An Uber Eats Driver Broke Into My House On Sunday Night

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know Saturday night was a disaster. Game 4 of The World Series ended in extremely dramatic fashion, as The Dodgers made 2 costly errors on a bloop hit in the bottom of the 9th that resulted in The Rays winning the game

Seeing as I was heavy on The Dodgers, having bet both the ML straight up and I also had 2 parlays that included Dodgers ML, I didn’t take the loss well. Once the initial disbelief from what I just watched had worn off, and I realized how much money those errors had just cost me, I strongly considered doing the sensible thing by wrapping my lips around a shotgun barrel and blowing my brains out

Thankfully, I was able to overcome the suicidal thoughts that briefly inhabited my brain, but I was still pissed off. I knew there was no chance I’d be able to sleep after that bullshit, but I knew of one sleep aid that never fails, so I drank the remaining beers in my fridge and watched random standup up comedy clips on YouTube until 4 AM

When I woke up on my couch around noon, I knew I was in trouble. I had all the classic symptoms of a hangover, and based on their severity, I knew it wasn’t going away any time soon. Thankfully it was Sunday, so all I had on my schedule was remaining on the couch and watching football for 10 hours straight, so I did just that

Right around 7 o’clock or so, I started to get my appetite back again. I don’t know how people can eat when they’re hungover, but I can’t do it. My stomach is always in shambles, so I usually just eat small stuff throughout the day and then binge my ass off at night when I feel a little better

After scanning through multiple digitized menus on Uber Eats, I decided to get some food from a place a few blocks away from me. While we’re on the subject, Uber Eats is so unnecessary and so expensive, but I absolutely love it. Between the tip, taxes, and bullshit services fees that they add on, you basically have to sell a kidney in order to afford a sub, but who cares. I’ll gladly hit that order button and knowingly get fleeced every weekend as long as it’s convenient, and that’s all I have to say about that

I think a big reason why I like Uber Eats so much is because they have a huge selection and are usually pretty quick, but not this time around. I ordered it just before 7 oclock, and by 8:15 I was getting antsy, like a crackhead that was waiting for his dealer to show up. I kept checking the app for an update, but every time I did, I was met with the same ambiguous message that said my order “may” arrive soon, leaving me with more questions than answers

At this point, it was taking so long that I started to think my calzone and mozzarella sticks were being flown in from Italy or something. I had hit the “request update” button 3 times already, and I couldn’t risk hitting it again because that’s just asking for them to spit in my food, so I continued waiting

By now, so many minutes and rips from my dab pen had gone by since I first ordered my food that I sort of forgot about it. But then, it happened. There I was, lounged on my couch watching the Seahawks/Cardinals game, when all of the sudden I looked over and there was some guy standing in my living room watching it with me. This is basically how I reacted

I don’t know how I didn’t hear him come in, which concerns me a bit because if he was there to kill me, I would have been toast. I did a quick ocular pat down on the guy to make sure he didn’t have any weapons, but that’s when I noticed he was holding my food. Disaster averted, and I breathed out a huge sigh of relief

He put my food down on the coffee table, watched the end of the next play, and then casually said, “Alright, have a good one!” and left. No, “Oh by the way, sorry for walking into your house completely unannounced and scaring the shit out of you”. Nothing like that. He just put the food down and left like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. It’s just such a mind-blowing move for a food delivery person to make, but once I calmed down a little and had some time we to reflect on how funny it was, I had to let my followers know

If scaring the shit out of me was part of this guy’s plan, he definitely succeeded. Even now, 48 hours later, I can’t get over how crazy it is that he walked right into my house like that to bring me my food

The fact that he was so casual about all of this is the best part to me, because that means he must do this all the time. Screw ringing the door bell or calling and letting the person know he’s outside with their food. He plays by his own rules, which may or may not break the law, but he doesn’t care. This guy has a job to do, and he’ll stop at nothing to bring food directly to people, no matter how unorthodox his methods may be

But it’s all fun and games until he delivers to the wrong person’s house, walks in without knocking, and ends up getting shot because they think he’s an armed burglar and not just an Uber Eats driver with a takeout order from PF Changs

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@ BoozeBlogsChuck

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