It’s Masters Week, and if you’re like me, you’re excited. Even though I suck at golf and wouldn’t consider myself a huge golf fan by any means, The Masters Tournament is always a good time. I put far too much money on it every year for somebody that has no idea what he’s talking about, and then I spend the weekend periodically checking my Draft Kings lineups and the status of whatever blind bets I made, convincing myself that this is the year I’ll finally get rich from The Masters Tournament

Even though the actual tournament hasn’t started yet, most of the players are already in Augusta and playing practice rounds. Jon Rahm hit an insane shot earlier during one of these practice rounds, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Here it is

Not only is this the most amazing golf shot I’ve ever seen, but it might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen period. I don’t understand how the ball can bounce across the water multiple times like that, but then again, I did get a D in physics in high school. Regardless of my grasp on the laws of physics, this still seems impossible to me. When something is impossible yet still happens, there is only one explanation: Magic. With that in mind, I’m afraid we have no choice but to arrest Jon Rahm and charge him with witchcraft

Maybe it’s my Massachusetts roots that are making me react this way, but I still think witchcraft is the only logical explanation for this shot. It’s amazing, a little bit too amazing if you ask me. No amount of talent or blind luck can result in something like this happening without the help of a supernatural force like magic, so the jig is up Jon. We all know your secret now, and I’m willing to bet that magic is on the PGA banned substances list, so you can kiss the tournament goodbye

For those of you out there that think my stance on this is too extreme, consider this. Sure today Rahm is only using his magic powers to manipulate golf balls and make incredible shots, but what about tomorrow? And the next day? We can’t allow somebody with mystical abilities like this to roam freely in our society. It’s simply too dangerous, and before you know it, he’ll be turning everybody people into newts

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t feel like spending the rest of my life as the Geico Gecko minus the money and fame, so let’s arrest Jon Rahm now before it’s too late!

As for what to do with him once he’s in custody, I was thinking we could turn him into some sort of traveling magician that goes from town to town and performs magic. Better yet, let’s have him use his magical powers to end Covid once and for all, because I’m getting really sick of the inside of my house. If he cures Covid, he can go back to his life as a pro golfer. That seems pretty fair to me. Case dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters

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