I don’t know how, but I’ve never been caught masturbating before. Given the sheer number of times I’ve done it, you would think that at some point a parent or roommate would have walked in on me going to town on myself by now, but thankfully, it has never happened

The closest I’ve ever been to getting caught doing the deed was during my freshman year of college. I lived in a forced triple, meaning it was actually just a regular double-room that they stuck 3 of us in against our will, and it sucked. To make matters worse, one of my roommates very rarely left the room, and this made getting some alone time almost impossible. Whenever a rare occasion where both of them were gone presented itself, I knew I had to act fast if I wanted to rub one out. My speed and execution when it came to jerking off that year was similar to that of a Nascar pit crew. It didn’t have to be perfect, it just had to get the job done. So even though I was constantly performing under pressure and racing against the clock of my roommates being gone for an unknown period of time, I still managed to somehow never get caught

Which brings us to the point of this blog. I’m not just writing this to brag about the fact I’ve never been caught jerking off before, although I wouldn’t put it past me. The reason why I’m blogging about getting caught masturbating is because of a pretty funny story out of Louisiana that I just came across. You can read the full story here, but all you really need to know is that a guy got caught jerking off in his parked car on LSU’s campus, and when police asked him what he was doing, he told them he was just playing the air drums

Now before I get into the story, let’s take a look at the alleged perpetrator

I know they say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but come on. Before I even opened the news article, I knew exactly what this guy was gonna look like. If he isn’t already, this guy should be the spokesperson for public indecency. I bet he doesn’t even jerk off in public for enjoyment at this point. Instead, he does it because it’s in his DNA, it’s just part of who he is. Some people were born to play sports or become astronauts, but this guy was born to jerk off in public places

Moving on, and like I said before, I’ve never been caught mid-sesh so I can’t really speak from experience here. However, I do understand and admire the route this guy decided to go with once he got busted (no pun intended). Nobody wants to admit they just got caught fondling themselves in their car without at least putting up a fight, so that’s why you need to have an excuse ready to go. The problem with his air drum excuse is that it needs a lot work. Let me explain

When the cops first rolled up, I’m guessing this is what the scene looked like

I’ve heard of beat cops before, but this is ridiculous. I think it was pretty obvious right off the bat what was going on. This guy was clearly sitting in his car putting on a one-man concert, but the question is was he performing this show on the air drums like he said or was he using a different instrument located between his legs? Lets say that he really was just rocking out in his car and decided he needed to kick it up a notch and really nail the drum solo. I’d say it’s pretty universally known that you play the drums with 2 hands, so unless he was doing some sort of tribute to Def Leppard’s Rick Allen by playing one-handed and only hitting one drum located in his lap with a series of repeating thrusting motions, I think it’s pretty obvious he was just jerking it. Those cops didn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that out, and if it didn’t work on them, I doubt it would ever work on a judge

So even though I love this excuse and have no choice but to tip my cap to this guy for using this hilarious explanation, I’m sad to say that I don’t think it’s gonna work. If I was able to poke holes in his story, then I’d say any prosecutor can too. I’m also willing to bet that somebody who spends their spare time jerking off in parking lots probably doesn’t have a Johnny Cochran-esque lawyer on stand-by retainer to defend him in court, so he’ll likely get stuck with a public defender similar to Charlie Kelly’s uncle. Once he finds out the case is about masturbating, he’ll be so in his own head thinking about his small hands that he won’t be able to deliberate properly. Just as quickly as it started, this will be the scene in the court room as the defendant is being hauled off to jail, but at least his hands look great

And last but not least, no blog about getting caught jerking off would be complete without this Trailer Park Boys clip. Something about J-Roc standing up like that is just so fucking funny, and “I was getting changed” is an all time line that I’m gonna put in my back pocket for future use if I ever got caught doing the same

PS: When I was looking up GIFs of air drumming for this blog, I came across this one. I can’t describe why, but something about the way Mr. Bean is playing the air drums here gives me “jerking off in the car” vibes. If this is how the guy in the story above was doing it, then maybe he does stand a chance in court

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