The scientific boom over the past few decades has been nothing short of amazing, and due to the technological advances it has brought with it, I’ve been all for it (most of the time)

For years now, I’ve sat back and watched as scientists messed around with robots, artificial intelligence, and experimental vaccines, and I did nothing but shrug my shoulders

Well that nonchalant attitude toward scientific free reign ends today, because this time scientists have gone too far. I just saw a headline that made me realize that enough is enough. Man was not meant to play God, and I have to put my foot down somewhere. For those of you wondering why, here is the headline in question

Now I’m sure some of you are confused or think I’m overreacting, but I say this without any hyperbole: Alcoholic Mountain Dew will be the thing that ends humanity as we know it

I feel like the panicked scientist at the beginning of every disaster movie that sees what is to come, tries to sound the alarm and warn everybody, but nobody listens

I can speak from personal experience on this subject because my drink of choice as a kid was always Mountain Dew and mango rubinoff. Admittedly, it was fucking delicious, and there lies the problem. Mountain Dew is fantastic on its own, so combining it with alcohol is just asking for trouble. These seltzers have the potential to be so good that it will quickly become the only thing that people drink. Water? Why would you even bother drinking that nonsense when you can just get shitfaced from Mountain Dew all day? Exactly

So as you can see, the repercussions that the creation of alcoholic Mountain Dew will bring with it make the plot of Terminator look like a children’s movie. Pepsi and Samuel Adams are basically Cybernet on steroids for not only thinking of this idea, but actually following through with it and planning to release it to the world next year. The only thing I have to say to the higher-ups at both of these companies is this

My prediction is that within a few months of its initial launch, society will crumble and the earth will be nothing more than a dystopian wasteland. The Earth’s population will be dramatically reduced. There will be no government and no laws. Survivors will form small clans and fight eachother over the remaining resources the planet has to offer, and it will all be because of these things

Now, all that being said, I am 100% gonna drink these Mountain Dew seltzers when they come out. Sure, I’ve already mapped out that they’ll eventually wipe out mankind, but they also look wicked good. I’m a slut for seltzers, so as far as I’m concerned, 2022 can’t come fast enough!

PS: What’s up with every company coming out with their own seltzer now? I get the popularity, but for fucks sake, I feel like we’re only a week away from like Listorene coming out with their own line of seltzer mouthwash

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER:

@ BoozeBlogsChuck