I Am Sick, Tired, And Quite Frankly Scared, Of How Smart Las Vegas Is

Quick little rant about my recent misfortune. I was gonna write this up last night when it actually happened, but I was so fucking mad that I went into my room and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep like the pathetic person that I am instead.

We’re in what is easily the greatest time of the year if you’re a sports fan, especially if you take that sports love a step further and gamble on games. Between The NBA Finals, The Stanley Cup Finals, and regular season baseball, there’s always something to bet on. Naturally, I’ve been taking full advantage and carrying on with my tradition of placing ill informed bets and losing money left and right.

Yesterday was no different, and as I locked in my Golden State moneyline bet (Which thankfully did hit, making this suck slightly less), I did something I usually don’t do. I said “Fuck it”, and decided to bet the over for the point total of the game, which was set at 213.5 by the all knowing assholes in Vegas. It seemed like a lock to me, but in hilariously frustrating fashion, the game ended 109-104, making the total 213 and making my bet fall short by a half a point.

I couldn’t believe it. I yelled “Fuck” so loudly that my neighbors 2 blocks away were now aware that I lost yet another bet. The fact that I didn’t destroy my TV is a Festivus Miracle. If AIM was still a thing, I would have made my away message some depressing Simple Plan lyrics followed by “Don’t call/text”. That’s how upset I was.

I’ve since calmed down a bit about the whole ordeal, but this has made me come to terms with something I’ve known for a while but it bears repeating: Las Vegas is way too powerful and must be stopped.

I mean seriously, how the fuck do they consistently set such accurate spreads/lines that fuck everybody over? I don’t know, but I’d like to get to the bottom of it before I end up living in a cardboard box and begging for change. It is absolutely insane how on point Vegas always is with this shit. My friends and I jokingly say it all the time, but at the end of the day, “Vegas knows”.

The 4th quarter of this game had me so on edge I thought I was gonna fall off. Watching the Warriors throw up brick after brick and go scoreless for 4 minutes made me want to take a bath with a plugged in toaster if you catch my drift. Anxious doesn’t even begin to describe it. At a certain point, I thought I had it. I breathed out a sigh of relief, thinking that surely they would score more than 214 points. Of course they will. Well they didn’t, and I hate everything.

Meanwhile, while I was panicking and destroying my house, I bet the Nostradamus pricks in Las Vegas were sitting back, chilled out, and smoking cigars while this 4th quarter played out. They’re invincible and they know it. They can’t lose. The worst part is I literally know that they can predict the future and make me lose every time, and yet I’m still dumb enough to play their sadistic little game over and over. Vegas is like Jigsaw and I’m the poor sap that they’ve kidnapped and chained up in some abandoned location. Vegas will maniacally say “So Drunk White Kid, do you want to play a game?”, and before they’re even done talking, I’ve already made 2 (Soon to be losing) bets. Why am I like this? Oh yeah, because I’m a fucking moron.

That’s why I’m sitting here today and pledging that I will never bet the over ever again. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I’m never doing it again. There’s no way I’ll keep this promise, but it felt liberating typing that out.

I’ve never hated and loved something as much as gambling. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with whatever odds Vegas decided to set, and no matter how many times they beat me and kick me while I’m down, the odds of me staying in said relationship are a sure thing. I wish I could bet on that outcome, because it’s the lock of the century.

Fuck you Las Vegas. I hate you with every fiber of my being. On that note, I wonder what the line for the Bruins/Blues game is tonight? Hmm, there’s a lot of MLB games tonight too. Couldn’t hurt to check that out either. Asking for a friend……

PS: The worst part was when I was taking this bet, I remember looking at the half point and thinking, “Man I really hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me”.

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