On Monday night Boston’s Mayor, Marty Walsh, announced that the annual St Patrick’s Day Parade in Southie has been cancelled because of the Coronavirus. This unexpected news sent shockwaves throughout The Commonwealth, and immediately led to massive amounts of opposition to this decision. I mean, where the hell are highschoolers from the North and South Shore supposed to meet up and drunkenly fight eachother now that the parade isn’t happening? But on a more serious note, I strongly disagree with this decision for a few reasons.

For starters, I have a sentimental reasons to be opposed to the cancellation. I’ve been going to this parade since I was a little kid, and I’ve been engaging in it’s drunken debauchery since I was about 14. There’s just something special and indescribable about wearing green and getting shitfaced in Southie with a bunch of other Irish massholes on a Sunday morning. Getting hammered during the day is amazing, and as the kids would say, it hits different on St. Patrick’s Day weekend. That’s what makes this news so hard to swallow. It feels like a fun, lifelong tradition has been pulled out from underneath us in an instant without having any say on the matter, and I’m sure plenty of other people feel the same way.

Secondly, what is the rationale of cancelling this parade exactly? I know that they think it’s to somehow stop the spread of the Coronavirus, but that’s moronic. People are still going to leave their houses and interact with eachother elsewhere anyway, so this belief that cancelling fun events like the parade will magically make everybody quarantine themselves at home is ridiculous. I’m not sure if they’re aware of this, but people are still going to drink their faces off on Sunday in Boston. Except now instead of congregating outside and drinking in the fresh air while the parade passes by they’ll all be packed like sardines into crowded bars with shitty ventilation systems, and then they’ll proceed to spend the day drunkenly yelling directly into eachother’s faces at close proximity. Congratulations idiots, you’ve actually sped up and assisted the potential spread of this virus by cancelling the parade and pushing all of the drunks indoors.

Lastly, we all know the real reason why that pussy Marty Walsh cancelled the parade. Both he and Charlie Baker have hated The St. Patrick’s Day Parade for years now, and this Coronavirus hysteria provided them with the perfect excuse to cancel it. Nice try with the public safety angle fellas, but you’re not fooling me.

Now being that I’m the fair, open minded, and brilliant individual that I’m sure you’ve all come to love and admire over the years, I’ve tried my hardest to sympathize with and understand the other side of the argument here. I understand that people are scared because the media has convinced them that this is Doomsday. I get that many people somehow think cutting off all social interactions and quarantining themselves inside for the foreseeable future is a rational response to something that is nothing more than a new type of flu. But the reality is that making the world come to stand still because of some new illness is ridiculous. The vast majority of people that get Coronavirus will survive, and you can quote me on that. A bad flu went around my office earlier this year that had 30% of my company out sick one week, but I didn’t see anybody freaking out and talking about a quarantine. Just spend a couple days puking and shitting your brains out like I did and you’re gonna be fine. The only ones in danger are old people and those with compromised immune systems. If you fall into one of those categories then maybe you might want to take some precautions to keep yourself safe, but that’s on YOU to do that. The rest of the world shouldn’t have to cancel every single event and no longer have fun anymore just because some people are more at risk than others when it comes to this illness. Take some vitamins, don’t lick a handrail or let somebody else cough or sneeze in your face, and I promise you’re gonna be fine.

My plan for this upcoming Sunday remains the same as it’s always been: Eat a Bacon egg and cheese from Dunkies around 9 AM, and then proceed to drink Jameson at such a high rate that I’m blacked out by noon. The coronavirus will be the last thing on my mind at that point, and I’ll be safe from infection because everybody knows alcohol kills germs and my body will be thoroughly sterilized at that point. Just to be on the safe side, I might even sneak in a few nips of Dr. McGillicuddys to really give my immune system the bump that it needs. I’ll slightly concede and admit that one major way I could see the virus getting spread on Sunday quickly would be from Juuls getting passed around, but this form of contamination can easily be avoided by just smoking cigarettes like an adult.

Despite the fact that many feel it’s the wrong move, it seems as if the idiom has come to life and Coronavirus is literally raining on everybody’s parade right now. My grandma, who immigrated over here from Galway, is probably rolling over in her grave because of this news. Mayor Walsh should be ashamed for cancelling the parade. I could understand this coming from an Italian mayor or something, but not from one with the last name Walsh. Have some fucking Irish pride for me one time Marty. I could understand canceling something that has a high likelihood of spreading the disease around, such as a sneezing contest or an orgy, but a parade? Fuck off. Wanna know what’s more contagious than viruses? Hysteria about viruses. This media manufactured Boogey Man is nothing more than just that: A Boogey Man. Conjuring up fear is good for business for them, and yet people fall for it time and time again. Remember when Y2K, SARS, Swine Flu, Zika, and Ebola were all going to end humanity? Remember when we all survived World War III earlier this year after Soleimani got killed? Are you noticing a pattern here? The media loves to hype things up for clicks and profit, so stop being stupid and overreacting to this. Just wash your fucking hands and keep living your lives people.

PS: A Boston St. Patrick’s Day blog wouldn’t be complete without this Onion Classic: “Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day“