BREAKING NEWS: Turns Out That Sharks, Which Are Aquatic Animals, Live In The Ocean

With summer officially underway and The 4th of July Weekend here, most people are set to begin flocking en masse to beaches in order to drink heavily, eat tons of burgers and hotdogs, set off fireworks, and soak up so much sun that they contract a mild case of melanoma.

Everybody around my neck of the woods can’t wait to “Head down The Cape”, as we say, referencing a downward voyage to Massachusetts’ version of Florida: Cape Cod.

Cape Cod is a magical place with transformative powers, as it annually transitions from the heroin infested wasteland that it usually is during the off-season into a populated beach haven every Summer. It acts as the perfect vacation spot for not only Massholes, but also for people from all around the Northeast. Everybody knows someone who knows someone with a Cape House in Hyannis or Dennis or wherever, so as a Massachusetts resident, you’re guaranteed to make a trip or 2 down there every year at the very least.

Well folks, this year might be different. I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but I have some bad news. If you were planning on going down The Cape this weekend, I would suggest cancelling those vacation plans right now and just staying put instead. It turns out Cape Cod is no longer safe, and it’s not just the area’s fentanyl-laced heroin that people have to fear anymore. In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the Atlantic Ocean that Cape Cod’s beaches rest upon has become inhabited by a dangerous invasive species called sharks

I know that something as crazy as sharks living in the ocean sounds like something out of a scary story that gets told around camp fires, but it has apparently transcended from urban legend to truth. Local news outlets have been diligently warning the public about these recent shark sightings by posting headline after headline, making sure everybody is aware that sharks have been spotted in such an unorthodox place for them to be like the ocean. While this awareness is good, it may not be enough to solve this problem that is quickly spiraling out of control. That’s why I think it’s about time we capture all of these ocean sharks and put them back into the aquariums where they belong. I mean what’s next, bears living in the woods? Where does the madness end?

By now I’m sure you’ve caught onto my obvious sarcasm about all of this. The shark sighting news fiasco happens every summer, and it never fails to make me laugh. Essentially, news stations go into overdrive pumping out stories about how a great white shark got spotted somewhat near the coast, and it stirs everybody into a panic. Here’s a great example

Holy shit, a shark was spotted 5 miles away from shore? Everybody out of the water! Who the fuck is swimming 5 miles out in the ocean? Nobody, that’s who. So even though it doesn’t make any sense for it to be, a story like this somehow becomes front page news and people start frantically sharing these articles on Facebook and participating in such high levels of mass hysteria that hasn’t been seen in Massachusetts since the Salem Witch Trials. Quick everybody, lock your doors and windows and stay inside until the okay is given. There are sharks in the ocean!

Where did these people think that sharks lived? Not even exaggerating, sharks have been living there for millions of years, so I’m not sure seeing a dorsal fin every now and then is that strange. In fact, I’m surprised shark attacks aren’t way more common than they are. I know that people love a good “Jaws” fantasy, but sharks aren’t nearly as cool as the shark was in that movie. All real sharks do is eat seals and scare the living shit out of people by popping their dorsal fin out of the water in their spare time.

The headlines have been even heavier in volume this year because Cape Cod had a fatal shark attack last year, but it’s important to remember that it was the first such attack since the 1930’s. When you think about how many people swam at those beaches from 1930 to 2018, it shows how truly uncommon that type of thing is. As a gambling man, I’ll take those odds and am willing to bet that I won’t die at the beach from a shark attack. Alcohol poisoning or a fireworks accident maybe, but a shark? No way. More people die every year from falling coconuts than they do from shark attacks. Don’t believe me? I read it on the internet, so it must be true

Anybody that’s truly worried about sharks at the beach is freaking themselves out for no reason. As long as you decide to not be a hero and avoid swimming wicked far out into the ocean for no reason, you’re gonna be fine. Chest deep water is where it’s at anyway. You can still drink a beer, throw a football/frisbee around, body surf etc., and you don’t even have to actually swim. If you ever find yourself amongst a group of seals and you can’t feel even feel the bottom anymore, that should be your signal to turn around and swim back to shore before a great white bites you in half. Sorry to victim blame here, but at that point, you’re kinda asking for it.

At the risk of sounding like a mixture of Trump and the Mayor Of Amity in “Jaws”, all of this shark hysteria is a bunch of fake news. It’s 4th of July weekend, and those beaches will stay open, sharks or no sharks. That just my 2 cents on the whole thing, and if I’m being honest, I’m more afraid of getting stuck in Cape traffic than I am of getting attacked by a shark. If you gave me the choice between a great white shark biting my leg off or being hungover in my friend’s crowded car while stuck in standstill traffic on the Sagamore Bridge, I’m taking the shark 11 times out of 10. Have a great weekend everybody!

PS: With my luck, I’ll get attacked by a shark this weekend. Karma is a bitch

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