Man Gets Stabbed To Death Over A Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, So Now I Feel Like I Have To Try One

I like to give credit where credit is due, and fast food chains are undeniably the masters of marketing. These chains are always somehow able to turn the release of their new sandwich, ice cream treat or whatever it is into front page news that makes the world (But mostly just America) collectively drop everything they’re doing and immediately head to one of their locations to try it like their lives depend on it. Remember the McRib? McDonalds would put out one commercial that simply said, “Hey everybody, the McRib is back!” and people would lose their fucking minds. There was gridlock traffic at every McDonalds drive through. People were rioting in the streets and looting stores. In some areas Martial Law even had to be declared, and all of this was just because McDonalds announced they were selling what was probably horse meat covered in barbecue sauce on a bun for 99 cents.

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Another example of great fast food marketing was what Sonic did in Massachusetts, and probably other states too but I’m just speaking from my own personal experience. Sonic would constantly play commercials during Red Sox and Bruins games that showed off their food, but here’s the thing: There weren’t any Sonic locations in Massachusetts. They were nowhere to be found, and that just made all of us crave Sonic that much more. It was absolutely genius, and even though those 2 guys in the Sonic commercials are annoying as fuck and I hope they get into a bad car accident if they ever decide to actually leave the Sonic parking lot for once, the commercials did their job and peaked public interest about Sonic to Mt. Everest heights. Then one day Sonic opened one location on Route 1, and similar to what happened annually with the McRib, Massachusetts lost it’s mind. Everybody dropped whatever it was that they were doing and all drove their cars like they stole it to Sonic because we all just had to try it.

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A similar phenomenon is happening right now with chicken sandwiches. I think by now we’re all well aware that Chik-Fil-A’s chicken sandwiches are so fire that you should probably pour water on the wrapper after you’re done eating it just to be safe. Well a competitor of theirs, Popeyes, decided to even the playing field a bit and came out with their own chicken sandwich. When the sandwich debuted, Popeyes literally ran out of chicken sandwiches. They said that the demand was way higher than they expected, and that there was a shortage of available sandwiches to distribute to their locations. Now was this just another marketing scheme to further entice us to try their sandwich? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter now because they’re back on the menu and are selling like hotcakes. I have yet to try one of these sandwiches, but after hearing that a Maryland man got stabbed to death over a Popeyes chicken sandwich earlier this week, I now feel like I have to try one immediately.

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First and foremost, the fact that this stabbing is a real story is a pretty sad reflection of our society. The words “Stabbed to death” and “Over a Popeyes chicken sandwich” is something you should see in an Onion headline or in a script for a Wayans Brothers movie, not in real life. This is one of those things that makes me think, “What the fuck are we even doing anymore?”, and also one of those things that reinforces why aliens will never bother visiting this planet because they gave up on us a long time ago.

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The above being said, and sad is it is, this story really makes me want to try a Popeyes chicken sandwich. I mean, If people are literally stabbing eachother to death over them, they must be delicious. In fact, I think this story should become a focal point of Popeyes ad campaign for these sandwiches. I can see the advertisements now: A billboard that says, “Popeyes chicken sandwiches: So good, they’re to die for”. Or maybe just show a commercial that is a news broadcast talking about this Maryland stabbing case to get the word out there that people are risking their lives and resorting to violence in order to eat these sandwiches. If that isn’t good press, I don’t know what is. 

Despite being a lazy and overweight piece of shit, I don’t really eat a lot of fast food these days. However, I think these chicken sandwiches might be the thing that gets me back on the wagon. They look good, are reasonably priced, and have caused somebody’s death, so how could I not want one of these sandwiches? It’s a no brainer, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I get a few of these bad boys delivered to my house within the next few hours. I would just make the trip to my nearest Popeyes and pick up the sandwich myself, but I don’t feel like getting shanked up like Julius Caesar while I’m waiting in line, so I’ll just play it safe and stick with Uber Eats instead.

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