Whether you know me in real life or just follow me on Twitter, you know I’m a big fan of conspiracy theories. The JFK assassination? CIA did it. Moon landing? Never happened, Stanley Kubrick filmed it in a Hollywood studio. Birds? Come on now, those are clearly government drones that constantly spy on us from above. Wake the fuck up everybody
Now, I’m sure you’re probably asking yourselves, “Chuck, we all know you’re a genius that is clearly right about everything you mentioned above, as always, but what does this have to do with the title?”. Well, I’ll tell you what it has to do with the title: For unknown reasons, Steve Jobs, the deceased founder of Apple, is conspiring against me from beyond the grave to try to get me fired from my job
I know that might sound crazy, but it’s a verified fact. To speed up your process of understanding, lets pretend we just entered The Matrix and I’m Morpheus, standing before you with colored pills in my hands like I’m trying to sell you ecstasy at a rave
For the sake of time, I’ll skip ahead and offer you only the red pill (which, if you’ve seen these fantastic movies, gives you the ability to see the world for what it really is)
Now that you’re essentially wearing the glasses from They Live (I am fucking nailing these sci-fi references right now), the rest of this blog and my theory should be easier to take in
It all started a few months ago. I was carrying on my streak of being a stellar employee; First one in, last one to leave type stuff. Then, disaster struck, and my alarm failed to go off one morning and I was nearly 2 hours late to work. I considered it a fluke, possibly even user error by me, but then it happened a few more times in the following weeks. It was happening so often at one point that I even tweeted about it
Now I’m sure the haters, of which there are many, will say things like “There’s definitely something wrong with your phone” or “You were probably just hungover and slept in”, but I’m afraid it’s much more complex and sinister than that. This isn’t a phone issue. This isn’t an “I’m an alcoholic” issue. This is, like I said in the title, Steve Jobs fucking with me from beyond the grave for his own sick amusement
Which begs the question: Why me? What did I ever do to Steve Jobs? To my knowledge, I never even met the guy, but apparently my mere presence on this Earth rubs him the wrong way. I want to get in touch with him so we can squash the beef, but, well, ya know. Looks like I only have one option for open communication
So there you have it: Steve Jobs is fucking with me from the afterlife by messing with my iPhone’s alarm clock, which has made me late for work multiple times and is putting me at risk of being fired. If these unwarranted attacks don’t stop soon, I’ll be forced to retaliate. Better watch your step there Stevie boy, or my ass is gonna buy an Android. How’s that for “thinking different”, you little bitch
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