From the second that Covid-19 became an identified public health crisis, we knew that certain changes would be made to our ways of life. Some of these changes happened immediately and are for present usage only (hopefully), such as wearing a mask in the grocery store or not being allowed to drink at bars. But other Covid-related changes involve future, long-term decisions that could last after Covid is “over”, such as a possible end to buffets, and who the hell knows what schools and sporting events will look like this fall and beyond.

Although there’s no shortage of things I’ve disagreed with when it comes to how Corona was handled, one recent announcement made by 2 prominent American airline companies has lead me to start an immediate boycott of them. Both Delta and American Airlines announced that they will no longer be serving alcohol on flights for the indefinite future, and I would just like them to know that I hope they enjoy their inevitable bankruptcy.

Now before I get going here, I should let it be known that I hate flying. Always have, and always will. I don’t hate flying because of a fear of heights or crashing or anything like that, I just hate the entire process of flying. I hate the long security lines that greet you immediately after checking in. I hate getting molested by some overweight TSA agent at the end of these aforementioned security lines because apparently I look like a terrorist and always seem to get picked for an extra search. I hate waiting around at my gate for hours with nothing to do but eat overpriced food and fight with strangers over the few available outlets to charge my phone. And then you finally get on the plane and your actual journey begins, meaning you now have to sit in a cramped seat for a few hours. As somebody that hates feeling confined to a seat without the option to get up and walk around at will, this sucks. People have told me I should just try to sleep instead, but I’d have better luck sleeping on a bed of nails than on an airplane.

Now that I’ve aired out a few of my grievances with flying, I will admit that some airlines have made accommodations to make flying better. For example, Jet Blue has TV’s and free WiFi because it’s the best airline there is. Another great airline I had the pleasure of flying on during my trip to Europe in the fall was Lufthansa, where they gave out free snacks and alcoholic drinks for the entire flight. The flight was about 9 hours long, and I think I ate about 1,000 pretzels and drank 15 rum and cokes by the time the plane’s wheels touched back down in Germany.

Being able to throw back a few drinks while you’re 30,000 feet in the air is a key part of what makes airports and planes somewhat tolerable, so that’s why this decision by American Airlines and Delta to stop serving booze is so crazy to me. Both airlines cited Covid-19 safety as a large part of why they made this decision, but that’s a bigger cop out than giving somebody the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. These companies said that this alcohol ban is just a temporary thing until the pandemic is over, but when the hell will that be? I’ll occasionally turn on the news, and it sounds like this is never going to end. I feel like that Dr. Fauci guy is just days away from getting up behind the podium and pretty much saying we’ll be wearing masks for the rest of our lives, and possibly even after we die in an attempt to stop the spread of the virus to the person in the grave next to us. Plus if Coronavirus and its subsequent lockdowns have showed us anything it’s that alcohol is an essential item, so stop depriving people of alcohol’s necessary relief while on a plane. Would you allow a plane to take-off without engines or wings? Oh, you wouldn’t? Well I, an idiot, would argue that alcohol plays just as important of a role when it comes to having a successful flight than those plane parts do. 

Could you imagine you and your friends being on a 6 hour Flight to Cancun or Vegas, and you can’t even drink a few drinks on the way there? Fuck that. If this is the direction air travel is heading in, I might have to take a page out of John Madden’s playbook by refusing to fly and taking a bus everywhere. Better yet, I’d rather go to my parent’s house, get my old Razor scooter from the garage, and ride to California on that shit rather than sit on a six hour plane ride where I can’t even order a beer. If no alcohol on planes is the “new normal” that Fauci and the other doctors have been talking about, I want no part of it. 

Now I know some of you are probably think I’m making something out of nothing with this, and you’re partly right. It’s Friday, I’ve decided I’m done with work for the day, I’m  bored, and I felt like writing a blog. That being said, it still doesn’t diminish any of the statements I’ve made. Flying sucks, and you should be able to at least get a buzz on while you’re taking part in its torture. If having that opinion makes me crazy, well then consider me the most sane person at the asylum. 

As for the bankruptcy thing, that obviously won’t happen even though they deserve it for making a move like this. No boycott orchestrated by me and any other boozebags that feel as equally strong about drinking on planes will stop billion dollar airline companies like these, and even if it did, us taxpayers would just bail them out again. Remember that? It’s happened multiple times now because rather than let the market regulate itself, let’s just keep throwing money to these greedy companies that make terrible business decisions over and over again. That’s just another reason to need a stiff $15 rum and coke the next time I find myself on a plane, but you can bet your ass it won’t be on a Delta or American Airlines flight.