Randy Johnson Kept A Bag Of Baseballs Near His Bed For Protection In Case Somebody Broke Into His House

I don’t know why I don’t already, but I really want to own a gun

It’s my right to do so as an American, I live in the city so there’s always crime around me, and I’ve already been the victim of a break-in at my apartment back in college (as well as another attempted break-in at the same apartment, but apparently the burglar always skipped leg day at the gym and gave up after realizing they were too weak to kick our back door in)

Now I wasn’t home for either of these break-ins, but I always think about what I would have done if I was. Had I been home alone and sleeping when these thieves broke in, what would my move have been? Would I have called the police? Would I have hid under my bed like a little bitch? Would I have hoped that I somehow know Kung fu despite never taking any lessons and then tried to attack them like Bruce Lee? I don’t know what I would have done, because without having it actually happen, it’s hard to really say how you’d react

However, one thing I do know is that hypotheticals like this really make me wish I owned a gun or 2. That way, if it came down to it, I would at least have the option of storming out of my bedroom like this and making those assholes wish they broke into someone else’s house

The thing that got me thinking about defending my home from robbers was a funny story I saw on SB Nation the other day. You can read the full story here, but all you really need to know is that Hall of Fame pitcher Randy Johnson didn’t own a gun to protect himself. Instead, he just kept a bag of baseballs next to his bed and was ready to throw them at any burglars that broke into his house

I never thought I’d be able to relate to Randy Johnson about anything, but turns out we have somewhat similar home defense techniques. You see, I sleep with a baseball bat next to my bed because I certainly have a better swing than a throw. If I ever tried throwing baseballs at intruders, I’d probably just end up missing and breaking my TV and a few windows, which would just add onto the cost of shit I’ll need to replace after the robbers were done stealing stuff from my house

So although throwing baseballs at home invaders wouldn’t work out well for me, I can certainly see why it would work for Randy Johnson. That guy threw HEAT, and getting hit by a 100 MPH fast ball from him sounds like a good way to need reconstructive surgery on your entire face

In fact, if I were a burglar that just broke into Randy Johnson’s house, I think I’d rather see him walk out with a gun than a bag of baseballs. I’m sure getting shot sucks, but having Randy Johnson start pelting you with fastballs from close range might be even worse. I mean for fucks sake, the guy made a bird explode

So even though breaking into Randy Johnson’s house in the hopes of stealing some memorabilia to sell on EBay might seem like a good idea at first, I bet those crooks would regret it pretty quickly once Randy grabs his weapons of choice and this happens to them. You’re fuckin’ out!

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