Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I have some very exciting news. After 6 long months without NFL games that actually matter, the wait is over. The Gambling Gods have blessed us mere mortals with a Cowboys Vs. Buccaneers matchup in Tampa Bay tonight that will officially kick off the 2021-22 NFL season, and at the risk of using a hyperbolic analogy, I’m feeling hornier than a priest at a playground just thinking about it. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s some actual footage of what happened when my coworker, Veronica, asked me if I plan on watching the game tonight

Now look, we could sit here and talk about the sexual harassment talk I’m gonna get from HR tomorrow from that encounter with Veronica all day, but that isn’t why we’re here. We’re here for football, and more specifically, what picks I’ll be taking in Week 1. So let’s quit the small talk and get right into it

THURSDAY

Dallas Cowboys @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

COWBOYS +10 (-135)

SUNDAY

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills:

BILLS -6.5 (-120)

New York Jets @ Carolina Panthers:

PANTHERS -4.5 (-110)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans:

JAGUARS -2.5 (-145)

Arizona Cardinals @ Tennessee Titans:

TITANS -2.5 (-130)

Los Angeles Chargers @ Washington Football Team:

CHARGERS ML (-110)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons:

EAGLES +3.5 (-140)

Seattle Seahawks @ Indianapolis Colts:

SEAHAWKS -2.5 (-130)

Minnesota Vikings @ Cincinnati Bengals:

VIKINGS -2.5 (-145)

San Francisco 49ers @ Detroit Lions:

49ERS -9 (+110)

Cleveland Browns @ Kansas City Chiefs:

CHIEFS -6.5 (-112)

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots:

PATRIOTS -2.5 (-145)

Denver Broncos @ New York Giants:

BRONCOS -2.5 (-135)

Green Bay Packers @ New Orleans Saints:

SAINTS +4 (-110)

Chicago Bears @ Los Angeles Rams:

BEARS +9 (-125)

MONDAY

Baltimore Ravens @ Las Vegas Raiders:

RAIDERS +5

Week 1 is always a toss up, obviously, but this is especially true this year because, for lack of better words, this off-season was fucking crazy. I don’t know if there were more trades than usual or if my brain is just getting dumber and dumber with each passing year (both are very possible), but I couldn’t believe how different some teams look. My friends and I did an in-person fantasy draft this past Sunday, and it seemed like every round there was at least one player that made me say to myself, “I had no idea INSERT PLAYER is on INSERT TEAM now”. But regardless of the crazy off-season and my rapidly decreasing brain power, those are my picks and I’m sticking to em’.

Some people do, but I have no problem laying some juice like this, especially on the favorites because you can usually snag some pretty reasonable lines early on in the season. Granted they are obviously better than us and always stay 20 steps ahead, but keep in mind that Vegas is also trying to get a feel for the teams early on in the year, so if you ever have a chance at “outsmarting Vegas”, it’s gonna be right now. Just something to think about

Last but not least, let’s get to my Why Not Teaser for Week 1. If you’re new here, every week I pick a 4 team teaser and hammer it. Full disclosure, I honestly don’t think any of these won last year, but you’re crazy if you think that’s gonna stop me. Learning from past mistakes? That’s for fucking pussies. Anyway, my Week 1 teaser is as follows:

Bills PK

49ers -2

Chiefs PK

Saints +10.5

This 4 team teaser will double your money, so BOL if you’re tailing

And that’s that. Nothing to do now but sit back on the couch, crack open 1 or 10, and watch some good old fashioned football. Also, I finally stopped being lazy and set up an Action account that I’ll be tracking my bets on, so please feel free to give me a follow on there using the following link: https://myaction.app/chucktaylor1495

So whether you’re tailing or fading me this week, best of luck out there. Let’s just all appreciate the fact that football is back in our lives. Lastly, cue the music, because tonight’s da night!

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