On March 23rd, 1775, Founding Father Patrick Henry yelled out one of the most legendary American quotes of all time. While standing before The Second Virginia Convention and trying to draw up support to form a militia and fight the British, Henry ended his speech with a revolutionary mic drop (pun intended) by screaming out, “Give me liberty, or give me death!”
Now as cool as that moment in American history was, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. What does my title mean, and more specifically, what the hell does Patrick Henry have to do with French fries and my own mortality? I can’t promise it will make any sense, but let me try to explain how I ended up here
Basically, I came across a tweet the other day that pissed me off, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head ever since. Here is the tweet
Wait, so you’re telling me that the greasy food that comes out of a deep fryer isn’t good for you? Holy shit, what a revelation! Where would we be without the brilliant and brave scientists that found this out?
Because of this stupid tweet and “study”, I’ve decided to make a similar, albeit less important, proclamation to that of Patrick Henry: “Give me French fries, and give me death!”
These types of “studies” piss me off for a number of reasons, but I think the main one is, “Why?”. Why are they doing stupid studies like this in the first place? Shouldn’t all of the science nerds out there be working on curing diseases or figuring out cool stuff like how to time travel and shit instead of raining on everybody’s parade with diet advice? “Hey everybody, we know there are way more important and cool things we could be doing, but instead of doing that we just wanted to remind you that any food that tastes good isn’t healthy”. Gee, thanks for the update, you labcoat-wearing Buzz Killingtons
These scientists also conveniently leave out how awesome deep fried foods are, and how my lives have been saved by French fries and hash browns alone. Don’t believe me? Then explain why I nearly came in my pants earlier when I got Wendy’s and dipped my french fries in my chocolate frosty (veteran move). Or explain why when I’m recovering from my weekend bender every Sunday morning, I walk to the Dunkies near my house, get 3 orders of hash browns, and it magically brings me back to life. The funny thing about this example is that the hash browns at Dunkies actually suck ass and are so soggy you would think they’ve been submerged in a puddle behind the counter, but god dammit, do they get the job done
If you were to put me in a Sophie’s Choice-type situation where I was forced to pick between eating French fries and hash browns or living longer, I would pick French fries and hash browns 11 times out of 10. There wouldn’t even be a mental debate. I wouldn’t have to weigh the options, and I wouldn’t have to make a pros and cons list or anything like that. In all honestly, I’d probably answer with this before you even finished asking the question
I’m an American, and if eating fatty foods that aren’t good for me is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. If my affection for fried foods makes me drop dead from a heart attack at age 50, so be it. It’s a risk my taste buds and I are willing to take, and anybody that tries to tell other people what to eat or do with their lives can go play volleyball with a hornets nest for all I care
At the end of the day, it doesn’t get more American than eating so much delicious food that you eventually die early because of it. And in even more typical American fashion, I don’t give a fuck about your input on my dietary habits. So let me hear it one more time: Give me French fries, and give me death! USA! USA! USA!
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