Irish fighting legend Conor McGregor hasn’t been in the spotlight as much as usual lately, mostly due to his suspension from UFC and other lawsuits. Apparently he’s been keeping busy by acting in whiskey commercials and getting fucked up in Miami Beach, which sounds right up my alley. But all good things must come to an end, and Conor has found himself in trouble with the law once again after he allegedly smashed the phone of a fan who was trying to take a picture of him while leaving a club. He was arrested and charged with 2 felonies for this, because apparently they’re treating this as a strong armed robbery and assault, meaning he faces 20 years in prison. Now I’m not a judge or a lawyer, but that sounds a little steep for breaking an iPhone. Anyway, here’s that face you make when you’re drunk as fuck, break a phone, and now are gonna get sent to the electric chair.

Pretty obvious hyperbole there because not a chance he even gets in trouble for this, but that’s just what he’s facing. Obviously he’s just gonna pay off the guy he did this too and be on his merry way, as it should be. But that realization is why I’m writing this blog. Why can’t stuff like this happen to me? I’m sick of sitting at a desk and actually working for my money, knowing I could just get rich via a quick altercation with a celebrity. Just once I would love to end up in a situation where a rich person is indebted to me in some way and I can just hold it over there head until they throw bags of money at me. Hopefully today when I leave work, I’ll be crossing the street and get absolutely nailed by a car. I’ll be pissed at first obviously, but then dollar signs would appear in my eyes like a cartoon character upon seeing that I didn’t just get hit by the usual uninsured idiots that drive en mass through Massachusetts streets. This time, Bill Gates is behind the wheel, and he hit me because he was (ironically) busy staring at his iphone. Hello fucking payday. And if Bill tries to peel out from the scene of the crime, I’ll chase him down and latch on to his car like that awesome scene in Terminator 2

So maybe meeting, and getting run over by, Bill Gates is a bit far fetched, but stranger things have happened. My point is that it would be fucking sweet to have some type of incriminating or embarrassing info about a celebrity, that you can then use to force them to basically write a blank check to keep you quiet. Some would call that blackmail, but I call it The American Dream. Working your entire life is for the birds, which is exactly why I can’t help but be filled to the brim with jealousy when I read stories like this McGregor situation. This “victim” just traded his iPhone for a once in a lifetime story and, what I’m sure will be, millions of dollars. In the business world, we call that buying low and selling high. As far as solid get rich quick schemes go, having a rich person hand you hush money is as swift as it gets. So God, if you’re reading this, please let me get severely injured by somebody with a large amount of money as soon as possible. I can’t do this 9-5 shit any longer, and it’s literally been 2 months. Thanks in advance