As I sit here on this warm Sunday night breathing nothing but brisk air-conditioned air and taking the occasional swig from a Gatorade bottle (Glacier Freeze of course), I feel lucky to be alive after this weekend’s brutal heat wave. There was no hyperbole in that last sentence by the way. I genuinely thought I was going to die for a brief period of time yesterday. Allow me to explain.
A lot of areas in the US are in the midst of a heat wave, and Massachusetts was one of the places that was not spared by the temperature this weekend. “As balls” is the most appropriate way of describing how hot yesterday and today has been in The Commonwealth. Don’t believe me? Well lets take a look at the heat index for Massachusetts from yesterday
These are the temperatures that a hot tub should be set to, not what the temperature of the air outside should be. I tried my hardest to avoid going outside altogether yesterday, but after receiving a text invite to go play corn hole, drink beers, and listen to classic rock while grilling burgers and hot dogs, my hands were tied. I was no longer making the decisions, as my love of alcohol, throwing bean bags, and singing along to “Simple Man” while pieces of chewed up hamburger fall out of my mouth in between lyrics was now in the driver’s seat and calling the shots at that point. So on I went, in autopilot, to my friend’s backyard.
As far as the day goes, it was a blast (At least in the beginning and middle). But after doing the above activities I laid out in the last paragraph for about 7 hours straight in the blazing hot sun, nature finally caught up with me. My Irish skin now resembled that of a lobster being removed from a pot after boiling for an hour. Sun screen? Never heard of it. If my mom could see how burnt I was yesterday and still am today, she would slap my back screaming “I told you so” until the cows came home. This isn’t me, but minus the cool Batman logo, this is basically what my skin looks like today.
All of that sun and heat exposure is bad enough while sitting down in the shade and drinking plenty of water, so when you factor in the fact that I was guzzling beers, flipping patties on the grill, and putting on a goddamn clinic in Corn Hole, I was exhausted. But thanks to the numbing powers of alcohol, I didn’t notice anything was wrong until it was too late.
I first started to notice something was wrong when I stopped pissing so much. Like I said, the beers were flowing and I have a weak bladder to begin with, so normally I’m whipping my dick out to drop off urine donations at The Porcelain Throne every 30-45 minutes when I’m on a heavy beer binge. But yesterday, I wasn’t. “Must be my lucky day”, I stupidly thought to myself, not realizing I was actually just in the early stages of dehydration and my body was retaining as many fluids as it could. But being the oblivious idiot that I am, I just figured that this lack or urination and the ever more present dizziness and confusion I was feeling were just from the beers I was drinking. And at the end of the day, aren’t Bud Lights just water anyway?
But then, it happened. One second I was pinpointing my bean bag aim for what was sure to be another hole and 3 quick points for my team, and the next second I was laying on my back with all of my friends standing over me with a look of awe on their faces like I was a chest of buried treasure that they just found. “Holy shit dude, are you good?” was the first thing I can remember hearing when I finally came through, and as somebody poured water all over my face. I tried to get up, but I just could not muster up the strength to do it. I felt like a senior citizen that had fallen down and now could not get up, and unfortunately, I didn’t bring my Life Alert button out with me yesterday. Those Life Alert commercials had been preparing me for this exact moment my entire life, and I completely dropped the ball when I could have used it.
Once they’d gotten me up and I was sitting in the shade consuming water like a blue whale when it opens its mouth to eat a school of plankton, I realized what happened: I passed out from dehydration. I’m not the brightest guy around, but I was able to put 2 and 2 together on that one. Since nobody had it on video (Thank God), my friends painted a picture for me. They explained that I was about to throw my bean bag, but then I basically collapsed like Mike Tyson had just sucker punched me with brass knuckles on.
I know that was just a simile to explain how I fell, but it really did feel like I took one to the chin from Tyson when I woke up. I was happy to be conscious again, but I still felt completely out of it. My breathing was shallow, I was dizzy as fuck, my skin was boiling to the touch, and mentally I felt how I imagine an old person with dementia feels when their family comes to visit them at the nursing home. It was like I was only there physically, and even though I vaguely knew the people I was with, where I was, and what I’d been doing, it felt like I didn’t. Everything was hazy, almost dream like.
While sitting in the shade, I sucked down so many bottles of water that I bet Poland Spring’s stock went up. After force eating 2 hot dog buns (We ran out of hot dogs), I started to feel okay enough to stand up again. My friend’s annoying girlfriend kept saying we should call an ambulance, to which I said, “You gonna pay for it?”. That quick witted comment was the assurance that myself and everybody else needed to know that I was going to be okay. I was back to my dickhead self, and I couldn’t have been happier.
One silver lining of this whole thing was that I got the best night of sleep I’ve ever gotten last night. Turns out that roasting in the heat and depriving your body of important resources like water is a great way to get some Z’s. My dehydration/heat exhaustion combined with the leftover alcohol still in my system, the small rip from my friends dab pen, and a quick Pornhub session put me to sleep like an old person at Dr. Kevorkian’s office. If you understand that joke, God bless you.
You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die? Well that didn’t happen, but it was still a scary situation at the time. For a split second, I really did think I might die. It happens more than you’d think. An ex-NFL player died from heat stroke on Friday.
I haven’t been that dehydrated since soccer camp when I was in 4th grade, and to give you an idea of that day, I refused to drink water when I was a kid and would only drink Sprite when I played sports. If you’re ever wondering if I’ve always been this stupid, there’s your answer.
In a serious and also unserious way, count your blessings folks. Although it ended up being something as stupid as getting dehydrated on a hot day of drinking with my friends, it was a little bit of a wake up call, as any health related scare should be. Obviously I didn’t really almost die like my clickbait title said, but it did give me a good story to blog about and pass on some recommendations. Drink water. Don’t drink on an empty stomach. Stay cool. Hail Satan (Not sure how that got in there).
Anyway, fuck the heat. Hopefully this is the hottest it’ll get in Boston all summer, and my fingers are crossed so hard for this to be true that they’re about to pop out of their sockets. Stay cool everybody, even though doing so makes you a misogynist because air conditioning is sexist.