Do you ever just sit around and think about old people fucking eachother? Me neither, but I just came across a story about exactly that, and it is so ridiculous that I have no choice but to give it my undivided attention for a few minutes.

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut have had their hands full lately, and not with the usual crimes I bet cops in this area usually deal with, like speeding or theft. Instead, the department has been flooded recently with reports of “lewd and sexual activity” taking place in a specific area of conservation land. Lovers Lanes aren’t exactly a new phenomenon, as most places have at least one of these secluded areas where couples go to make out and then some, but what is surprising about these reports is who is taking place in the inappropriate activity: Old people.

The police started monitoring the area after reports of these apparent elderly fuckfests began pouring in, and last week they made a pretty wild arrest. 6 people, with the youngest being 62 and the oldest being an 85 year old woman, were arrested for having sex in public.

First and foremost, I would like to say that I think the arresting officer should get a paid vacation and some type of medal for the sacrifice they made that day. Cops in America have been getting a bad rap as of late, and it’s stories like this that make me a proud supporter of our police. While we’re all safe in our homes, this officer was out patrolling the streets, and his eyes saw something that nobody should have to see, which is a group of old people going at it. God bless you for your service sir or maam, and I hope that therapy is able to fix the damage that you most certainly have after stumbling across this horrific scene.

Moving on to the actual story, it’s already absurd on the surface, but it becomes even weirder when you dissect it a little. When I first saw the headline, I thought, “Oh, 3 elderly couples met up and had sex in the woods. Gross”. But then when I looked a little deeper and saw that it was one 85 woman and 5 dudes, one of which was her 82 year old husband, my jaw dropped to the floor like a surprised cartoon character. This wasn’t just some elderly swinger party in the woods. This was a literal granny gang bang. I never thought I would be blogging about such a thing, yet here we are.

I’ve always been under the impression that sexuality was much different back in the day, in the sense that people were much more reserved. I feel like a lot of other people would agree with that. But this story has me questioning those beliefs. This woman is 85, so after crunching the numbers on my calculator, that would mean she was born in 1934. In that context, I guess it does make a little bit of sense. She was in her 20’s during the hippy 1960’s, so she’s probably just been, how should I say this, DTF for her entire life. Unless of course this orgy stuff is new for her, and she just said “Fuck it. I’m 85 and might die soon. Better have a 6 way with my husband and some of his friends in the woods while I still can”. In that case, I tip my cap to her, but I’m shaking my head at her husband. How are you gonna get cucked like this and watch 4 dudes plow your wife? In what world is that enjoyable? There are some weird fucking people out there man.

As funny as this story is, it is a little disappointing to learn that this 85 year old woman and her 60+ year old boy toys are having more sex than I am. There’s no need to dwell on things like this though, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some old people having an orgy in the woods ruin my day. Plus, the joke’s on them because they’ll all be dead in 30 years, and I’ll still (Hopefully) be alive. Suck on that one, old people.

PS: I like to ask myself the tough questions, and this story made me ask myself, “Would I fuck an old lady?”. I would like to think that I wouldn’t, but come to think of it, I 100% would. I’m a firm believer in doing things for the sake of having a funny story to tell later on, and fucking some old lady while hiking in the woods is about as unique and funny of a story as you can get. So what if she’s 80 and gross. I’ll just have to swallow my pride, along with plenty of hard alcohol, and drink until she looks like she did when she was 20. Problem solved