When it comes to the United States and our judicial system, the list of complaints and problems you could jot down on a list would not be a short one. There’s the obvious personal freedom crimes that many feel shouldn’t be illegal, such as gambling, drug use, and prostitution, and there are also many sentencing practices, like mandatory minimums and the death penalty, that people feel are either mis or disproportionally used.
Every now and then, a story will come out about an innocent person being released from prison after serving time for a crime they didn’t commit. It’s usually because new evidence was found or a new witness came forward that proves their innocence, thus throwing their conviction out the window like a degenerate gambler that didn’t pay his bookie on time. These unlucky wrongfully convicted people are then released back into society and given a “Whoops, we fucked up” shoulder shrug and half apology from the judge and prosecutors on the way out. If something like this ever happened to me and I was framed for murder or another long sentence inducing felony, served the time, and then was released after like 20 years, I would probably end up going right back to prison because I would track down and kill everybody involved with sending me there. In fact, I think that a person that gets wrongfully convicted of a crime should be allowed to commit that crime with immunity one time when they get released. It’s only fair.
Anyway, the reason why my brain is thinking about prison sentences and whatnot is because I just stumbled back upon this interesting story out of Iowa. I remember hearing about it somewhat years ago when it first happened, but a recent court ruling has brought it back into the news. 4 years ago, convicted murderer Benjamin Schreiber collapsed in his cell, and for a brief period of time, was legally dead. Like something out of Frankenstein, doctors were somehow able to bring him back to life. Once he had regained consciousness and was fully rehabilitated and back to his old self, he immediately pulled a fast one and filed for an appeal to his life sentence, claiming that he was now being imprisoned illegally because since he was legally dead at one point, he had technically completed his life sentence and should be released. This legal battle has been going back and forth for years now, but last week Iowa’s Court Of Appeals officially struck the request down for good and said he’ll have to finish his life sentence as planned.
First of all, I love everything about this move. I know he’s a convicted murderer and a piece of shit, but as I’ve said before, I’m a man of integrity and like to give credit where credit is due. If you can’t respect this guy’s hustle for literally dying, coming back to life, and then using this crazy turn of events to argue that his life sentence should be thrown out because of it, you’re thinking way too much with your emotions and not enough with the facts that lay before you. This is a well executed chess move while everybody else is playing checkers, so I have no choice but to tip my cap to this guy for the attempt at obtaining freedom here.
Moving on, and all jokes aside, I think I agree with him. I mean, what is a life sentence? It’s a prison sentence that you serve until you die, right? Well, he died. The life that he was previously living and had committed the crime under came to an end, and he has been reborn now. Therefore, he completed his life sentence. Case closed if you ask me, but unfortunately for Robert here, I’m not a sitting member on Iowa’s Appeals Court right now. I’ve been meaning to get around to it, but I’ve just been so busy lately.
I know it sounds like I’m just making a complete joke of this whole thing, but I’m actually being partly serious. The reason for that is because as much of an idiot as I may be, I was actually on track and considering going to law school after graduating from college. There were many reasons why this didn’t happen. No money, lack of motivation, rapidly decreasing brain function (Just to name a few). But if I ever did become a lawyer, I think I would solely take on ridiculous cases like this. Who wants to sit around in a courtroom and mediate while 2 people bitch about their divorce, or send some kid to jail because he stole a bike or something. Fuck that, give me the interesting cases that involve resurrecting from the dead and overturning life sentences. I’d be like a mixture of Saul Goodman, Maury Levy, and Joe peschi in My Cousin Vinny, just with half the amount of brains but twice as much drunken confidence. There’s no limit to what you can accomplish in a court of a law when you’re a quick witted asshole that doesn’t mind wasting time and tax payers money while arguing semantics. At the end of the day, isn’t that what courts are there for?
So in conclusion, I think this guy makes a good point and should be released from prison. Not because I want a convicted murderer to be walking around free again, but because I agree that he did technically complete his life sentence by dying and coming back to life. Apparently I’m not the only one who agrees either, because this has been going back and forth for years and made it all the way to Iowa State Court. I didn’t wake up this morning thinking I’d be advocating for the release of a convicted murderer, yet here I am. Don’t you just love the unexpectedness of life? If I was the judge, case would be dismissed and we’d be bringing in the dancing lobsters #FreeBenjaminSchreiber