Despite our best efforts and near constant bombing, the cowardly members of ISIS still exist. I hope a deadly strain of AIDS comes along soon that can only be contracted by fucking goats and camels, and that way we can let that disease do the dirty work for us and wipe them off the face of the planet. The reason I bring ISIS up is because in the wake of the Easter Bombings in Sri Lanka, a new video has surfaced showing a man many assumed dead. That “man”, and I put that in quotes because I’m using the term loosely, is Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. He is an ISIS leader who has not been seen or heard from for 5 years, but a few days ago a video began circulating that shows him discussing recent events, including the atrocity in Sri Lanka. This recent resurfacing of this asshole who unfortunately isn’t worm food yet is especially surprising because he has had a bounty on his head for years now. The reward isn’t a couple bucks and a coupon to Arby’s either. The US Government is offering 25 MILLION dollars for this guy’s head, and I think it’s about time I put in my resignation papers at work and move onto bigger and better things.

It has felt like time is standing still at work all week, and after seeing this bounty, I basically have no choice but to walk out the front door and never come back. Knowing that I can acquire 25 million dollars by doing something as easy as traveling to the Middle East, tracking down one of the most mysterious and dangerous men in the world, and then killing him and his entire entourage is just too good of an opportunity to pass up. The only tough choice I have ahead of me now is how to get there. After that, piece of fucking cake.

Maybe my parents will let me use some of their Spirit frequent flyer miles to get from point A to point B and get this job done. And yes, you read that correctly: My parents actually have frequent flyer miles with that joke of an airline. They don’t mind rolling the dice and consistently flying on planes with no leg room or seatbelts and a 40% chance of crashing so long as the price is right. I guess that explains where my gambling genes came from.

Then comes the planning for how I’d carry out the hit. I guess once I’m over there, I can just buy an AK-47 and some explosives at a nearby fruit stand or something. At least that’s how I assume things work in The Middle East. Once I’m locked and loaded like a GI Joe action figure, I can begin my journey to find this asshole, and I’m not gonna lie, this part might suck a little bit. My Irish skin gets a sunburn on a cloudy day, so wandering around in a desert isn’t ideal for somebody like me. I guess to counteract this, I can just buy a burqa while I’m at the marketplace buying my weapons. It’s always good to fit in with your surroundings when you’re on a mission like this, so catch me walking around the desert sniffing for clues dressed like everybody else. Better luck next time sun, you fucking idiot

Once I find this guy, after what I’m assuming will only take about 5-10 minutes of searching, I’ll light him up with bullets like Sonny at the toll booths. I’ll then pose for a selfie next to his body to prove that I killed him, but to play it extra safe, I should probably bring his body back to the US with me.

Quick question: When flying, do you have to check in a dead body or is it considered carry on? I’ve checked Spirit Airlines’ website and called their customer service department numerous times, but I haven’t gotten a straight answer. I guess since I’ll be rich very soon at that point, I can just ball out and buy his dead body a seat next to mine. Some would think that his decomposing flesh might draw some attention, but Spirit flights already smell so bad that nobody would even notice. This ISIS reinstallment of Weekend at Bernie’s won’t be hitting the theaters anytime soon, but it might be the only way to ensure I get my 25 million dollar retirement package.

I never thought I’d become a bounty hunter, but rolling with the punches when it comes to the unexpected is what life is all about. What I lack in personal experience with finding and killing wanted fugitives, I more than make up for with how many times I’ve seen The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly and played Red Dead Redemption. I assume killing people for cash reward is a learned skill like any other that takes time to master, but hopefully I get some beginner’s luck on this one and I never have to work again. 25 million bucks tomorrow sounds a hell of a lot better than 9-5 for 40 years. I’ve already called the US military and let them know they can feel free to fall back and chill out, I’ve got it from here. The next time you see me (even though none of you have), I’ll be plastered on the front page of the papers in stereotypical “white guy holding a fish he caught” pose. But instead of a beautiful 13 inch bass, I’ll be holding that pricks severed head. Cue the music!

PS: Get a load of this guy’s beard?

Legit looks like the ungroomed pubes of a ginger giant that’s going grey