Nobody likes getting caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Whether it be littering or masturbating in a stall at work, it is human instinct to not only avoid being caught in the first place, but to also try to cover your tracks as best as possible if you are caught. Drunk driving is, and always has been, a hot issue in the United States. I’m too lazy to look up the actual statistics, but thinking back to what I learned in DARE many moons ago, I’m pretty sure drunk driving kills a person every hour in the United States if you were to average the numbers out. Personally, I kinda think you’re an asshole if you drunk drive in this day and age. I mean, we literally have apps that will pick you up and drop you off at your front door, so I’ve just never understood the rationale behind bringing your car out to the bar with you just to risk catching a DUI or an all expenses paid trip through your windshield. Yet, people still do it and get arrested for it every minute. But not all drunk drivers simply hold their hands out and wait for the cuffs to tighten the second the police lights flash in their rear view mirror. A South Carolina man decided he wasn’t going down without a fight, and in a stroke of what can only be described as pure unadulterated genius, he decided to spray Axe body spray into his mouth to try to cover up the smell of alcohol on his breath.
This legendary tale happened in Spartanburg, South Carolina last week, when SC State Troopers pulled over a car that was speeding and weaving in and out of lanes, which gave the police reason to believe the driver was under the influence of good old fashioned booze. The police were right, and our protagonist, Efren Ramirez, was indeed under the influence. He had a BAC of .15, multiple open containers in the car, and a plan to get out of the sticky situation he found himself in: Spray Axe body spray into his mouth so that the cop wouldn’t be able to smell the alcohol on his breath. Shockingly, his plan didn’t work and he was arrested for DUI, but his legendary attempt will not go unnoticed.
First of all, was this guy on his way to prom in 2006? I had no idea Axe body spray was still a thing, so that was the first thing that jumped out at me. I used to wear the fuck out of Axe body spray back in the day, so the mere mention of it makes me want to put on some white shell toes, a Lacoste hat, and update my Myspace page. Secondly, and I guess more importantly, I don’t hate this move one bit, and I’m being sincere in saying that despite the fact I dislike drunk driving. When your back is against the wall, any move is the right move. So if that means you have to spray aerosol into your mouth to try to get out of a drunk driving charge, so be it. Jail is in your near future, so you might as well open wide and prepare to give your tastebuds PTSD from a quick spray or 2 of some external use only deodorant. I wonder if the cop happened to see the guy doing this. In that scenario, that might be more of a dead giveaway of intoxication than the reckless driving was. Sober people usually don’t spray Axe body spray into their mouths, unless of course there’s some new “Axe spray challenge” that’s going around with today’s retarded youth. It sounds ridiculous, but they were eating Tide Pods last year, so I wouldn’t put it past them.
Some of the world’s most amazing innovations came out of things that most people considered crazy, so the fact that Mr. Ramirez was willing to think outside of the box here and ingest harmful chemicals to avoid a DUI should be appreciated by all. While most “normal” people would just do things like chew a piece of gum to cover up the smell of alcohol, innovators like Mr. Ramirez exist to challenge the status quo and take things to the next level. Just because he wasn’t successful doesn’t mean others won’t be, so I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if every drunk driver starts keeping a bottle of Axe body spray in hands reach at all times from this point forward. “When in doubt, spray your mouth” will become the new slogan for drunk drivers from sea to shining sea, and we have nobody but Efren Ramirez to thank for paving the way. Or you could just take an Uber and avoid the hassle, but what do I know besides everything?
PS: All this Axe body spray talk got me thinking about their old competitor: Tag body spray. Anybody remember these awesome commercials?
If only it were that easy