What has felt like the longest Wednesday in human history is almost over, and I’m currently staring at the clock with such unbroken concentration you would think it’s Margot Robbie doing a strip tease. Hump Day is right, and I’m so tired that the only thing I want to do is jet home and pass out, until of course I’m blessed with the opportunity to wake up tomorrow morning and do this work thing all over again.

Around noon time today, my department head sent out an email that made me roll my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of the back of my head. Unbeknownst to me, today is called Global Running Day. To celebrate this previously unheard of event, my company is planning on meeting at a local park after work and going for a run together.

I stared at the email in disbelief for a few minutes, perplexed and unsure what to do. There were 2 available responses to this email: “I’m Going” and “I’m Not Going”. However, I wish there was a 3rd option that said, “I hope that all of you get hit by a bus during the run”. But since that wasn’t an option, I instead deleted the email so quickly Hillary Clinton would have been proud.

If you read my gym blog from the other day, it’s obvious why I’ve decided not to participate. Global Running Day? Going for a voluntary run with people that I work with? I’m out of shape and I already spend too much time with the people I work with, so I’m not even kidding when I say I would rather sell myself into slavery.

I don’t know when this all started, but has anybody else noticed that every day has to be “Something” Day now? Every single day of the calendar year has some new stupid title attached to it, and being the asshole that I am, I can’t take it anymore. Do we really need every day to be “Sibling Day” or “Left Handed People’s Day”? Apparently we do, but we really shouldn’t. Call me old fashioned, but can’t it just be Wednesday?

And as far as naming days stupid things goes, Global Running Day is one of the dumbest ones I’ve ever heard. I did a little further research on this because I couldn’t believe it was real. Turns out it’s held every year on the first Wednesday in June, and people are supposed to go for a run and then submit their names to a website. My company isn’t even raising money for charity or anything like that, they’re just going for a run because somebody decided that is what you should do on the first Wednesday in June. Pardon my French, but my autistic cousin would say that’s retarded.

As tempting as it is, I’m gonna have to disrespectively decline this invite to participate in Global Running Day. It’s hot and humid as balls outside in Boston right now, so unless they’ve changed the definition of “run” to “Sitting on a couch in an air conditioned room”, count me out. I’m sure the water cooler talk in the office tomorrow will be a whole lot of, “Hey Stephanie, great running with you yesterday!”, but I’m perfectly okay with being left out of those conversations.

Besides, I have my own holiday to prepare for tomorrow. It’s called, “Get Shitfaced On A Week Night For Game 5 Of The Stanley Cup Finals” Day, followed of course by, “Regretting Everything And Strolling Into Work Late And Hungover” Day on Friday. Maybe I can get used to making every day have it’s own title after all, but Global Running Day can still fuck right off.