As An American, I Feel Like I Let Every US President Down By Not Calling Out Of Work Today

I just got home from “Another day at the office” as they say, and let me to tell ya- I have some regrets. I don’t know if I’m just an inattentive idiot (I am), but I guess I missed the weather reports because it snowed out of fucking nowhere this morning. Nothing big, but it was just enough to be annoying during the morning commute. This in itself should have been enough for me to say, “Fuck it, I’ll try again tomorrow” and go back to sleep, but when you factor in the fact that today is also a holiday, President’s Day, the choice should have been even easier. But being the hardworking and reliable employee that I am pretending to be, I trekked through the Hoth-like conditions and made it to my desk in one piece. I figured I was early because the office was about 10% full, but in reality I was fashionably late and just turned out that everybody else made the smart decision to “call in sick” and stayed home to drink hot chocolate and watch cartoons while I slaved away. That’s why as an American, I feel like I let every US president down by actually going to work today instead of just calling out and sitting around in my pajamas like everybody else.

Holidays are meant to be spent doing anything besides work, and that’s precisely what makes a holiday a holiday. Most people’s lives lined up accordingly with this notion, as I literally received countless Snapchats of my friends doing a keg stands and having a snowball fight at 10 o’clock this morning while I was typing at my desk. As somebody that hates missing out, I’m gonna go ahead and admit that seeing those Snapchats diminished any hope I had left, and I will likely never recover. I think by far the worst part of today was the fact that the work flow was about as slow as if my grandma ate an edible and tried to run a marathon. There was no work to be done because, well, everybody else was fucking closed. Literally 95% of the clients I talk to regularly weren’t open today, and the other 5% probably called in sick and went to my buddy’s party to do keg stands and throw snow at eachother’s faces. Time wouldn’t have gone by so slow if I could have watched random YouTube videos and whatnot, but as I mentioned before, my internet access is heavily blocked and monitored. Now I’m not saying the fact that I had to work today should be treated as cruel and unusual punishment, but I’m not not saying it either. By the time I finally clocked out today, it felt like I had just been liberated after an extended stay at the Hanoi Hilton. Viet Cong torture doesn’t even compare to the experience of a slow day at the office while knowing everybody else you know is having fun, and you can quote me on that. This is literally what I looked like when somebody asked me what happened at work today.

George Washington didn’t get shot out of his mom’s vagina on this day 300 years ago for me to type words and make phone calls for 10 hours straight, and I should have honored him and all of the other presidents by simply not showing up to work today. There is nothing more American than having an employment obligation, picking up a phone, and then lying to your boss about food poisoning or car trouble in order to get shitfaced on a random Monday in February. THAT is exactly what Washington would have wanted me to do on his birthday, and I feel ashamed to say that I let him down. If I were a soldier in his continental army, I would be considered a deserter and hung for treason for going to work today. On the extremely unlikely chance that any living president or the spirit of any dead president is reading this blog, please accept my apology. I thought I was being responsible, but really the responsible thing to do would have been to roll back over in bed and let my answering machine take any call from work. I won’t let it happen again, and if I’m scheduled to work on President’s Day next year, you better believe I’ll be calling my boss and letting him know that unfortunately I’ll be unable to make it due to a surprise funeral. “It’s one thing to lose somebody you love, but it’s even worse to now have to miss a day of work because of it”, I’ll sadly explain to him from the comfort of my couch with a day full of naps and movies in mind. Rest in peace fictitious family member/neighbor/anybody. Gone way too soon, and I’ll never forget you!

2 comments

  1. You made the right choice to go in! If you’re going to pull a sickie, doing it on a blindingly obvious day (e.g. the day it snows and the commute takes you longer, the day after your birthday, that first Monday back at work after New Year, etc.) any pleasure you get from the day will be cancelled by the fact that THEY KNOW. You need to do it on a random Wednesday in October or something. 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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