Life: It’s pretty fucking boring, is it not? I don’t know how you guys feel about your current whereabouts, but I certainly know how I feel about mine. I took the few talents that I was blessed with for granted, proceeded to dangerously underachieve for years, and I’m paying the price for it. As a result, I am now blessed with going to work at a job that I hate, followed by a few hours of sleep, only to wake up and do it all over again. My “Sky is the limit” dreams of being a successful writer have been reduced to existing as just yet another replaceable cog in a corporate machine that keeps this society “functioning”, and, for the time being, I guess I’m okay with the current monotony of my life

To deal with the frustrating and painful realizations I described above, I have developed some genius coping mechanisms. Just to name a few, there are things like my regular abuse of drugs and alcohol, as well as constantly listening to and posting about music that nobody cares about, and gambling on sports with amounts of money that I quite literally can’t afford

As impressively fool proof as those other things I said in the last paragraph might seem, there does remain another outlet I have: Video games

I’ve been gaming since I was physically able to, and observing them since even before that. My dad, being the great man that he is, introduced me to things like DOOM, Duke Nuke Em, and Mist on the old desktop computer pretty much since the day I came out of my mom. Family tradition continued, and thanks to my brother and older cousins, I had Sega and N64 controllers in my hands before I could even walk. As a result, video games have always been a big part of my life

Video games have always been a big stress reliever for me, well before I even knew I needed them to be. Yeah, I know I bitch about them on Twitter sometimes, but that’s just a small part of the bigger picture; Nothing more than a tiny drop of frustration in a vast sea of virtual fun. They help me unwind from all of the other things that are going wrong in my real life, and I don’t care what anybody has to say about it, because to me, that’s a pretty awesome thing

So whether I just got home from a long day of bullshit at work or I’m just hungover as balls and bored, turning on my Xbox and booting up some random game brings a smile to my face, especially when other things in my life make me want to frown

But a few nights ago, it happened. I had a wicked stressful day at work, and had plans to play some NHL 23 with one of my loyal Twitter followers (Shoutout Lava), so I turned on my Xbox and booted up Chell, only to discover it wasn’t letting me sign in. The servers for this game suck, so I rebooted and I clicked on World of Chell again, and this time a message popped up saying My account had been temporarily disabled because I “violated the EA Rules”. I had never seen something like this. It said for more information, I should check my email, which I then did. From there, I was given this

Before I even get into how stupid this whole situation is, I should preface this with the fact that I’m 27 years old. Back in 2006, I was very luckily gifted with an Xbox 360 for Christmas by my aunts in the 6th grade. That was the heyday of online gaming, and the early Gears of War and COD lobbies basically sounded as if the KKK and Hitler’s SS was arguing over who could be the bigger racist retard over the mic. Was any of that “right”? No, of course not, but that’s life. Everybody was prepared to hear some terrible things because it was 2006, people weren’t the sensitive pussies like they are now, and you were playing, competitively, against complete strangers in an online game. Oh, you couldn’t handle that? Turn the game off. Better yet, I hope you cut your dick and balls off so you didn’t reproduce either

Anyway, back to my current case. Basically what happened is I got suspended for, and I quote “Inappropriate Content (General)” by EA Sports. I was confused. For starters, the only EA Game I play (NHL 23) does not have game chat, so it couldn’t be something I said. As I read further, it turned out my username is what violated the rules!

Anybody that knows me in real life or follows me on Twitter is probably thinking to themselves, “Well, there it is. Clearly this idiot had an INSANE name that got him banned”. To the haters, of which there are many, I say this: Fuck off. Because no. My name was not racist. My name was not sexist. My name was not bad in any regard. Wanna know what it was?

PippyLongCaullking

Nothing more . Nothing less.

Just a funny pun

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT CROSS THE LINE. I play against way more offensive names every day (all of which make me laugh). There isn’t a single person on this game that has a normal name. Whether it be racist or sexual, every single person on this game has an offensively funny name

It is INSANE that my name got me suspended, especially because the game itself has built-in software that tells you what you can and cannot use as a name. My name was fine. I’ve also been using this name since NHL 22 (Their last game), so how is it a problem now? Leads me to believe they’re just upset that I got around their software and made a funny name, but we’ll discuss that later (in front of a jury)

Which gets me to my point. I love playing Chell, to the point that I’m basically a prisoner to it. Prisoners have certain rights in this country, a main one being they cannot be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. Me, being the depressed alcoholic loser that I am, lives for Chell. By taking that away from me, I’m technically being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. Last time I checked, that’s illegal (by the rules I sorta just paraphrased and made up)

Do I have a case? I sure as fuck think so. I’ve sent emails to all of the best lawyers I could think of, such as: Robert Kardashian, Saul Goodman, Maurice Levy, Ron LaFlamme, John Gibbons, Jackie Chiles, Johnny Cochran’s dead body etc. The list goes on

With this possible litigation team behind me, I would be pretty nervous if I was EA Sports. You very clearly violated my rights as a prisoner of your game, not to mention how laggy and shitty your games are overall. I’ll give you 48 hours to respond before I pursue actual legal actual

Your move