Like most normal people, I am pretty indifferent about my job. I don’t hate it, but there is plenty of other shit I would rather be doing besides repetitive data entry for 40+ hours a week. It’s been a pretty busy day for me thus far, and my hands are cramping up so badly you would think I’m 12 years old and just discovered jerking off. I’m having one of those days that is so monotonous and everlasting that I just need something, anything to distract me from work’s perpetual loop. For fucks sake, even a gunman shooting up my office building right now would suffice as entertainment right now. It’s dull days like today that really make me wish I had better coworkers. It’s not that I hate the people I work with, we’re just different and have nothing to talk about. That’s why I wish I had more wildcards in the office. You know, team players who could defy the odds and bring excitement at times like this when there seemingly is none. The reason behind this request for better coworkers is because of this news story I came across recently. A 19 year old Missouri man went above and beyond for his coworkers recently, when he decided to spice up their day by spiking their drinks with LSD to change their “negative energy”.
You can click that link and read all about it, but basically some dude in Missouri was going about his day at his place of employment: Enterprise Rent A Car. Now I’ve never worked at Enterprise Rent A Car, but I’m gonna assume that it sucks ass. Your job description boils down to getting berated by fed up customers that are angry about some part of the rental car transaction, and since you are easy pickings, they just take it out on the few unfortunate souls stuck behind the counter that day. Just thinking about it makes me want to blow my brains out, or at the very least be so drunk or high that I can deal with the fact that some overly entitled lady is screaming in my face because her rental car isn’t the color she wanted. Right when all hope was lost at this particular Missouri Enterprise location, in steps the hero: The 19 year old employee that looked around at the disgruntled faces of his fellow employees and determined that they all needed some change, and boy did he have just the change they needed in the form of a liquified psychoactive substance. He retrieved the LSD that he had on him, and similar to a frat member who sucks at getting laid the proper way, decided to spike everybody’s drinks in order to have some fun. Turns out his coworkers are total wusses, and they immediately freaked out and required hospitalization. When police interviewed the 19 year old employee, he admitted to them that he spiked their drinks with acid to change the negative energy that his coworkers were giving off, which is completely understandable if you ask me. Nobody likes a Debby Downer, and similar to yawns, bad moods are contagious. Police said no charges have been filed yet, and if there is any right in the world, none will be. If anything, this guy should be given a promotion for looking out for his fellow employees and trying to make the workplace more fun.
Now first and foremost, I actually dislike hallucinogens. Just like his pussy coworkers, I’m a classic over thinker, so every time I’ve ever done any hallucinogenic drugs, I’ve ended up having a pretty terrible time because I mind fuck myself into a bad trip at one point or another. One second I’m agreeing with my friends that the patterns on the couch are cool to look at, and the next thing you know I’m vividly remembering the time my dog got run over by a car right in front of me when I was 10. Needless to say my trip experiences haven’t always been positive. Having said that, I would have killed for somebody to spike my drink with acid at work today, or any day for that matter. One second I would be sitting at my desk typing away into yet another spread sheet, only to have it all of the sudden turn into the green coding sequence from the Matrix.
“Shit, am I seeing things?”, I’d ask myself, while I look around the office and observe a sea of the distorted faces of my coworkers, that are also staring at their screens and ready to join Neo and Morpheus inside The Matrix. Like I said earlier, I would welcome anything with open arms that breaks up the repetitive nature of my job, and that includes being drugged and getting so unexpectedly high on acid that I have a panic attack and shit my pants. Another overlooked thing from this whole situation is the selfless generosity expressed by this employee. To my knowledge, he had the decency to not even charge his coworkers for the doses of acid they took. Drugs are very expensive, and acid is pretty tough to find these days because it isn’t the 60’s anymore, so good on him for offering up this rare and pricy treat to his coworkers free of charge.
You know what they say: Find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. Well it turns out that this employee loves tripping balls, and rather than hoard the fun for himself, he decided to spread the cheer around like a drug dealing Johnny Appleseed by planting seeds of joy around via spiked LSD drinks so that everybody else at work could have fun too. Like I said earlier, acid and shrooms aren’t really my thing, but I would killed for some today. Being at work high will always be better than being at work sober, so give me that former scenario over the latter any day of the week and twice on Sunday. And to that unnamed hero, who I guarantee will soon be (wrongfully) fired from his job at Enterprise Rent A Car, please contact me and I’ll see what I can do to get you a spot at my company. Hopefully he takes me up on this offer, so that in the future whenever my boss asks me how my day is going, I can look back at him like