The English language is filled with plenty of idioms that for whatever reason contain the names of animals. Some examples of this would be common idiomatic expressions like, “Kill 2 birds with 1 stone” or the aforementioned “Hold your horses” that I used in the title. I have no idea how these phrases came to be, but if I had to guess I would say it’s because they all make perfect sense. Whatever point they’re trying to get across is understood by the general population, and given their popularity, nobody seems to have a problem with them. That is until yesterday, when PETA tweeted out one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen. Before I go any further, here is the tweet I’m talking about

I must say that this makes a whole lot of sense. Words DO matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves-which really means a bunch of offended pussies dictating to the rest of us what we are and aren’t allowed to say, ironically a form of the fascism that they claim to hate-our language needs to change with it. It’s not enough that things like funny jokes and commentary about humans is no longer allowed, but we now also have to fight to protect the feelings of animals. In addition to the rampant racism and homophobia problem that America apparently has and these types of people won’t shut up about, turns out we also have a raging speciesism(?) problem. So how does one know when they’re being speciesist? Well have no fear, PETA is here with some examples of anti- animal hate speech. They even provided alternatives for how you can adapt your language to be more inclusive to animals, even though they don’t understand what you’re fucking saying in the first place

PETA shot and scored with this list. It seems like they can’t miss these days, and boy do I feel like a fool for going through my entire life using the phrases in the left column as opposed to the better, more inclusive phrases in the right one. I shouldn’t have been saying “Kill 2 birds with 1 stone” because a group of birds might overhear me and start fearing for their lives. What I really should be doing is assuming that birds love eating scones, and feeding these fictional birds with one. When experimenting with something in the future, I shall now say “Be the test tube” instead of “Be the guinea pig, even though that makes absolutely no sense because the entire point of the phrase is to compare yourself to the test subject (the guinea pig) and not the object used in the experiment (the test tube). This will be tough, but I must also eliminate “Beat a dead horse” from my vocabulary because I wouldn’t want to offend any dead horses should they hear me say it. From now on I will only say “Feed a fed horse”, even though that sounds like an eating disorder just waiting to happen. Bring home the bacon? I don’t fucking think so. I will only be bringing home the bagels from this point forward thank you very much, even though the only reason you should ever be bringing home the bagels is if you’re homeless and just raided the Dunkies dumpster after they threw the old ones away. And lastly, I will not be grabbing any bulls by the horns any time soon. Instead, you can catch me in the garden picking up flowers by the thorns. But wait, isn’t that phrase problematic in the sense that I’m killing flowers? I wouldn’t want to be vegetist, so hopefully PETA clears this up soon with another retarded tweet. And would you look at that: Just on schedule PETA closes this out with a mic drop

Through this final, thorough explanation, the blind can now see. I feel like a fool for never realizing that using a common expression with the name of an animal in it was equivalent to calling a black guy the N word or beating up gays. I had no fucking idea what ableist meant, but after a quick Google search it seems like ableism is when you make disabled people feel bad because you aren’t disabled. Wait, so I’m supposed to feel bad about the fact that I’m not disabled now? Should I cut my legs off and gouge my eyes out in solidarity with the crippled and blind? As you can tell, my sarcasm reserves are all tapped out at this point. I mean Jesus fucking Christ, did aliens release toxic gasses into our atmosphere that killed off everybody’s braincells? Sure seems like it. You wanna be against racism? Sure, that’s fine by me. Homophobia? More power to you. But now we’re supposed to stop using common expressions because they might offend animals? Says fucking who, PETA? Did you ask the animals? No you didn’t, because you were too busy jerking them off and euthanizing them at your “shelters”. By far the most ironic part of all this is that PETA is essentially watering down racism and homophobia issues by equating them to this nonsense, and instead of being able to be upset about it, these groups find themselves on the same side ideologically as PETA is. Pot, meet kettle

At this point I think PETA might be my favorite comedian, because it takes a special type of mind to come up with something as funny as this bullshit (Sorry for being offensive to bulls and their bowel movements). I think I speak for everybody when I say that most people love animals. When most people see a dog, their instinct is to pet it. When most people see a deer, their instinct is to say, “Hey look, a deer”. It’s pretty much the default setting for humans. Another default setting humans have is that whenever you see a PETA member protesting about mosquito genocide of whatever, your instinct should be to clock them in the face. Fuck PETA. There isn’t a correlation between liking animals and supporting PETA because the 2 are not even close to the same. Despite my disdain, I’ll admit that PETA is necessary. Not for saving animals or anything like that, but so I can eagerly await their next ridiculous movement sparked by their laughtrack of an organization. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go beat my meat. Is that offensive? Tough shit, I’m still gonna jerk the fuck off

PS- My middle school math teacher used to say, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat” whenever there was more than one way to solve a math problem. Never really thought about it much back then, but now I realize how fucking hilarious it is that she would casually say that in class to a bunch of 12 year olds.