Seeing as I’m somebody with a receding hairline, terrible dietary habits, and quickly diminishing brain power, I’ve come to terms with the fact that one day I’ll be just as bald, fat, and stupid as Homer Simpson is. I do find a little bit of solace in the fact that the stupidity and fatness is something that I can actually control, but the hair loss thing is a dagger to the heart. Nobody wants to be bald, and I just pray to God that my hair doesn’t completely betray me and is able to hang on until I’m 30 or so.

One of the many hilarious ways that bald people try to hide their lack of naturally growing hair is to wear a toupee. I say hilarious because I have never seen a toupee that looks good and hasn’t made me laugh out loud from how awful it looks. Spotting a toupee in public is about as easy as spotting a pedophile at a public playground, because most, if not all, of them couldn’t look more out of place if they tried.

Well it turns out that the hair hats we call toupees aren’t just being used to let bald men live in the fantasy that they still have hair anymore. A Colombian man was arrested in Barcelona last month for drug trafficking, but the details about his detainment have just been released. Police have released the details of this man’s brilliant cocaine smuggling strategy as well as his mugshot, and the only question I’m asking myself is, “How the hell did this guy get caught?”

When I first looked at this photo, I thought the police made a mistake and released the wrong picture. “Looks like a normal guy to me”, I thought to myself. “Where is the supposed cocaine he was smuggling?”. My mind was blown upon learning that his very realistic looking hair was actually nothing more than a toupee, and it was perfectly concealing a pound of cocaine strapped to the top of his head. Kudos to the sharp officers that were able to spot this, because I would have let this guy walk right past me without even a double take.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and if this move doesn’t perfectly capture the meaning of that phrase, then I don’t know what does. While most drug smugglers do things like swallow the drugs or hide them in concealed compartments in their luggage, this maniac just said “Fuck it”, taped a pound of blow to his head, and then covered it horribly with a wig on his way to the airport to catch his flight. I bet the real reason for why he got caught wasn’t even his toupee. It was because his giant brass set of balls made the metal detector go off when he was going through security. Screwed over by his own ballsack. We’ve all been there.

I personally give him an A for effort, but somewhere, I can’t help but think that Pablo Escobar is looking down at this in disappointment. He must be ashamed by how far Colombia’s National sport has fallen, and by their national sport, I mean cocaine trafficking. America has baseball, Canada has hockey, and Colombia has cocaine production/distribution.

I love funny news stories like this, and the inclusion of the picture makes this one that much better. When I first saw the mugshot, I spit out my coffee a little bit, and I’m sure the cops that were taking this photo had the same reaction. There’s no way that guy thought this was gonna work, right? I guess he didn’t get a chance to look in the mirror before he hit the airport. Come on man, that’s drug smuggling 101.

I’ve been holding back this dad joke for the entire blog, so here it goes: I guess you could say he’s a real coke head. And on that note, I’m out of here.

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