After a lengthy process, the necessary votes came in today to allow an expansion team in the city of Seattle that will make it’s NHL debut during the 2021-22 season. This will be the first time that Seattle has had a winter sports team since 2008, when their NBA franchise, the Seattle Supersonics, packed up and left for Oklahoma City to become the Thunder. I would say the residents of Seattle are thrilled about this news, but I’m sure they’re all too busy drinking coffee and being depressed. Nevertheless, this is big news to me as an avid hockey fan, so if they don’t want to stop listening to Nirvana for 2 seconds in order to watch their new team that’s their business. No official name has been announced yet, but I read somewhere that one of the working titles right now is the Metropolitans, which was the name of Seattle’s hockey team back in the 1920’s. I tweeted earlier about how bad that name is, having scored a -10/10 on my name scale. Being the generous guy that I am, I’ve decided to help the city of Seattle out with this process. I’m sure they’ve got their hands filled with paperwork and other bullshit to get this franchise off the ground, so consider this me deputizing myself to give the team a name. Here are some ideas off the top of my head that I think would be great names for Seattle’s new hockey team.
I had to start the list off with this for obvious reasons. There was already an iconic Seattle franchise with this name, so it would make a whole lot of sense to get 2 birds with 1 stone by naming the new team this in order to bring the Sonics back to Seattle. Another reason why this would be a good move is because the classic Supersonic jerseys were sick , and I feel as if they would look even cooler as sweaters out on the ice. Naming your sports teams the supersonics, implying they play faster than the speed of sound, is awesome, but due to the fact Seattle wants to bring an NBA franchise back to the city eventually, I doubt it’ll happen.
When I think of Seattle, I think of grunge, and I think most people do as well. This style of music originated there, and I think this would work well because grunge music perfectly sums up Seattle: Depressing, rainy, dirty, drug ridden etc. As for what the jerseys would look like, I was thinking some type of flannel pattern coupled with the Nirvana logo, if Courtney Love isn’t being a bitch (Unlikely) and allows the team to use it. All jokes aside though, I think the Seattle Grunge would be a fucking sweet name for a hockey team.
One tactic that some of franchises use when deciding what to name their team is to incorporate something the city is associated with into the name. When it comes to Seattle, there is a particular needle that comes to mind. I’m talking ofcourse about heroin needles. Seattle has had a raging IV drug problem for decades now, and the city seems to be pretty proud of it seeing as they built a giant needle that serves as a landmark in the city’s skyline. For these reasons, it would only make sense to name the team after the city’s most popular method of drug administration. For alliterative purposes, you could also go with The Seattle Syringes instead of needles, but hey whatever works.
Seattle has a rich maritime history, which can be seen by the name of their baseball team: The Seattle Mariners. Playing off of the fishing theme, I think the Seattle Seamen would make a fine name for the new hockey team. I’m not sure if you noticed, but the name is actually a sexually suggestive joke. You see, seamen sounds just like semen, which is male reproductive fluid that is released during intercourse and fertilizes eggs. Get it? Wow what a great joke. The team would profit on merchandise sales alone, as high school and college classrooms would be filled to the brim with Seattle Seamen apparel and laughter. It would be like how the South Carolina Gamecocks make a shitload of money selling cocks apparel. Sex sells baby
Making the new team called the Seattle Nordiques would be an A+ troll job. If you’re unfamiliar with hockey, the Nordiques used to be a team based in Quebec City and no longer exists. Stealing their name would be hilarious because Quebec City has been campaigning for years to get a team again, but seeing as Seattle just got approved that probably won’t happen anytime soon. All across Twitter today I saw people from Quebec bitching about Seattle. Atleast I assume they were bitching. I couldn’t really tell because it was all in French, because for some reason they speak French despite living in Canada. Figure that shit out and then maybe we’ll let you have an NHL team. Until then, keep supporting the sinking ship of an organization known as the Montreal Canadiens.
Part of what makes a franchise successful is for them to properly incapsulate the city that it’s in. That’s why I think it would make perfect sense to name the new team after Starbucks: A highly successful coffee company based in Seattle. The jersey’s would feature the Starbucks logo, Starbucks would be sold at the stadium, players would be drinking mocha lattes on the bench etc. The thought of a team completely selling out like this and being a living advertisement is very funny to me, but it’s also sad when you realize that’s literally where sports is heading. If that’s the case, why not get an early jump on it?
Building off of my last idea, Jeff Bezos should buy the new team and name it after his Seattle based company Amazon. He’s the richest guy in the world, so this would essentially be like taking an ad out in a newspaper for him. I can already hear the corny puns from the announcer booth now: “The Amazons SHIP the puck down ice” or “The Amazons find themselves in a PRIME opportunity to take the lead here”. Another plus in this deal would be that on nights where there aren’t any games, the stadium could double as an Amazon shipping warehouse. You’re welcome Jeff Bezos for telling you how to make even more money you rich prick. Something would have to be done about the logo though, because I never realized how boring the Amazon logo is. I’ve taken shits that looked more intriguing than that.
I’ve already mentioned how important it is to weave something about the city into the name, and Seattle and suicide go together like peanut butter and jelly. Seattle has built a reputation as being a suicide capital because of it’s rainy weather, grunge music, drugs, and famous suicides like Kurt Cobain, so why not name the team after this, albeit upsetting, fact? Nobody said the name had to be cheery, just catchy, and if you don’t think the Seattle Suicides has a certain ring to it you’re lying to yourself. Deciding on a logo will be tricky, but I was thinking either a slit wrist or the silouette of somebody hanging. I even have a good slogan for the team: “Playing against Seattle? That’s suicide!”. Just face it, the name and my subsequent ideas a fucking good.
Bigfoot is real and lives in the pacific Northwest, that much we know. That’s why I think it’s about time he gets the recognition he deserves by naming this new Seattle hockey franchise after him. The logo could either be a Sasquatch footprint or Bigfoot in pads holding a hockey stick. Better yet, we should find Bigfoot(s) to play for the team. Can you imagine that frail bitch boy Crosby facing off against the unit that’s pictured above? There’s a better chance that any of my name ideas get taken seriously than there is that Sidney gets off the ice alive.
So those are just some of my spitball ideas for what I think Seattle should name their newly acquired hockey team. If I were them, I would definitely go for shock value because nobody likes a boring name. Your city already has a subpar history with luck in the sports world (The Mariners not making the playoffs since Jesus was alive, Supersonics leaving, Seahawks not running the ball on the 1 yard line) so you might as well stand out from the crowd and get people talking. I like all of my name ideas, but if you put a gun to my head I would go with the Seattle Grunge and call it a day. And for anybody that’s wondering how this new team is gonna affect divisions, here you go