We are a little over halfway through 2020, and just like the chorus of the classic Bob Dylan song says, “The times they are a changin'”
Sparked by the death of George Floyd and a massive resurgence of the BLM movement, it seems like a cultural revolution is here with no real signs of slowing down any time soon. As a result of this, there’s been a lot of cancelling going on recently—mostly driven by social media. Disney rides are being changed, episodes from old TV shows are being pulled from streaming services, and once again, the name of Washington DC’s NFL team came under fire for the millionth time.
The controversy surrounding the name of The Washington Redskins has been going on for years now, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised when the issue popped back up again. I think the Redskins debate is very similar to elections in The United States because it happens every few years, it divides everybody into 2 sides, we all argue until our faces turn blue, but then nothing changes and we all go back to normal.
As for my position on if the name should have been changed or not, I don’t really give a shit. I’m not a Redskins fan so it doesn’t affect me, and honestly, I’m surprised it even lasted this long. Other team names that involve Native Americans are at least more subtle, like The Indians or The Chiefs, but The Redskins? It’s a little bit on the nose, and in today’s progressive climate, it was only a matter of time before it got changed.
I think one of the main things that made this year’s Redskins outrage different than in years past was money. Plain and simple. Many of the team’s sponsors began pressuring the team to change the name, with 2 of the bigger names being Fedex and Nike. The Redskins play at FedEx Field, so it’s pretty self-explanatory why their opinion mattered. As for Nike, they pulled all Redskins apparel from their online store and made a public statement against the team. Money talks, so just like that, Snyder caved and agreed to change the name. On a sort of related note, I do find it funny that Nike always tries to pretend like they’re some sort of holy beacon of morality when it comes to social justice issues, even though a large part of why they’re so profitable is because they exploit poor countries. I guess in Nike’s eyes the name Redskins is inexcusable, but having Chinese kids make their shoes in a sweatshop for 30 cents a day is perfectly fine. I could say more, but that’s a story for another day. I’ll just leave you with this suggestion for what Nike’s motto should be: Slave Labor: Just Do It (Or Else)
Anyway, with the official announcement made that The Redskins name is a thing of the past, they now find themselves in the market for a new name. OddsShark posted a list of the current betting favorites for what the new name will be, and to put it simply, they’re all fucking terrible.
Calling this a bad list would be giving it too much credit. I mean for fucks sake, 3 of the options are just the last names of former US presidents. Apparently Snyder and company agreed that these names are trash, because they announced that they will be calling the team The Washington Football Team for the upcoming season. It’s temporary until they can find a new name, but it would kind of be hilarious if this name stuck. At the very least, I’d have to buy a shirt to commemorate such a ridiculously lame team.
Even with The Washington Football Team name temporarily in place for the upcoming season, they still need a permanent one. Being the generous guy that I am, I’ve decided to help them out a little bit. Similar to what I did in another blog about Seattle’s new hockey team, I’ve decided to offer up a few good name suggestions free of charge (Disclaimer: Not actually free. If any of my name’s get used, I automatically own 25% of the team)
IDEA 1: The Washington Bullets
If this name sounds familiar to you, that’s because it was real team at one time. It used to be name of Washington DC’s basketball team, until they (I assume) read Harry Potter and made the stupid decision of becoming The Wizards instead. The old Bullets jerseys were sick, so I can only imagine how cool they could make the design and color scheme look on football uniforms. This suggestion is one of my more serious ones because it would be badass to bring this name back to DC sports. Just imagine this design on a football jersey with matching helmets and pants? Case closed on why this name and its complimentary uniforms would kick ass
IDEA 2: The Washington Corruption
A lot of pro sports teams choose their name based around some type of distinguishable feature of the area that they play in. For example, Boston’s basketball team is The Celtics because we have a large Irish population. That’s why I think it would make perfect sense for The Redskins to fully embrace Washington DC and all of the shady politics that come with it in the new name. Washington DC has, per capita, the largest collection of useless and corrupt people to ever hold elected positions in the world, and it’s been this way forever. The Washington Corruption just has a ring to it that I can’t quite describe, both for athletic purposes and literally. I was going to try to make my own logo for this idea to really drive the point home, but then I realized I don’t have a good program to do that or any talent, so for now, here’s this stock image that can act as my “work in progress” logo for DC’s next big team: The Washington Corruption
