We have now entered into the 5th month of what I’m sure history books in the future will refer to as The COVID-19 Era, or something like that. If you’re like me and you can’t believe that it’s been 5 months already, that’s because, as I mentioned in my Burger King blog from last week, time doesn’t exist anymore
A little more recently than the beginning of this whole Coronavirus saga was Mid April-Early May, when the US government began sending out the first of their relief checks. Small businesses got some money, and every citizen was supposed to get $1,200, emphasis on supposed to.
Anytime the government starts giving out money, supplies or whatever it is to large amounts of people, you just know something will go wrong. For example, there was that guy in Indiana who was accidentally given over 8 million dollars instead of his $1,200 stimulus check, which I blogged about here.
As crazy as that story was, it still wasn’t the most ridiculous thing involving these stimulus checks to happen. It turns out our government decided to be a little extra generous when sending the money out, so much so that it didn’t even matter if you were living or dead. That’s right: The US Government gave over 1.4 BILLION dollars worth of stimulus checks to dead people.
You can read more about it here, but all you really need to know is that The IRS, while hastily trying to get stimulus checks out to the public, accidentally sent checks to about 1.1 million people that are dead. When you add up those checks, it is around 1.4 billion dollars.
I wish I could say I was surprised or angry about this, but this is so on brand for The US government that it just makes me laugh. I mean seriously, what the fuck guys? I know we’re in unprecedented times when it comes to this virus, but the fact that nobody even bothered to check if people were still alive before sending them a check is so stupid that it’s awesome, no other way of putting it. Wasting tax money is as American as baseball and apple pie.
Being the glass half full kind of guy that I am, here’s a positive hypothetical spin I was able to put on this whole thing: If a zombie apocalypse ever breaks out, these checks just bought us some time. When the zombies crawl out of their graves and realize they have a $1,200 check with their name on it just waiting for them, they’ll all head to the bank to deposit their checks first before focusing on eating us. Say what you want about the government fucking up with these checks, but don’t deny that this could eventually save our asses when the zombies come.
On a more serious note than zombies waiting in line at the bank, stories like this reinforce why I’ll never understand people that want more government involvement and power in our lives. It seems like every program or institution that the government has sole leadership of is always riddled with problems and corruption, to the point that people barely bat an eye at them sending over a billion dollars to dead people. The most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help”. There have been some great horror writers throughout history, but nothing will ever be more frightening than those 9 words.
Really quickly while we’re on the topic of government incompetence, a big thing that’s getting pushed right now is mail-in voting for the 2020 election. It often gets written off as a right-wing conspiracy theory, but do people actually think our government can handle millions upon millions of ballots without the possibility of something going wrong (such as ballots “going missing” or some other type of fraud)? The government has already shown that they can’t even bother to make sure people are alive before sending them checks, so what’s there to stop people from voting using dead people’s names with mail-in ballots? And don’t even get me started about the fact you don’t have to show an ID to vote in person. It’s all a joke to our democracy, but it isn’t funny. Rant over, now back to the topic at hand.
My $1,200 check went as quickly as it came, so if the government wants to help me out with another check, I wouldn’t object. Unfortunately for me it seems that the only way that I can get another check from them is to die, and although it is tempting, I guess I’ll stay alive for now. The whole thing just seems a little unfair to me that dead people are getting all the breaks, and as much as I love my dead grandparents, I think we would all agree that I could use the money a little more than they could these days. Sorry guys, but show me the money!
PS: Instead of letting that 1.4 billion go to waste by just giving it back to the government or whatever, they should set up a lottery with it that every citizen is entered into. Every night, they draw a random name and that person wins money. It would go on for a long time and it would be something that the whole country could look forward to every night. It’s a damn shame that I have all of these great ideas but no way of putting them into action