I hinted at it in a tweet yesterday, but it simply doesn’t feel like The Super Bowl is today. For starters, it was 60 degrees in Boston yesterday, and full disclosure, my dick got hard when I looked out the window and all of the snow had melted. Regardless of the weather and my incorrect conceptual understanding of time and events, The Super Bowl IS today and The Bengals and Rams will kick off at 630 PM EST at SoFi Stadium in LA in what will probably be an awesome game

Super Bowl Sunday kicks ass for a number of reasons: Beer, nachos, getting shitfaced on a Sunday, just to name a few. But a big part of Super Bowl Sunday, for me, has always been prop bets. I don’t know what it is about betting on coin flips and the color of Gatorade that makes me feel so alive, but it just does. We all have our traditions, and losing a shitload of money on stupid prop bets every Super Bowl Sunday just happens to be mine

Enough chit chat. I’m about 10 beers deep right now, meaning my mind is in the perfect shape to make prop bets, so let’s get right into it

NATIONAL ANTHEM OVER 103.5 SECONDS (-150):

I don’t know what Vegas is thinking with this line, but it’s clearly going over. 103 seconds? I’ve taken drunk pisses longer than that. Not even sure who is singing The Anthem this year, but take your time and hold those notes sweetheart, because we’ve got money to win!

COIN FLIP: TAILS (-102)

I truly don’t think I’ve ever been this confident in a bet in my entire life as I am right now with this. Heads? Are you fucking kidding me? I crunched the numbers, AKA I flipped a quarter 10 times just now, and it was 7-3 Tails. Still not convinced? “Tails never fails”. Lock it in and thank me later

OPENING KICKOFF IS A TOUCHBACK (-130):

This line is moving faster than a crackhead on his way to score, most likely because smart people like me are taking advantage of an obvious mistake. I don’t look up stats for prop bets because I’m not a nerd, but the opening kickoff for The Super Bowl is ALWAYS a touchback. Those “Oh fuck, it’s The Super Bowl” jitters get to everybody, including the kicker, so the adrenaline is absolutely gonna lead whoever it is to kick the ball so far that I wouldn’t be surprised if it lands in the parking lot. After all, who the fuck wants to give the other team the opportunity to start the game with a kick return TD? Talk about a total morale killer. This shit is landing in the stands. Book it

FIRST SCORE FG OR SAFETY (+120):

I’m just gonna come out and say it: Fuck touchdowns. Most overrated thing there is since fake tits. If you don’t agree with that statement, congrats, you just admitted you’ve never grabbed fake tits. Real fans like me tune into games to see 2 things: Field goals and safeties. That’s what football is all about, especially with the former. The name of the sport is football, and you literally have to use your foot to score a field goal. Need I say more?

FIRST TD DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS (RAMS +2500, BENGALS +2800):

If you follow me on Twitter, you know my modus operandi by now. I ALWAYS bet the first TD of every primetime game to be defense/special teams because I believe in this thing called fun. Bets like these keep life interesting, and on the off chance that it hits, it feels like an IV drip of pure MDMA and heroin mixed together (Not that I’ve ever done illegal drugs before. Just speculating, of course). Obviously I’m rolling with this, especially at those insane odds. If this hits, I’ll unfortunately be unable to collect my winnings, because I’ll be laying on the floor dead from cumming too hard

TOTAL TDS UNDER 5.5 (-110):

Building off of the momentum of my last bet, gimme the Under on Total TDs. I think this game is gonna be similar to the Rams/Pats Super Bowl a few years back. Maybe a few explosive plays here and there, but I think we’re gonna see a lot of kicking. 5.5? Shit man, I would have taken Under 4.5

HALFTIME ARTIST THAT PERFORMS FIRST: EMINEM (+500)

“You gotta call me man, I’ll be the biggest fan you ever lose. PS: We should be together too”. Call me a Stan all you want, but Eminem is the greatest rapper of all time. And don’t even try to say I’m just some white dude that doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because I have an insane music palate, especially when it comes to rap/hip-hop. Realistically, I think Mary J Blige comes out with a slow song, but Em at +500? Take my fucking money

GATORADE SHOWER COLOR: YELLOW

The Haters, of which there are many, will try to tell you that blue is the right answer. Although I do agree that blue colored gatorades are clearly superior, this feels like a classic yellow Super Bowl. What do I mean by that? I have no fucking idea, and was sort of hoping one of you guys knew. I guess what I’m trying to say is that both The Rams and The Bengals seem like old school, yellow Gatorade drinking teams. It is gonna be yellow, just wait

WHO WILL THE SUPER BOWL MVP THANK FIRST? TEAMMATES (-130):

This one feels like a real gimme. Let’s be honest here: The winning QB is getting MVP. Unless Joe Mixon or Cooper Kupp scores 7 touchdowns, there is no way in fuck the winning team’s QB doesn’t win MVP. You have Matt Stafford (Good QB, Good Guy, Escaped an embarrassing franchise and now might win the trophy he deserves) Vs. Joe Burrow (2nd year QB coming off of an ACL injury, extremely likeable guy, I’m not gay but I would probably fuck him if it came down to it). Anyway, these guys are 100% thanking their teammates after the game. If they even think about thanking God first, I’ll throw hands. What, you think I can’t beat up God? Yikes. I’ll have whatever you’re smoking, because if push comes to shove, that pussy is gonna take a fist-induced nap

And that’s that folks. I might add more closer to game time, and you can find those picks on Twitter (https://twitter.com/BoozeBlogsChuck). Hope everybody has a great time watching the game today, because I know I will

PS: Go Bengals