would start em’ young and slowly mold kids into reaching their full alcoholic potential by training them to become amazing drinkers at a young age. I don’t know about you guys, but I began my boozin’ days as a young teen. I would drink cheap vodka out of a water bottle at a park or in the woods, and then sprint my ass off whenever the cops came. There was no sport in it, just the desire to get fucked up. If I had a goal to work toward, such as making it as an athlete in the NDL, maybe I would have trained harder instead of ending up sitting on a bench throwing up on my shoes all the time. I would have quit playing normal sports and focused on the more important task of drinking quickly, in the hopes it would lead to a scholarship.
Which brings me to my next idea: The CDL (College Drinking League). Now the first rule with this would be that the NCAA has to stay the fuck away because they destroy everything they touch. This would be an independently run league where the best college-aged athletes could face off against one another. Now I know what you’re thinking: “The drinking age is 21, how would this work?”. Yes, it is true that the drinking laws in the United States are retarded. We let a bunch of crying bitches who were mad about drunk driving get it changed from the sensible age of 18, to the ridiculous age of 21 back in the 80’s (Thanks for being such a buzzkill Mothers Against Drunk Driving). To get around this unfortunate truth, only juniors and seniors could compete in the CDL (legally). Recruiting of high school kids would obviously still happen on the hush-hush, just like it does in the NCAA. Underage college kids would further develop their drinking skills in the CDL’s underground intramural league, which is known as partying. Once certain kids start making a name for themselves around campus, word travels fast, and these kids will get drafted to represent their school in the CDL once they turn 21. As for the actual competition, it would be exactly like the movie Beer Fest. Flip cup, beer pong, Das Boot etc. Basically any drinking game/idea that can be turned into a contest would be implemented. These kids would compete in various drinking contests against other schools until graduation, and then best of the best would get drafted into the National Drinking League.
The NDL would work exactly like all other major sports leagues: The best drinkers forming teams and competing against eachother during televised events. Think of how many companies that would be willing to sponsor a league like this. Alcohol companies, food chains, betting websites etc. Could you imagine being able to turn on your TV on a Tuesday night and watch Team Budweiser face off against Team Taco Bell in a drinking contest? It would be fucking amazing. Ratings would be higher than Snoop Dogg on a weed farm, and it would bring the excitement factor back into regular season sports. You think that All Star Breaks are crazy in other leagues? Imagine The National Drinking League’s All Star Break. The best and craziest drinkers all together in the same city for a week long party. It would make Spring Break in Cancun look like an Amish village. When other countries see how great the NDL is doing, naturally they’ll want to form leagues of their own. Once every country has their own league made up of it’s best competitive drinkers, it would be time for the real test: A yearly international drinking tournament.
Just imagine the Olympics, but with less boring events and a lot more fighting and puking. Every country would send a 6 man team to represent them in whatever host city was selected that year, and they’d face off against the rest of the world to decide who is the best at consuming alcohol. My intuition tells me that countries like the United States, Ireland, Russia, England, and Germany would be the top dogs, but thanks to the lack of any actual athleticism, it’s really any mans game.
The fact that these ideas haven’t already been put in place is madness, and I won’t rest until this becomes a reality. But unfortunately, due to PC culture and the overall pussified state of the world today, we might have already missed the boat on making this happen. Activists would claim that it doesn’t promote responsible drinking (Yeah no shit, drinking responsibly is for designated drivers not alcohol athletes), and they’d cry in the streets about it until people caved and put an end to it. Despite this, I’m not ready to give up on an idea this great. This is the hill I’m ready to die on, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who wants to see what I outlined in this blog happen in real life.
PS: If you had to form your own hypothetical drinking team with 6 people , dead or alive, who would you pick? I’m picking (And winning with):
- Andre the Giant
- Wade Boggs
- Stone Cold Steve Austin
- John Daly
- Tom Brady
- Edgar Allen Poe