Are ghosts real? I don’t know, and neither does anybody else. I look at ghosts the same way I look at God, meaning that I have a pretty agnostic approach to both because nobody can really say with certainty whether they do or don’t exist. The skeptic in me wants to believe the multitude of stories, pictures, and video evidence that suggests ghosts are roaming among us, but the realist in me wants to call that all a bunch of bullshit.

Regardless of whether you believe in ghosts or not, I think we can all agree that some places are just plain creepy. Even if there aren’t any demonic spirits there, the last thing I want to do is walk around in some abandoned mental hospital at night for fun. Keep in mind that this is coming from somebody who loves horror movies, but there’s a big difference between watching horror movies and living them firsthand. Watching scary things happen to people that aren’t me is enjoyable, whereas being alone in a dark, creepy place that may or may not be haunted just seems like a bad way to spend your time and a good way to piss and/or shit your pants. Everybody likes to act tough, but we all know that if we were in a situation like the one I just described, we’d probably all end up calling our moms to come pick us up.

That’s why I’m always baffled when I see people willingly plant themselves in terrifying situations at these aforementioned creepy places that potentially have ghosts. I can understand why the dudes from Ghost Hunters do it (Money and possible sex with hot ghosts), but regular people that do it for shits and giggles are insane to me. Going to places that are supposedly haunted and trying to provoke the ghosts to show themselves? That is your idea of fun? Call me old fashioned, but if I’m ever seeking out fun, I’d rather just drink excessively, watch sports, or touch myself.

The reason why I’m thinking about stuff like this is because I just came across this article that got my brain fixated on the subject. Basically, this couple from Maine bought, and are now living in, the house that inspired the movie The Conjuring, and I have a feeling they didn’t fully think this purchase through.

You can read the full story here,  but all you really need to know is exactly what I said in the title. Some couple from Maine saw that the house that inspired the 2013 horror movie “The Conjuring” was for sale, so they decided to buy it. Part of me understands why they did this. Everybody loves movies, and the opportunity to live inside of a place that a movie was filmed at or is about is pretty cool. For example, if I was rich and found out that Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory was for sale, you better believe I’d buy it because living there would be awesome. I would just sit around all day like an overseer on an 1800’s Southern plantation while the Oompa Loompas did all the work. You’re telling me I can sit on my ass, eat candy, and profit from candy that was produced by the work of people that aren’t me? Count me the fuck in.

But when it comes to “The Conjuring” house, I think I’d have to pass on that purchase. I don’t care how good the price or how convincing the realtor is. There is no way in Hell I would buy that house and voluntarily move my stuff into it. I could see maybe buying it and turning it into some type of museum that ghost hunters pay you money to visit, but actually moving in and living there is bananas. The plot of the movie is about violent demonic spirits haunting and possessing anybody that enters the house, so why would you want to live there? And even if that’s all a bunch of bullshit (Likely), the thought of it being haunted is already ingrained in your head. This will cause your own mind to start playing tricks on you to the point that you’re in a constant state of fear, anxiety and, eventually, insanity. Thanks, but no thanks. Where I live right now has plenty of flaws, but at least I don’t have a panic attack any time I walk to the bathroom during the night to take a piss.

The couple has already said that the house has “been active”, which should be all the more reason for them take off in the middle of the night exactly like the Perron Family does in the movie. Given my track record with the ladies, I’ve never been the best at taking hints. But this? This is as obvious of a hint as it gets. Slamming doors and shit is a ghosts way of telling you to fuck off, and if you don’t pick up on it, that’s when they possess you and make you do The Devil’s bidding. If they do become possessed by these demons, at least Father Karras has already showed us that the best move in a sticky situation like that is to dive out of a window and fall down the longest staircase ever.

If this couple does plan on continuing to live in this house, my only request is that they also have a livefeed going at all times. I don’t mean that in a Peeping  Tom way either. Believe me, the last thing I want to see is some old Maine couple banging eachother. The thought alone is enough to make me puke like the little girl from The Exorcist.

The reason why I want a live feed is because I just want to be able to tune in sometimes and watch these spirits scare the shit out of them. If the place really is haunted and these morons are living there, it would be like a live horror movie that you always have a ticket to. They should do this at The Amityville Horror House too, because I’m pretty sure people live there. Tuning into the Amityville livefeed at 3:15 AM would be must watch stuff. Catch me screaming at my screen like

So if this particular Maine couple somehow comes across this blog, I would personally recommend that you cancel the check before the realtor cashes it and move back to Portland. Or keep living with demonic spirits, I don’t give a shit. If you like living in a house that is also a portal to Hell, who am I to stop you? Whatever floats your boats guys, but don’t come crying to me when you wake up abruptly in the middle of the night and realize that The Devil is raping you “Rosemary’s Baby” style.

 PS: While on the subject, “The Conjuring” was awesome. It’s probably one of the best horror movies to come out in recent years, and I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it. Pretty sure it’s on Netflix too