I’ve never been a big fan of hosting parties. I never did it as a teenager because my parents rarely went on vacation and my house wasn’t exactly a palace. It’s pretty hard to throw a Project X level bash when your parents are always around and your house can only fit 15-20 people max. Plus, my mom is the neatest person I know. If my 16 year old self tried to have a party when I was growing up, my mom would have sensed it happening. You know how Spiderman has his spidey senses? Well my mom has a similar superhuman ability and would have been able to sense somebody spilling their beer or putting it down without a coaster, even if she was hundreds of miles away.

Also, something always breaks or gets stolen at every highschool party, and I didn’t really feel like getting jumped by my parents the second they got home and realized that somebody stole all of my mom’s jewelry, broke the TV, and took a shit on our couch.

So as you can see, I have my reasons for not exactly being Jay Gatsby while growing up, and those feelings have stuck with me into “adulthood” (Still doesn’t feeling right referring to myself as an adult). When it comes to parties, I want to be a guest only. I’ll leave the hosting to people that enjoy letting strangers treat their houses like a hotel suite with no rules.

But despite the obvious negatives, some people love hosting parties. “Come one, come all” they say, as they let people file into their homes to make a mess. Every now and then, things will get out of hand at parties, beyond just a spill or something like that. Usually when a party gets out of hand, the cops are called by a neighbor or passerby. It’s very rare that the cops would get called the next day and by the host of the party themselves, but an example of this happened in Florida recently and it could not have been for a weirder reason. Police in Deltona received a call from a resident saying that a handgun had been stolen from his home over the weekend while he was hosting an anonymous sex party at his house.

You can read the full story here, but I’ll sum it up. Some guy decided to have an orgy at his house, with the stipulation being that everybody had to remain anonymous. This meant people showed up wearing masks and were told not to use their names. At some point during this anonymous fuck fest, somebody stole a Glock that the homeowner had left laying out on his bedroom dresser, which is a great place to keep a handgun when having complete strangers over to your house. He filed a police report, but because everybody was wearing masks and not using names, there is no way they are going to find this gun.

 First and foremost, I should admit that I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to hosting anonymous sex parties. I’ve watched my fair share of porn where things of that nature happen, but I don’t think that secondhand experience translates into the real world.

I’m also a little confused by the whole anonymous thing here. I’m sure it adds to the fetish factor of the whole thing, but it seems a little weird to me. Is everybody just standing around wearing Halloween masks and fucking eachother? It seems like it would be kinda tough (And also very weird) to suck somebody’s dick while you’re wearing a Scream mask, but maybe I’m just thinking too much into it.

Anyway, back to the fact that somebody stole a gun during an orgy. Whoever this person was, they reached for the wrong form of protection for this anonymous sex gathering. My dick feels itchy just thinking about having anonymous group sex with a bunch of strangers at some random house in Florida, so I can only imagine how many STD’s were actually flustering in the air that weekend. My advice to anybody that attended this party or any party like it is to start eating antibiotics like M and M’s and take a bath in a tub full of hand sanitizer. Rather be safe than sorry, but then again, I doubt that anybody attending anonymous sex parties is concerned with safety.

One of my favorite parts of this story was this quote from the sheriff during a press conference.

“We’re probably not going to solve this one,” Volusia County Sheriff’s Sgt. Todd Smith said during a public meeting Thursday. “And DNA (identification) is not going to be an option.”

I love when cops have a sense of humor about the ridiculous things like this that they have to deal with. The Sheriff let everybody know that the gun is long gone, and there’s no way they can use any DNA evidence to catch them because the house was probably covered from floor to ceiling with the bodily fluids of dozens of people. If you put a blacklight on that house, every surface would light up and signify the presence of cum on it. This just further backs up my aversion to hosting parties. It’s bad enough when strangers come over and make a mess of your house with food and drinks, but when they cover your entire house in jizz and also steal your gun in the process, that should be more than enough of a reason to never host a party again.

I’ve woken up to some pretty scary mornings after a wild party, but at least I’ve never woken up and said, “Oh shit, somebody stole my pistol during the anonymous sex orgy I hosted last night”. That realization will ruin anybody’s morning. For most people, having your gun stolen while hosting an orgy at your house would be a real wake up call, but something tells me this guy wasn’t phased at all. I would like to think that he’ll never host another one of these anonymous sex parties, but anybody that is weird enough to do this in the first place isn’t going to let a minor hiccup like this stop them. There’s almost something admirable about being as free spirited and crazy as this guy and his orgy guests, so honestly, keep doing whatever makes you guys happy. This guy likes doing one thing and one thing only, and that is letting strangers sit around on his furniture like