Porn: It’s awesome.

Aside from Tom Brady highlights, it’s probably my favorite thing to watch whenever I’m beating my dick like it owes me money. This simple 3-5 minute activity gives me the will to live, and I would argue that I love jerking off just as much, if not more, than Louis CK. My hand and I carrying out sexual fantasies with these pornstars that wouldn’t so much as stand in my general vicinity in real life is okay, but it would inarguably be better to actually bang one of these professional penis pleasurers in real life for obvious reasons.

That’s why you can imagine my excitement when I learned about a contest that is currently taking place involving one of these aforementioned women. The contest I’m talking about is being hosted by Lela Star, and the winner of this contest doesn’t win a traditional prize like money or an autograph. This is a “Fuck a fan” contest, meaning Lela Star will literally fuck whatever lucky fan wins. As a person who was taught to seize any and all positive opportunities presented to you, you bet your ass I entered this contest.

Now I should start this off by saying that Lela Star isn’t exactly in my usual rotation, if you catch my drift. She’s a little too plastic for me, and her lips sort of look like she has a shellfish allergy and is constantly having a reaction after eating an ocean’s worth of shrimp.

But credit where credit is due, her ass is a comically large work of art that I speculate would be very fun to repeatedly thrust into from behind. Her giant ass, combined with the fact she has sex professionally and would likely rock my world, is more than enough for me to look past her terrible plastic surgery and remain a contender in this contest.

The rules of the contest are simple, and here she is explaining the rules on Twitter

So all you have to do to enter for a chance to, as she says it “Do whatever you want to all of her holes”, is buy her premium Snapchat. Now normally I would say anybody that pays for some pornstar’s premium Snapchat is an idiot because they can just watch for free on multiple websites, but this is different. Plus, I paid using money I had in a random old PayPal account from years ago that I would have likely never used, so it feels as if I signed up for free. And even if I don’t win the contest, I bet all of the extremely slutty things she does on Snapchat will be a decent consolation prize. So now all there is to do is sit back and wait for my name to get called.

And for anybody thinking that this is just a scam and she won’t actually follow through, she already did one of these “Fuck a fan” contests back in October and banged the dude. Don’t believe me? It’s on Pornhub right now as we speak, because one of the stipulations of the contest is you have to film a scene with her. This is a little bit of a deterrent for me because of the possibility that my penis might get camera shy and I’ll consequently embarrass myself in front of the whole world. Based on the other fan’s below average dick size and overall awkwardness, he is definitely a fan just like you or me and not an actor, so I think the contest is legit. So if winning this contest means I have to also film a porn scene, I’d be willing to cross that bridge when I come to it.

So Lela Star: Make the right decision here and pick my dick out of the crowd. I won’t disappoint, and by that, I mean I 100% will disappoint you, but you should still pick me anyway.

She said she would announce the winner during the second week in January, so that means any day now. My fingers have been crossed since New Years, so wish me luck guys. Also, here’s to hoping this “Fuck a fan” idea catches on and more pornstars start doing it. Looking at you Riley Reid, please and thank you.

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