Whether it be for survival, power, or sport, humans have always fought against eachother. Primal instincts will always manifest when our backs are against the wall, and sometimes punching somebody directly in the face is the only way to get out of a sticky situation.

The last reason I gave for fighting in the above paragraph was for sport, and this is an interesting reason for why humans fight. Turning violence into an entertaining sport was bound to happen eventually, and the Ancient Romans nailed it with Gladiator matches. It’s a morbid admission, but I would love to see a real gladiator match go down in person. Watching professional fighters chop eachothers heads off while I sit in the stands with a beer in one hand and popcorn in the other? Sign me the fuck up.

As time went on, organized fighting got less violent and more legitimate. It left its grassroots beginnings when sponsors and television broadcasts joined in on the fun and decided to capitalize on 2 people beating the living shit out of eachother in a ring for the entertainment of others. But in a world where there is organized, mainstream, and safe fighting, there is also unorganized, underground, unsafe fighting. In the underground, there are still plenty of dog fighting rings, cock fights, fight clubs etc., and when it’s underground, anything goes.

Well it appears that 3 women in North Carolina watched the movie Fight Club one too many times, and they came up with a crazy idea. That idea? Making the elderly dementia patients at the assisted living facility they work at fight eachother just like in the movie.

You can read the full story here, but all you really need to know is what I said at the end of the last paragraph. Basically 3 women were bored at their job at a retirement home, and instead of taking a nap or playing a game of Go Fish to pass the time, they decided to make their elderly patients kick the shit out of eachother while they filmed it and posted it on Snapchat. Police began investigating them after receiving a tip about this little elderly fight club that they had going on. It doesn’t say where the tip came from, but if I had to guess, I would say that one of these wrinkly combatants let their brain condition get the best of them and they forgot the Cardinal Rule of dementia fight club: Don’t talk about dementia fight club.

There are so many things wrong with this story, and I guarantee you none of them are what you’re expecting them to be. Most people see this story and say things like, “How terrible! I feel so bad for those elderly people”, but I have other plans.

First of all, this is an incredible idea. It might not be the best thing to admit morally, but watching old people fight eachother sounds very entertaining. Anybody that disagrees and says they wouldn’t enjoy it is lying to themselves. Are you telling me that if you came home from a night out at the bars and flipped on your TV to a live ESPN broadcast of two 80 year old dudes in a UFC Octagon trying their hardest to knock eachother out, you wouldn’t watch that? Exactly. That is must watch entertainment. I need this to become a reality and I need it now.

Building off of that last hypothetical, I would love for this to become real so that I could bet on this. Imagine your bookie texting you on a Tuesday night asking, “Who do you like for the fight tonight? We’ve got Ernie Zinkman (Age 81 with bad arthritis and a fake hip) going up against Walter Jefferson (Age 76 with Alzheimers and no vision in his left eye)”. I mean, I can’t possibly do any worse on old people fights than I’m doing betting on traditional sports right now. So if I ever received a text like that from my bookie, you better believe I would text him back and say, “Give me the guy with Alzheimer’s for 100 bucks” faster than you can say, “I’m going to burn in Hell”.

Moving on to the suspects, these ladies are obviously stupid for a number of reasons but the one that really jumped out to me was that they filmed these fights and posted them online. That’s just asking to get caught. I already said above that the first rule of dementia fight club is to not talk about dementia fight club, and then here they go and snitch on themselves. Social media is a dumb criminals worst nightmare. That would be like if back when I was selling drugs I took a picture anytime I got a new shipment, and then posted that picture on Facebook with the caption, “Just got a bunch of illegal drugs shipped to my house and I plan on selling them for profit. Like my status if you want to buy illegal drugs”. Want to see the faces of 3 idiots that filmed old people fighting and then snitched on themselves by posting it online? Well here ya go

Side note, I was very surprised when I saw a picture of the 3 ringleaders of this fight club. Running an illegal fight club with old people at a nursing home sounds like a very white thing to do, so I’d be lying if I said them being black didn’t catch me off guard. What’s next, are black people gonna start shooting up schools too?

Lastly, and I’m speaking from my own personal feelings about old age and mortality here, I see nothing wrong with this. If I was old and had dementia, I’d be so down to participate in a fight club with other old people. You’re gonna die soon anyway and you have absolutely no idea what’s going on anymore, so you might as well die in the ring in front of screaming fans. That sounds way better than slowly dying in bed covered in bed sores and your own shit while a re-run of I Love Lucy plays in the background. If that is ever my fate, just fucking shoot me.

I hope to Christ I die well before I ever end up in a nursing home, but if I do, please just let me do crazy things until I die. Sitting in some building playing bingo and eating apple sauce while I slowly wait to die sounds way worse than actually dying. I’ve never tried crack or heroin before, but 85 sounds like the perfect time to try it out. Fuck it, why not? When I’m on Death’s Door, I plan on going out high as shit from a speedball and fighting somebody like Blue from Old School, so hopefully I end up in a nursing home with employees like these 3 that allow this fantasy to happen.

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