Bank Robberies are Out, Stealing Colonoscopy Equipment Is In

Like everything else, criminal activity has changed with the passage of time. What used to be the go-to get rich quick scheme 100 years ago is not whatever it is now, and whatever it is now will not be the norm 100 years from now. Whether it was forging checks or boosting cars, eventually the law and technology catches up with the times, and these schemes aren’t nearly as profitable or fool proof as they used to be. For example, bank robberies were pretty damn popular from the inception of banks right up until maybe 20 years ago, when technology finally caught up with things like ink packs, tracers, better cameras etc., which made robbing a bank not worth the risk and subsequent time in prison. Sure, some people still do rob banks, but a lot of criminals have moved onto bigger, better, and most of all, more creative ways to make a buck. A great example of modern day thieves thinking outside the box occurred in Pennsylvania the other day, when 3 people stole $450,000 worth of colonoscopy equipment from a local hospital.

If you’re too lazy to click the link and read, I don’t blame you. As always, I’ll quickly sum it up: 3 people walked into a suburban hospital in the morning (Most likely through the rear), pried open a few doors that lead them to $450,000 of unattended colonoscopy equipment, and they walked out with it. That’s all you really need to know.

First of all, how the fuck is this stuff worth nearly a half a million dollars? Because I’m not a middle aged man yet, I haven’t gotten one nor do I know much about the colonoscopy process. Based on the fact that they walked out with this stuff on their person, I’m assuming the equipment was pretty small, which I guess makes sense because they shove this stuff up people’s assholes. I understand it’s medical equipment and that stuff ain’t cheap, but 450 K seems a little marked up to me. Maybe the hospital should try bartering next time because I think they got gypped. If this stuff really is worth that much though, you might wanna have some security watching it next time. I don’t know, just a thought though.

Moving on, I love everything about this crime. I’m a big fan of creativity, and stealing colonoscopy equipment is entrepreneurship personified. Perhaps funnier than the crime itself is thinking about what their move is now. The police chief was stunned because he said that they’ve never seen something like this before, which just goes to show how innovative these folks are. But what he really meant by that is where are they planning on selling this stuff? Like he said, you can’t just walk into a pawn shop and say, “Hello good sir, I’m interested in selling $450,000 worth of stolen medical equipment”, so I doubt their poop covered loot is gonna end up on an episode of Pawn Stars anytime soon. Then again, there’s always the internet. Are they gonna put this stuff on Ebay with the description, “Used colonoscopy equipment for sale. Has only been in a few other people’s anal cavities. Perfect gift for somebody that wants to perform a colonoscopy at home for some reason. Let’s start the bidding at $450,000”? I know the black market exists, but even still, is there really that big of a market for this stuff? Ah who am I kidding, there’s a market for everything. If you don’t believe me, just remember that somebody was selling a life sized statue of what Arnold Schwarzenegger would look like if he was morbidly obese for the bargain price of 10,000 euros. Don’t believe me? Think again

As much we demonize crime, we as a society make damn sure to immortalize those that did it best. Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, and the list goes on. All masters of their craft that are remembered for their ingenious crimes. What Henry Dillinger was to bank robbery, these guys are to the theft of colonoscopy equipment. There is no doubt in my mind that this trio will go down in history just like the others, and they earned it by doing the dirty work (Literally). Others will follow their example and forego the usual bank or convenience store robbery, and instead settle for stealing ass instruments because that is where the real money is. It would be funny if the equipment hadn’t been cleaned yet either, because the thought of people stealing shit covered equipment makes me laugh because I’m mentally 6 years old. I’m surprised they haven’t been caught yet, seeing as K-9’s should have no problem picking up a scent on these tools if you catch my drift. My suggestion to local law enforcement is to keep their eyes peeled at gynecology and ears, nose and throat offices. Criminals tend to follow a pattern, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they hit those places to carry out some sort of orifice equipment theft trifecta.

PS: Can you imagine getting locked up for this and telling the other inmates this is what crime you committed?

Inmate- “What are you in for?”

Colonoscopy Bandit- “You know the tools they put in people’s butts during colonoscopies? Well I stole $450,000 worth of them and got sentenced to 20 years in prison”

If that doesn’t get you some serious street cred in your cell block, nothing will.

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