We’re currently on the backhalf of spring break season, and like most of the working class population, I had the pleasure of going to my desk for spring break. The word envy doesn’t even come close to accurately representing how jealous I am right now of all of the college kids who spent the last 2 weeks abusing alcohol and having unprotected sex in warm weather. I never went on spring break when I was in college, but even without experiencing it I get the gist. Ignorance is bliss, so it helps to not think about how much fun everybody else is having while I slave away in the confines of a Boston office building, but thanks to social media (most notably Snapchat), I had to sit back and watch as my friends partied their balls off day in and day out. But not everybody that went on spring break this year had an awesome time. Some got into fights. Some broke up with their significant others. And some got scammed into going on a fake snorkeling adventure and were left stranded on a snake infested island in Thailand.

You can read the full story here, but as usual, the Drunk White Kid cliff notes are as follows. A group of 18 British teens went on a Spring Break trip to Thailand. While there, they got approached by 3 complete strangers who offered to take them snorkeling for 26 bucks each. Lacking any common sense, they agreed, got on their boat, and headed out to sea because apparently their parents never told them not to talk to strangers. The men told them to jump off the boat, and once they were all in the water, they threw 2 snorkels in the water and told them to swim to a nearby island which they also advised was infested with snakes. The men then drove off, and the teens were stuck on this island for 3 hours before finally flagging down a fisherman and getting help. It doesn’t say so in the story, but I hope this was their flight home.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin on this one. First of all, why the fuck are you going to Thailand for Spring Break? I know that the capital is hilariously named Bangkok, but my research tells me that the only reason you should go to Thailand is if you want to bang a 12 year old prostitute for 3 dollars and some change. Moving on, why the hell would you agree to such an absurd proposition in a foreign country? It’s this part of the story that makes me not feel bad for them whatsoever. In what world does getting on a boat with 3 strangers to go on an impromptu snorkeling trip in a foreign country ever have a happy ending? It’s not like these guys were at an excursion booth or anything either. They just walked up and asked them to go snorkeling. Plus, it sounds like they didn’t even have any snorkeling equipment on the boat. And then they instructed them to jump off the boat, but then they didn’t jump off with them? Just so many red flags that I don’t feel bad for these kids, and it was at this point in the story I actually found myself rooting for the snakes. Perhaps the only downside, to me at least, is that a Good Samaritan fisherman came along and saved the day. So a fisherman is around to save these idiots, but none are available to save Tom Hanks and Wilson? Total bullshit.

Feeling empathy is part of what makes us human, but at a certain point you have to turn those feelings off and call a spade a spade. These kids are fucking stupid, and they are damn lucky they didn’t end up getting sold into Thailand’s booming sex slave industry, or even worse, with so much snake venom in their bodies that it was leaking out of their pores. When it comes to spring break, just stick to the normal stuff. There’s no need in being a hero and going on some dumb snorkeling trip when everybody and their mother knows the real meaning of spring break is to remain as unsober as possible while also trying to have as much sex as possible. And I can’t stress this enough, but Thailand? Jesus Christ guys, just go to Cancun like everybody else, and just be sure you don’t sign up for the Sinaloa Drug Cartel’s $25 ziplining adventure while you’re there.