(I wrote this yesterday but forgot to hit publish apparently. My stupidity knows no bounds)
Today has been the most Monday-feeling Tuesday of all time. The 3 day bender that I, and plenty of my fellow Americans, engaged in this past Memorial Day Weekend was a much needed break from the Coronavirus hysteria that has been dominating our lives recently, but now that it’s over, I wouldn’t mind one bit if either Covid-19 or this hangover put me out of my misery and just fucking killed me.
My boss is in for a rude awakening if they decide to check how much work I got done today, because I think I somehow managed to get less than nothing done. Instead I’ve been spending the day cycling back and forth between Twitter and Reddit, and while I was looking at the latter earlier, I came across a headline that made me do a double-take. The headline is about a pretty wild story out of Argentina, where a pet parrot is set to take the stand as a witness in the rape and murder trial of it’s owner.
This headline jumped out at me not only because the thought of a bird sitting at the witness stand in a court room is hilarious, but also because I’ve thought about a similar scenario before. This girl I used to sell weed to a few years back had a pet parrot, and interacting with that thing while baked was always funny. The fact that parrots can talk has always blown my mind, and when you add in how high I was while hanging out at her apartment, actually seeing and hearing a bird talk right in front of me was nothing short of spellbinding.
The way that these memories of mine relate to the Argentina story is because one of the many high thoughts I had while watching her parrot talk was this: What if this bird overheard me tell a secret and then it told everybody? Like if it overhead me say, “I heard Brad is cheating on Jessica”, and then one time Jessica came over to the apartment and the bird just kept repeating “SQUAWK, Brad’s cheating on Jessica! Brad’s cheating on Jessica!”. It might sound far-fetched, but if you’ve ever been around a parrot, then you know that they really can do shit like that.
Which brings me back to this story from Argentina. Essentially, the prosecution in this case is about to use my high thought about parrots and secrets in a court of law by putting this colorful bird on the stand as a witness. The main reason why they’re doing this is because a cop that was guarding the crime scene noticed that the parrot kept saying, “Ay, no, por favour, soltame!”, which translates to “No! Please, let me go!”. Prosecutors believe that these were the victim’s last words, and they feel that the fact that this parrot keeps saying these phrases over and over proves that they were a witness to whatever struggled happened that night.
The possibility of this talking bird testifying in a murder trial brings with it so many many laughs and also so many questions. Will they have to cross examine this parrot to make sure he’s keeping his story straight? I know they do it to human witnesses, but getting a good read on a parrot sounds more challenging. They can’t use the telltale signs that humans have when they’re lying, such as avoiding eye contact or sweating, so they’ll have to figure out the parrot versions to make sure they’re a credible witness. As long as the bird doesn’t nervously flap its wings or shit everywhere, maybe that means they’re telling the truth.
If they do decide that this parrot is a credible witness, will it have to put its feather on a Bible and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? It only seems right if you ask me. Otherwise, you’ve just opened the floodgates to allow all birds to commit perjury on the witness stand. I know jury duty sucks, but the possible theatrics that this bird’s testimony might bring to this case sounds like it could make it worthwhile.
From a win or lose standpoint, I would be licking my chops if I was the defense attorney right now. Getting your client to walk free on a rape and murder charge is no easy task, but it seems to me like they already have the prosecution on the ropes in this case. If the prosecution is willing to throw a Hail Mary like this and literally put a bird on the stand as their lead witness, that must mean they have no evidence whatsoever to work with here. And as funny as I find it, I really don’t see how this bird helps the prosecution at all. Obviously there was some kind of a struggle, seeing as the victim got raped and murdered, but if the parrot can’t identify who did it, then how does this help them draw any conclusions? Sorry to be a Negative Nancy here, but unless the bird points it’s wing at the suspect and says, “Yeah, they did it”, I don’t know if the testimony of a squawking bird is going to be enough to convict anybody.
Despite voicing some of my logical doubts in the last paragraph, I hope this strategy does work because that would be amazing. This sounds like something that would happen on an episode of Looney Toons, and if successful, and despite the gruesome crime committed, this has to be one of the funniest court cases of all time. Could you imagine committing a crime, thinking that you covered your tracks perfectly and got away with it, only to end up getting thrown in prison because of the testimony of a bird? Talk about bad luck.
I’m sure this parrot’s owner is looking down on all of this from Heaven, both proud and confused by the fact that their pet bird is one of the leading witnesses in this case. If I ever get murdered, I hope somebody besides a bird is there to see it, but I guess you can’t be greedy when it comes to stuff like that. Godspeed Polly. Put this piece of shit behind bars by doing your civic duty and telling the courtroom everything you know. And if you do, I’m sure somebody will finally give you that cracker you’ve repeatedly been asking for (Or a drink of you’re cool and want to avoid parrot stereotypes)
PS- So after some Googling I found out that this has happened before and it worked. A Michigan woman was convicted of her husband’s murder when the parrot repeated the victim’s last words: “Don’t shoot”. FYI to all murderers out there: If you kill somebody and they have a pet parrot, make sure you kill the parrot too