IDEA 3: The Washington Foreskins
Everybody likes to laugh. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be reading my blogs, now would they? (Just kidding, 5 people read my blogs on a good day). The Redskins are already the laughing stock of the league, so why not at least capitalize on it by changing your name to something funny and selling a shitload of merchandise? Similar to what The South Carolina Gamecocks did by selling shirts and hats with Cocks in giant letters, Washington could do the same thing with Foreskins. Fans could wear hats that look like, you guessed it, foreskins! The mascot could be a giant uncircumsized dick named Skinny or whatever, and he runs around with a jersey on and does funny dances. Truth be told I even went on Google to try to see if I could find a funny animated logo for this potential team. Safe to say I didn’t think it through before hitting search, and I ended up getting hit in the face with a collage of uncircumsized dick pics instead. Note to self: Never Google “foreskins” ever again for any reason
IDEA 4: The Washington (Former) Redskins
With people on both sides of this issue being as worked up as they are, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try to meet both sides halfway in the choosing of the new name. That’s why I think this name, The Washington (Former) Redskins, would be the most pragmatic solution. By adding (Former) into the name, the team is technically no longer called The Redskins. This would appease the Change It crowd, while also leaving Redskins in there for the Keep It crowd. Fans could also alter the team merchandise they already own by writing “(Former)” with a magic marker, and you could do the same thing to fix the logos and uniforms. From a financial perspective this isn’t a bad option, but it doesn’t really solve anything and is actually very stupid the more I think about it.
IDEA 5: The Washington Nothings
Whatever new name gets picked is destined to be scrutinized heavily from all directions. Those that adamantly wanted it to be changed will complain that it took so long or that isn’t inclusive enough or whatever, and the fans that wanted it to stay the same will be mad that it isn’t The Redskins anymore. By simply making the new team name Nothing, nobody can complain about it being offensive anymore (hopefully). If anybody does complain about this name, just remind them that they’re literally complaining about nothing. As for a team logo, they don’t have a logo; It’s just a blank space. For their uniforms, I was thinking all grey with no designs or lettering on them. Just sort of beige sweatsuits. Essentially, I want them to look like a sports team from a dystopian novel. Boring? Yes. Offensive? No (Although who knows these days)
IDEA 6: Keep The Name Redskins, But Have The Logo Be A Redskin Potato
Apparently I’m not the only one throwing name ideas out there, as Twitter is filled with people like me pitching their ideas of what the new name should be. I saw this guy’s tweet and I love where Chris’ head is at. This idea makes it so the Redskins name doesn’t have to change, while also getting rid of the offensive connotation. The mascot could be a giant potato named Spud or Tater, and the stadium could serve a variety of delicious potato-based products ranging from potato chips to stuffed potato skins. It’s a win-win situation all around. Admittedly the name doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for the area, seeing as I don’t think Washington DC is famous for its potatoes, so you might have to move the team to Idaho for this idea to really flourish.
IDEA 7: The Washington Possums
This was one of the popular jokes I saw being made on Twitter and Facebook, so I felt like I had to include it. The joke is that they should change their name to The possums because they play dead at home, and they get killed on the road *Ba dum tsss*. Sort of a dad joke, but creative enough that it was worthy of inclusion in this blog. In all seriousness though, this brings up a good point. The Redskins are a terrible team and have been for a long time, so if you’re Dan Snyder, why not just change the name because of that? There is no Redskins legacy to protect here, and if anything maybe a new name will turn your team’s luck around or something. That being said, if you’re going with an animal name you should at least pick something intimidating, like a tiger or bear, and not a marsupial that eats trash and is such a pussy that it literally plays dead when confronted with danger.
So there you have it folks. Just a few spitball ideas of what I think the new name of Washington DC’s football team should be. Although I like all of my ideas, I would probably go with Bullets if I had to choose realistically. Like I said the name and uniforms would be sick, but there is a part of me that wants them to go with Foreskins and so they can have uncircumcized dick decals on their helmets instead. I just hope Dan Snyder does the right thing and uses one of the names I’ve listed here, unlike those selfish fucks in Seattle who rudely didn’t use any of my suggestions from that blog and announced that the new team would be called The Seattle Kraken a few days ago. Their loss, because we all know Seattle Grunge is a way better name or more representative of Seattle than some sea monster with tentacles.