There have been plenty of delicious foods and drinks that were discontinued throughout my life, and each one hurt to see them go. For example, I survived on Sprite Remix during my elementary school days. Some might even say that I liked it a little bit too much, treating it with the love and respect somebody might show a close friend or family member rather than just a soda.
So on that fateful day in 2005 when it was unjustly discontinued, I died a little bit inside. Its loss stung even worse as I got older and realized that Sprite Remix would have been the best mixer ever. Sprite Remix and cheap vodka would have had me dead from alcohol abuse well before my 16th birthday, so I guess in the grand scheme of things, its discontinuation was for the best.
Another beverage I used to love that got wiped off the face of the earth was Four Loko. I should clarify that technically Four Loko still exists, but when I refer to Four Loko, I’m talking about the original formula that is no longer made which contained caffeine, AKA the good stuff.
Asking somebody if they remember the original Four Loko formula is sort of a catch 22 situation, because anybody that actually did drink that stuff has no memory of it whatsoever. That stuff was blackout in a can, which is partly why it was so awesome. It was the perfect drink for early teens that were just entering the alcohol world because its taste was bearable and it got you drunk as fuck for a few bucks. Four Loko was amazing back in the day, and the fact that the original formula got banned just because it was “Unsafe” and “killed a few people” is pussification at it’s finest.
The reason why Four Loko is back in the news recently isn’t because the original formula is back (Which is what I was hoping for). It’s because Four Loko has teamed up with another company, FleshLight, to create a truly revolutionary product. That product? A sex toy called “Sex in a Can”
If you don’t know what a FleshLight is, grow up. Basically, it’s a sleeve-like sex toy that looks like a flashlight that you can fuck (If you’re into that kinda thing). I don’t have one personally because money doesn’t grow on trees, and I don’t really get the appeal. Call me old fashioned, but I refuse to turn my back on my right hand, which I have began to refer to as “Ol Reliable” over the years. Nobody on earth can give me a better handjob than I can, so thrusting my penis into a vagina flashlight doesn’t necessarily peak my interest.
Having said that, this collaboration might change my mind. As you can see in the picture above, the “Sex In A Can” toy looks exactly like a real Four Loko. The only real difference between the two is that this one doesn’t actually contain any Four Loko, has vag lips on the top of it, and this one is capable of being fucked. Well, I guess you could fuck a regular Four Loko can too if you got a little creative with some scissors, but that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Then again, maybe that’s how this idea came to be in the first place: Somebody got so drunk from Four Loko that they tried to fuck the can. It’s entirely possible, and anybody that has been on the receiving end of a Four Loko blackout knows that there are no rules when you’re in that mind state.
The “Sex in a can” costs an appropriate $69 (Nice) and is a limited time offer, so I suggest acting fast. It also comes with a brown paper bag as a “case”, which gives off the illusion that you’re just drinking in public and not walking around with a hollowed out can/synthetic vagina contraption.
I know it’s about 5 months away, but I think I’m gonna ask Santa Claus for the “Sex In A Can” for Christmas this year. If I somehow wasn’t already on his Naughty List, I think this gift request and my subsequent uses of it might be the thing that does it. Sorry Santa, but the heart wants what it wants. I haven’t been this excited to open up presents under the tree in a long time. Christmas can’t come soon enough, and once I’m in possession of this red can of greatness, I’ll be cumming as well.