I Wouldn’t Wish Sensitive Teeth On My Worst Enemy

It’s about 90 degrees in Boston right now, and I guess my work didn’t get the memo. I say that because the air conditioning in my building is working even less than I am right now. I’ve been mentally clocked out since lunch time because the workload this week has sucked. Plus, my sweat has drenched my clothes and left them feeling stickier than a porn star’s face at the end of a shoot. Part of me wishes my boss would read my air conditioning blog and realize why the temperature issue in my office needs to be addressed ASAP. But then again, if my boss came across my blogs I would probably end up in an HR meeting, which would likely be followed by me cleaning out my desk and living on the streets begging for change.

The one saving grace of this hot ass day is that my boss bought my entire department ice cream. Forget simply turning on the AC or paying us a better wage for the amount of work we’re doing, here’s an ice cream cone! But like the gullible worker ants that my coworkers and I are, we eat this small, insignificant gesture up (Literally).

He loaded the freezer up with ice cream, and basically said it’s all you can eat as long as you keep working. So naturally, I stopped working completely and have spent the majority of the day downing cone after cone of Cookies and Cream just to flex on all of my lactose intolerant coworkers. Oh, your stomach can’t properly digest lactose so you can’t enjoy some delicious ice cream on this 90 degree day? Sucks to suck guys.

So why am I writing a blog about ice cream? Well aside from the fact that I’m a fat piece of shit who is on cone number 7 or 8 (I lost count), every lick/bite of this ice cream has been kinda brutal. You see, I’ve always had pretty sensitive teeth, and this severely ruins a lot of cold treats for me, ice cream especially.

My teeth are more sensitive than a gender studies major when confronted with things like reality and logic, and the problems that arise from my oral condition are just as annoying to deal with as that kind of aforementioned college student.

Any cold food or drink that I have usually sends a chill down my spine. Not a refreshing “Ahh” chill that you should get when enjoying something like that. I’m talking more of a, “Just took a shot of cheap tequila and then chased it with a shot of even cheaper tequila”. To put it bluntly, it sucks.

I’ve tried all of the remedies, and nothing has worked. No amount of sensodyne tooth paste or mouthwash seems to make the nerves in my teeth grow a pair. I’ve asked my dentist about this too, and he basically just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Dur, I don’t know”. Gee man, sorry for asking. I just figured that you – A guy that went to dental school and has devoted his entire life to teeth – might have a suggestion or 2 for how to ease tooth sensitivity. This was a much needed reminder that I need to find a new dentist. Fuck Dr. Berkowitz. Newsflash dude: You aren’t even a doctor. Stop lying to yourself.

So why do I even bring this up? I bring it up because I’ve realized I wouldn’t wish sensitive teeth on my worst enemy, and believe me when I say there are plenty of things I would wish on my worst enemy. Contracting AIDS from a routine blood transfusion? Yes. In a heart beat if I’m being honest. But my worst enemy not being able to enjoy ice cream or a frosty beer without their mouth having a panic attack? That isn’t even a life worth living, and it’s a fate so cruel that not even I would want someone I hate to experience it.

It’s getting to the point where I might just follow my grandpa’s lead and get a set of dentures instead. Don’t be surprised if you see me doing this at the bar this weekend when a cold beer aggravates my teeth and I decide I’ve had enough. And by “Had enough”, I mean both in terms of being fed up with my teeth, and also had enough alcohol to take these drastic measures.

I don’t know man. It’s Friday, the weekend is inches away, and I just felt like writing this random blog about my battle with sensitive teeth. Please keep me in your prayers, as tomorrow might hit 100 degrees and many cold, refreshing treats are likely to enter my mouth. My teeth are just gonna have to sack up because I plan on ingesting nothing but freeze pops, ice cream, and cold BL’s all fucking weekend. Have a great weekend everybody, and don’t forget to let the liquor do the thinking.

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